Opinions needed please


#1

This is regarding my recently lost relationship.

My girlfriend broke up with me 3 days ago. It wasn’t mutual, and I didn’t take it well, but we’re already back to being friends (not friends with benefits- just friends). She said I’m a good friend for her, but “nothing more”. To be honest, I still love her dearly, and I’m trying to get her back. However, hearing that she thinks I’m a good friend and nothing else set me back a little, if only mentally.

I have been praying to the Lord for months trying to determine His will for us and I haven’t heard anything negative. I feel that my ex and I have a strong connection together and are right for each other. Will our relationship lead to marriage? I don’t know. But it’s worth it to find out, I think.

With her attitude, however, do you think I can get her back? With enough work and time, of course. Or is it doomed? I’m just looking for a variety of opinions here.

EDIT: I wanted to add that with her gone as a girlfriend, I still feel there is a hole in me, a gap that needs filling. Perhaps another girl can fill it. But I feel like she is supposed to. Like I said, I love her dearly and I feel we have a real connection.
Just thought I should add that.

Thank you,
Coolduude


#2

Dude, since you're so cool I'm gonna tell ya. Not a phat chance, mon! Ain't gonna work like that no way! :p And in fact, if she does want to get back together with you, you will need to question her and find out if it's for real, that is, she isn't "settling" against her better reason, or making a smart but not very emotional decision (i.e. you're a great guy even though she doesn't feel the chemistry) or a very emotional but not very smart decision (i.e. getting back with you for old times's sake but without due consideration of the problems that have already led a break-up in the past). Been there done that, sorta.


#3

Thank you for the thoughts :slight_smile: Everyone’s situation is different though…


#4

[quote="coolduude, post:1, topic:244924"]
This is regarding my recently lost relationship.

My girlfriend broke up with me 3 days ago. It wasn't mutual, and I didn't take it well, but we're already back to being friends (not friends with benefits- just friends). She said I'm a good friend for her, but "nothing more". To be honest, I still love her dearly, and I'm trying to get her back. However, hearing that she thinks I'm a good friend and nothing else set me back a little, if only mentally.

I have been praying to the Lord for months trying to determine His will for us and I haven't heard anything negative. I feel that my ex and I have a strong connection together and are right for each other. Will our relationship lead to marriage? I don't know. But it's worth it to find out, I think.

With her attitude, however, do you think I can get her back? With enough work and time, of course. Or is it doomed? I'm just looking for a variety of opinions here.

EDIT: I wanted to add that with her gone as a girlfriend, I still feel there is a hole in me, a gap that needs filling. Perhaps another girl can fill it. But I feel like she is supposed to. Like I said, I love her dearly and I feel we have a real connection.
Just thought I should add that.

Thank you,
Coolduude

[/quote]

all i can say is let God's will be done i cant give no good advice cause i dont know either one of you but from what you've said it sounds like its done sorry :(


#5

[quote="coolduude, post:1, topic:244924"]
EDIT: I wanted to add that with her gone as a girlfriend, I still feel there is a hole in me, a gap that needs filling. Perhaps another girl can fill it. But I feel like she is supposed to. Like I said, I love her dearly and I feel we have a real connection.
Just thought I should add that.

Thank you,
Coolduude

[/quote]

After a mere 72 hours you can contemplate another woman taking your ex's place in our heart?

Let it go. Move on. This life's too short. Play your cards right and you'll have a new gf by the end of summer.


#6

I know couples who broke up and later got back together. They're the couples who actually broke up, not the ones who did the "just friends" nonsense. That is usually something the "breaker" does to the "break-ee". It doesn't work.

Think about that. You miss her now. You can feel the gap, the hole. She has not had a chance to miss you, because she has not lost the thing about you that she values the most. You are playing right into her delusion that you want this "just friends" stuff.

You are friends with benefits, which is to say she has the benefit of your friendship without the guilt of having rejected you as a boyfriend....because there you are, maybe saying you aren't cracked up about the arrangement, but in practice accepting it all the same. How can she possibly think you're really OK with this? Because actions speak louder than words.

If you want to be that male friend that gets to watch and hear about it when she finds her next boyfriend--guys who have female friends they would want as sisters but would never want as a girlfriend do exist--by all means stay around to watch. If that is not something that you're interested in, then do yourself a favor and bow out of her social circle right now. What, do you want to wait until you're driven out by witnessing an actual attempt to find your replacement? If so, I have to wonder what you did to feel you deserve self-flagellation.

You only have to tell her the truth: She is incredibly special to you, but you aren't remotely ready to join the "brother" ranks of close male friends who don't have a snowball's chance of ever dating her again. When you are ready to be that, then by all means, give her a call and step right back in to where you are now.

Do not find yourself a new girl friend. Don't. Don't. Just Don't. Do go find yourself another social circle to move in, for awhile. Finding something like normal outside of this woman's orbit is actually your best chance, in every sense.


#7

[quote="coolduude, post:1, topic:244924"]
This is regarding my recently lost relationship.

My girlfriend broke up with me 3 days ago. It wasn't mutual, and I didn't take it well, but we're already back to being friends (not friends with benefits- just friends). She said I'm a good friend for her, but "nothing more". To be honest, I still love her dearly, and I'm trying to get her back. However, hearing that she thinks I'm a good friend and nothing else set me back a little, if only mentally.

I have been praying to the Lord for months trying to determine His will for us and I haven't heard anything negative. I feel that my ex and I have a strong connection together and are right for each other. Will our relationship lead to marriage? I don't know. But it's worth it to find out, I think.

With her attitude, however, do you think I can get her back? With enough work and time, of course. Or is it doomed? I'm just looking for a variety of opinions here.

EDIT: I wanted to add that with her gone as a girlfriend, I still feel there is a hole in me, a gap that needs filling. Perhaps another girl can fill it. But I feel like she is supposed to. Like I said, I love her dearly and I feel we have a real connection.
Just thought I should add that.

Thank you,
Coolduude

[/quote]

There are plenty of fish in the sea, her loss. Move on.

God Bless


#8

I got out of the friend zone once actually but it didn’t work out in the end.


#9

And down the road she went… Look ahead not back. Your prayers have already been answered. God Bless!


#10

This is not right. Why would you give her the satisfaction of 'being friends' to ease her guilt/feel less lonely while she gives you no hope to give you satisfaction to get back together? I advise you to end this 'friendship' right now before you learn that she has another guy and she hurts you some more.
Also she might need some time and distance to mature and realize that she really wants you back IF it's the case.
In any case, it doesn't do any good to entertain this friendship. Good luck my friend.


#11

I agree with the prevailing advice so far. Move on.

It is rare that exs can remain good friends, but especially if one (in this case you) still has strong feelings. You stand to get hurt by remaining in this friendship. In the meantime, it will prevent you from moving on and finding a girl that perhaps you are meant to be with.

Having a relastionship end is painful. I was engaged to someone and she broke my heart. Several years later I met the girl who I would marry, and now have a great marriage and three beautiful children. That first engagement needed to end before I could progress, and I'm so happy that things worked out the way they did. It is painful for you now, but that will pass and you will be able to move forward towards a better future.


#12

I have been praying to the Lord for months trying to determine His will for us and I haven't heard anything negative

yes you did hear negative. she broke up with you. that might be the most positive negative that ever happened to you.


#13

[quote="coolduude, post:1, topic:244924"]

I have been praying to the Lord for months trying to determine His will for us and I haven't heard anything negative. I feel that my ex and I have a strong connection together and are right for each other. Will our relationship lead to marriage? I don't know. But it's worth it to find out, I think.
Umm... you DID hear something negative. It's her telling you it's over. Why prayer to learn your answer, and then when you get a pretty solid answer... you decide that's not the answer you were to get? Don't place so much trust in "signs" over truths that people actually speak to you. Either she doesn't want to go further in the relationship, or she's playing with your head. Which person do you want to mother your children? The one that doesn't want to be with you? Or the head case? The one you have to convince you're the right guy?

With her attitude, however, do you think I can get her back? With enough work and time, of course. Or is it doomed? I'm just looking for a variety of opinions here. Why would you want to? And so you want a relationship that you have to work hard just to get going? Keep in mind that relationships are hard to KEEP going... do you really want to start out here?

EDIT: I wanted to add that with her gone as a girlfriend, I still feel there is a hole in me, a gap that needs filling. Perhaps another girl can fill it. But I feel like she is supposed to. Like I said, I love her dearly and I feel we have a real connection.
Just thought I should add that.
I think the hole is that you know you are to be married one day. You want this girl to fill it because right now, you can't imagine that there is someone better. And I know I was quite blunt above. I'm sure you're hurting right now. Take your time to heal. Which to me personally would be NOT to communicate with your ex right now. But trust me... someone better won't think you're just friend material... You may start out as friends... but they don't REDUCE you to "just friends"...

Thank you,
Coolduude

[/quote]


#14

Most of the time, when one party says “it is over”, then it really is over. The OP should not have his hopes up, no matter what he decides to do. He still has a chance, but far less of a chance than other men who would seem to have similar qualifications.

I only mean that couples rarely go from “it is over” to “we’re just friends” and then back to “we’re a couple again.” With rare exceptions “we’re just friends” means that and only that, forever and always, Amen. Since it is nearly certain that this woman will one day marry, that means that all her “just friends” will get to watch that. The condition should only be accepted if it is mutually agreeable to both sides, if both sides would be happy for the other to find a truly good match instead of the relationship they tried and discarded. A party who wants anything else has better odds (although still not good odds) if the party who wants something more leaves the scene until something more is offered as a possibility. If you aren’t going anywhere, you’re going to be treated like the ace in the hole that you have let it be known that you are. Good luck with that.

Oh, and if the possibility is offered, it is only that. You’re back at Square One, and maybe even a few squares behind that. You are not back to your “high water mark.” Forget that at your peril, too!

OP, I think you can see why so many of us tell you to forget her and move on. Give yourself a period of mourning, but then proceed as if she’s not coming back. Should she come after you some day, you’ll remember her quickly enough. Better that none of those memories include the life you’ve wasted while waiting around for her. Do that (I mean, move on and expect nothing) and in the event she comes calling you may have something to offer that wasn’t there the last time she checked. That something will be all you, not a false you that you think she wants, and it won’t be too needy to be attractive, either.


#15

Sorry, EJ, I wasn’t being clear. It’s so good I have you around to correct me whenever I need it!

What I meant to imply was that once in a million years you can fight your way out of the friend zone but that doesn’t mean you’re gonna hold the territory. In my example, the just friends notion won again after a brief recess.

In fact, I’d say usucaption has historically been an efficient way of aquisition of females and any man with enough persistence will at least heavily test the resolve of a woman who doesn’t shove him away but keeps him around in any capacity. If she allows herself to be exposed to you, she will undergo the effects of exposure and in the end you may in all likelihood attain to the title, especially if there is no competition (I suppose women use this method passively to a great effect too) or you manage to hold possession while statute of limitation runs on everybody else’s claim. But it doesn’t really strike me as the fulfilment of a man’s dreams. Personally, I prefer to obtain title by an honest right of conquest. Occasionally, you may have to sit in the trenches through a bit of that just friends nonsense but if there’s too much of it you’re only gonna get a woman who settled for you even if you “win”. The tao of the victor is to know which battles are worth fighting. :stuck_out_tongue:


#16

As another post said this may be the answers that God has given you who knows maybe God saw something that you did not see and and caused her to break up with you because he could see something in the future that would not have been good for you. please move on I know you feel connected by the way was she Catholic if not was she Anti Catholic if she was not Catholic and was anti Catholic or even if she was Catholic but was not faithful to the magisterium of the Church ,well then Gods Hand may have been in her breaking up with you Don’'t worry God will give you the strength to move on I don’t know if you were planning marriage but God has someone out there for you who will help you grow in the Faith.Hang in there


#17

Just a hint: This is not the most romantic treatise on the enterprise of romance that I’ve ever read. :wink: :smiley:

If a woman tells you she just wants to be friends, she is saying that she does not think you are a total jerk, but she still has no interest in a merger. She is hoping that by allowing you to remain a friend, you won’t think she is a jerk for rejecting you while at the same time refusing to cite a disqualifying fault.

The “just friends” rejection (aka the “it’s not you, it’s me” rejection) is used for one of three reasons:

  1. There is an ineffable something missing. Can’t put my finger on it, how can I reject a guy for no reason? Or else there is something missing, but nothing he can help, poor thing.

  2. Great guy, nothing missing, but it freaks me out to think of being married. (To him? To anyone? Who knows.)

  3. I have my eye on a better guy, but it isn’t kosher to go after him until I’ve decently ditched Mr. Nice-But-Not-Quite-Right.

In either case: He’s a nice enough guy, but I can’t live with myself if I string him along. Besides, my clock is ticking, and I can’t find someone else while I’m dating him. I’ll split the difference and punt back to being friends. Maybe somebody else can marry him, and I’ll be around to be happy for him. (He’d make a great brother-in-law or husband-of-one-of-my-friends…that would be cool.)

If there is something about the OP that she is not taking into consideration, she probably won’t miss it until he’s missing, too. That and a desire to avoid being a masochist are the reasons to bow out now.

You probably aren’t getting her back, OP, but if you want her back, make it clear that she’s burned a bridge. She cannot noodle around forever and expect that you won’t be found by someone else…unless you hang around and wait. In that case, she can noodle around all she likes. If you take on a false hope, you’ll also be giving her a false sense of security…“I can always go back to dating OP”…


#18

[quote="EasterJoy, post:17, topic:244924"]
Just a hint: This is not the most romantic treatise on the enterprise of romance that I've ever read. ;) :D

[/quote]

Romance is not a very romantic enterprise in the first place!

If a woman tells you she just wants to be friends, she is saying that she does not think you are a total jerk, but she still has no interest in a merger. She is hoping that by allowing you to remain a friend, you won't think she is a jerk for rejecting you while at the same time refusing to cite a disqualifying fault.

Capisce. Now someone's finally talking in plain language! :thankyou:


#19

[quote="chevalier, post:18, topic:244924"]
Romance is not a very romantic enterprise in the first place!

[/quote]

Making sausage isn't very appetizing, this is true. The starting materials may not look particularly promising, either.

Luckily, the hoped-for results are delicious enough to drive the process, or think of what would be wasted! :thumbsup:


#20

Thank you for all the advice :slight_smile: There’s a lot here, so I can’t respond to everyone individually.

I appreciate what everyone has said thus far. However, as none of you know me (or her), and have given advice based solely on what I said in my OP, I will continue to pursue a relationship with her. It ended very prematurely and the break up could have been avoided. I also have some personal problems that are so large that I cannot fix them on my own (in fact, I wouldn’t have let her marry me if I still had these problems, had it come to that). My problems are fixable, though, so I’m going to get them fixed before I even attempt to date her again.

Like I said in my OP, I don’t know if I’ll marry this girl. But I do know it’s worth a second shot to find out.

Thanks again for all the advice :slight_smile:


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