Opinions needed


#1

I have an odd situation that I am having trouble with, or more correctly lots of my friends are having problems with. Sorry its so long, but I wanted to give you the whole picture.

Here is the story, last spring due to lack of good jobs in the area, my dh took a job out of state. Of course we are not in a position to move right now to join him, there is no way we could sell our house without a major loss right now. So he comes home to visit, calls and texts me regurally, talks to the childre and visits as much as finances will let him.
When he first moved down there he didn’t know too many people. He was rooming with his boss’s son, and while he liked the guy, dh isn’t much on bars and drinking, so he found himself bored alot. He went to a drum circle (more dh’s style) and met a few people. One being a women about 15yrs his senoir. He started hanging out alot with her, and staying at her house when things got too crazy at the other place. The whole time he was completely upfront about it, telling me all about her. After his holiday visit he tells me he is going to start staying there instead of with the boss’s son. It will save us $400 a month. I was upset and jealous at first, and I am not a jealous person by nature. We have been married 15yrs, and he has never been anything but an attentive, loving, faithful husband. But as we talked about it, I came to accept (sort of) that this was just a friendship, and I felt kinda selfish telling him to give up the one friend he has down there that he truly enjoys spending time with. Then on his last trip home, she sent gifts for our kids, and I found a rather glamourous photo of her he had been carrying around. I am somewhat jealous of the time he spends with her, they rent movies together, eat dinner together, go shopping together. But I know he would much rather be home with us, it just isn’t in the cards for awhile.

But most of my friends and even my in-laws are very upset (and my in-laws aren’t overly fond of me). I keep hearing that it is wrong, and he should move out. I even had one girlfriend tell me I must be stupid :eek: for trusting him.
Mostly I am allright with it, then when my friends consistantly point out things that they see, it makes me worry. It is getting to where I just avoid anyone who knows about the situation. Most of them have been through bad relationships or divorces and I am not sure that they understand the level of commitment we have to our relationship.

So I would like the opinion of ladies AND guys in happy relationships, do you think I am stupid for trusting a man who has never in 15yrs done anything to hurt me or make me distrustful of him. Or do you think it could just be as he says a strictly platonic friendship??


#2

**He may be completely faithful to you right now. He may be being completely honest with you. BUT, he is putting himself in a very risky situation. While he isn’t the type to go out and seek a one night stand from what you’ve described, he could get in over his head and find himself facing temptations that he can’t resist.

I would not put up with it from my husband. To me it is very inappropriate for a spouse to deliberately put themselves in a position where they find themselves in near occasions of sin.

To me it sounds like more than just friendship. That is how real affairs get started. Emotions come first. Spending time together, enjoying each other’s company…LOTS of alone time with no fear of being “caught”.

I say that while what he is doing may** be innocent enough for now, he is playing with fire and it needs to stop. He needs to find a place to live that is neither with a single woman nor a man that could bring temptations home…

Malia


#3

Whether or not it is a platonic relationship, it is an *inappropriate *relationship.

He has formed an emotional intimacy with this woman that should be reserved only for his wife.

He has also put himself in a near occasion of sin AND a living arrangement that gives scandal.

He is showing extremely poor judgment.

All-in-all, I would not allow this arrangement to continue. And, yeah IMHO, something is rotten in Denmark.


#4

He has formed an emotional intimacy with this woman that should be reserved only for his wife

I admit, I am more jealous over the emotional attachment than anything. And the gifts sent for the kids kinda wierded me out. like she was trying to get them to like her.

However, I don’t know what to do about it. We are already almost three months behind on our daughters’ tuition, we didn’t expect him to loose his job when we enrolled them. He has said he would move if it was what I wanted, but then he always comes back to the money we are saving with him living there, and makes me feel selfish for even considering it.

I think I need prayer power to help me through this.:crossrc:


#5

He has formed an inappropriate attachment, and has acted dishonorably IMO.

Well, I’m not sure why he isn’t stepping up, being a man, and doing something about it. But, since he isn’t, telling him to move out and cease contact with this woman is what you should do about it.

Well, public school is free and you may have to withdraw them and send them elsewhere.

What a baby he is.

Tell him to move out, and don’t YOU feel one bit guilty about the situation HE caused!


#6

Sell the house at a loss if you must.

Quit the job if he must.

Call his Parish and ask if there is some family in the Parish who will rent him a room.

To destroy a marriage over a job or over equity or private school tuition is not wise.

Better to live in a 2 room apartment than to destroy your marriage.

Prayers for you!


#7

I totally agree with Malia.
Don’t feel selfish for wanting what is best for your marriage, therefore best for your family. There are plenty of couples out there where one is 15 yrs+ the elder of the other. The age difference does not stop the possibilities. I agree with 1ke, he is sharing things with this woman that should only be reserved for his wife (even if it is an innocent friendship at this time). It is not a lack of trust for you to request for him to move, it is you seeking what is in his best interest and the best interest of your marriage. Getting him out of that situation is in his best interest. He is a married man and she is an available woman. Flesh is weak, we need to be on guard always. It could happen to the most faithful, pious Catholic out there.

Edited to add: I agree with what kage_ar said too… Your marriage is too precious to put it on the line for anything earthly, be it your child’s education, your house, his job, etc…


#8

I have to agree with others–there is NO WAY my husband is going to live with another woman (unless she is related to us or a great friend of the family)…unless we are divorced.:stuck_out_tongue: I understand the money situation–but he needs to go back to his boss’ son’s home…he may never ever do a thing that is crossing the boundary with this woman, but I agree with others–it is like hanging out around a hornet’s nest…and hoping you won’t get stung, you know? I think there’s no reason to not trust your husband, but I put myself in the WOMAN’S situation, and frankly, I would feel very strange, unless it’s one of my husband’s brothers who I’ve known for years and years…having a married man I don’t know, live with me…let alone rent movies with him, go shopping with him…etc… I’m not a jealous type either–but putting myself in her place, I would feel out of place with your husband, personally.

I always try to place myself in another’s shoes–and it doesn’t work in my head, when I put myself in her shoes. She may be a lovely person–she probably is–but really, it’s best for all parties involved for him to go back to his initial set up. Money comes and goes, but this situation as it rolls on…will probably start placing a wedge, even if it’s a silent one, between you and your husband…why risk that? So…just my two cents…but I would kindly ask him to go back to the other living arrangement. :slight_smile:


#9

You guys are married, and you need to live like a married couple! The decisions that you are making are very unwise. I agree with the previous post which said to take a financial loss, lose the house, do whatever you have to do to keep your marriage together. Your marriage and family are way more important than money or a house! Are there absolutely no jobs where you live? My husband makes 20,000 a year and we are a family of seven. Is he working his dream job? no, but our family is together and there is bread on the table!


#10

I do believe that decent people sometimes form emotional relationships they were genuinely not seeking simply because the fact that they were not seeking a relationship meant they didn’t see them developing till “too late”.

You know when you are hoping to start a relationship, how fined tuned you are to every little nuance, real or imagined? And how many of us have been taken by surprise by a sudden declaration of interest from a person we were not trying to “chat up”, only to look back and think, “oh yeah, I suppose I should have noticed this and that and the other …” but you didn’t see it because you weren’t looking for it? I know it sounds naive but I suspect I’ve seen it happening a few times.

Seems your husband has never done anything before to make you distrust him so I’m wondering if, because he has no evil intent, he is naively not seeing that what starts as a genuine friendship has potential to go badly wrong and not seeing how attached to the idea of staying with her he has become.

I really, really, REALLY am the least jealous person of all the people of either gender I know and I wouldn’t have a problem in principle with DH staying with a woman but I think I would know when an emotional relationship was developing. It does sound like it’s time he moved on.


#11

He is probably telling you the truth, but here is another perspective: this is not fair to the woman he is sharing a house with.

First of all, he is probably scaring off any potential boyfriends she might get - she needs a female room mate of her own age; not a married man.

Second, he is putting her into a very awkward position - listen to what people are assuming about your husband, and now imagine what people must be thinking about her. Since whatever bad things they say about a man, it is usually ten times worse for the woman.

So, for her sake, if not his own, he really should get out of there, and get with another married man, or into a boarding house, or something like that, until such time as your family can be reunited.


#12

I may be wrong, but I can’t imagine your husband being okay with this scenario if all the tables were turned.

Before we were married, my husband (he lived 80 miles away) used to come down and visit on weekends and, at first, would stay with a old high school friend and his family. Then he got an apartment and lived in the same town for 6 month while undergoing chemo and he got friendly with a couple that lived in the next door apartment, a very nice couple, let’s call them “Joe” and “Judy” (“Joe” actually ended up being one of my husband’s attendants at the wedding!) After his chemo ended and he went back home, he started coming down on the weekends again. “Joe” and “Judy” lived closer to my parents’ home than his high school friend did, so he started staying with them instead. No problem. Then one weekend, he seemed perturbed. “Joe” was out of town for the weekend and my husband’s old friend and his family were also out of town. “Judy” insisted that it was no problem if my husband stayed with her while “Joe” was gone.

I had no doubt that my husband was trustworthy. But he said, “I don’t like this idea, I’m not comfortable with it, but I want to know what you think? And be completely honest.” And I was and I told him what I thought: I trusted him completely, I knew money was tight, but I didn’t think it was a good idea. It would give scandal and it was placing himself (and “Judy” in a near occasion of sin).

He agreed and even though it meant spending a couple weekends just hanging at my parents’ house (no movies, no dinner out for the next few visits), he got a motel room. “Judy” seemed put out, and even asked my husband if I was jealous or didn’t trust him (or her.) He stated VERY clearly that the decision had been his and that he felt it would be disrespectful of me to stay alone with her–no matter how “brotherly” or “sisterly” their relationship was.

Marriage means making sacrifices, but you should never sacrifice each other’s feelings for anything (even your kids).


#13

He’s carrying around a glamorous photo of her?? I imagine in his wallet???

Up to that statement I was willing to maybe give him the benefit of the doubt. No more.

Wake up and smell the coffee !!!


#14

No amount of money is worth risking your marriage this way.

Six months ago, a Catholic family in our parish was destroyed by adultery. The husband left his wife of almost 20 years and their SEVEN children for a married neighbor. They spent a lot of time together and it was always touted as “innocent,” just as your situation is being described now. I just spend four hours in court on Thursday as a witness and it is horrifying to see such pain.

My own husband is an incredible man and we have been happily married for 10 years in a few months. We have four children. He is such a strong Catholic that we teach NFP together and give talks at conferences and parishes about marriage and sexuality. He is a gorgeous, intelligent man who works in a high-profile job with lots of single women. Just today he asked me to pray for him, that “when” (not “if”) the time comes for him to be tempted by sexual sin, he will have the grace to resist. We are not foolish enough to believe we are immune from Satan’s temptations. Satan knows that in a world that claims that marriage is a self-made, temporary contract, the destruction of a seemingly strong Catholic/Christian marriage is proof to secularists that the Church’s teaching about the sacredness of marriage doesn’t hold water.

I think you are both being very unwise. We are not only called to avoid sin, but to avoid situations that may lead to sin. Being in such an intimate friendship with a member of the opposite sex is inappropriate and playing with fire. This is not a question of whether your husband has always been faithful; it’s a question of our fallen human nature making us weak and imperfect people susceptible to bonding with people who are not our spouse. The reality is that we bond with people with whom we spend lots of time. That’s why we’re supposed to be living together as spouses, so we can continue to grow that bond. :slight_smile: I would NEVER ever find this situation acceptable, and as I said, I have a fantastic husband that I would trust to close his eyes in a roomful of naked Victoria Secret models, LOL!

I certainly understand that there are financial considerations; we went into serious debt when I quit my job to be a SAHM ($10K). But your husband could just as easily save money by getting a male roommate and avoid this occasion of sin and occasion of scandal.


#15

This is completely inappropriate for a married man. Not to mention the scandal it causes others. And a terrible example for your children.

I agree with him seeking out the local priest in his area for a more suitable arrangement. Do not let this continue. You are not being selfish, clearly he is. To expect you to accept such an arrangement is outrageous.


#16

So he has been living apart from his family for almost a year? No employment has come up in your area?

Why is he even making a life for himself there? I would think if you were all in a situation that was financially desperate (and I think living apart would mean a desparate situation) then okay maybe you need to live apart for awhile. Can he work 4 long days instead of 5? Why isn’t he in his car Friday after work and driving back to work Monday morning? How far is it? Can he get a second job in the evenings if he’s “bored”?

I just don’t think I would live apart from my husband because I’ve seen it wreck so many families.


#17

Absolutely.

My husband *almost *made a devastating mistake by thinking, “Oh, I’m not that kind of man, I’d NEVER ever consider cheating on my wife!” would be enough to keep him safe from temptation. He admits that he SHOULD have been praying to avoid temptation and, if he couldn’t avoid it, to resist it. Thank God nothing “happened”, but it was a painful lesson to learn that mere humans DO NOT have the strength to overcome temptation without God’s help and placing oneself into a situation like that because, “I’m not that kind of person, I’d never do that” is the devil using our pride and weakness to make us fall.


#18

This situation kind of reminds me of my boss. He moved out of state to take his job here, but his wife stayed back home so that their kids could finish high school. He rents a room from a divorced woman who is very needy and would love nothing more than for him to spend lots of time with her. He knows how dangerous that is so he basically just uses her place as a place to sleep. He works long hours so he is not at her place. On weekends that he can’t fly home to be with his family, he drives up the coast 6 hours to spend time with his parents or brothers and sisters rather than spend any additional time around this woman. He knows better than to put himself in a position of temptation.

Let me tell you though. He is miserable, and I can not believe that his wife has let this situation go on like this for 5 years now. They should have done whatever was necessary to move the whole family to be together. Now he has missed out on so many years of his children’s lives, and they have missed out on having their dad be truly present for them. Seriously, being a family comes first, and all other things like house payments and school tutition or kids staying in the same school are much further down the list. My advice, do whatever it takes to get your family all back to living together.


#19

All this for… money? What profiteth a man if he gains the whole world, yet suffers the loss of his immoral soul?

You may trust him, but do you trust her? She’s on the prowl, sweetie. I don’t go giving my photo to married men. I don’t give married men presents for their kids. She wants what you have. Pretty soon she’ll have it. And your husband will be sitting on your sofa crying that “this isn’t what he intended. And he didn’t know how it got this far. And he never meant to hurt you. And he loves the kids, but he just doesn’t know what to do.” Blah blah blah.

That’s a pretty crummy thing to do to a kid. Base the whole family future on her private school tuition. So someday when the marriage collapses, she can feel guilty because if it wasn’t for her tuition her parents would still be together. If she watches her parents’ marriage collapse due to this skewed value system and adultery, that will undo everything you tried to do putting her in private school. The home is the first church.

He’d do better to be working two jobs living with you than one job out there. And if he’s starting to insult YOU because of your doubts and call you selfish, HE has a real problem.

Don’t avoid the people who are trying to warn you. The next thing they’ll be saying is I told you so.

Saving $400 a month? You’ll have to spend that for two hours of a divorce attorney’s time. Talk about penny wise and pound foolish!


#20

Take the advice of the others. Stop it and stop it now. He moves back to your area, and works two jobs if he has to, spending his free time with you and your kids. Public school is free, and while I endorse Catholic schools, if you can’t afford it and the Catholic school has no financial aid or won’t let you catch up, it is time to withdraw your daughter (She can always go back when you are flush).

You don’t want to be sitting in cousneling, angrily looking at him because he is blaming you for his lack of control. You don’t want to have to hire an attorney, they are not cheap.


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