Opposite sex friends poll


#1

Just curious how this splits up male versus female by opinion. I know what I think the outcome will be…


#2

I’m talking about for married individuals, by the way.


#3

The only thing I would add is my opinion speaks for me and my marriage - someone else’s marriage might be in a very different place…


#4

good point, kage. This is very important.


#5

I voted for the limited, but my definition of limited can be very different from that of others that voted in the same category. I’m more on the “it can be playing with fire” side rather than the “its perfectly ok except for rare occasions” side, if that makes sense. :slight_smile:


#6

Again, it depends upon the marriage and upon the respect given to the Sacrament of Marriage, but I voted the ‘limited’ choice.


#7

I believe that when a person won’t permit their spouse to have opposite sex friends then either they have security issues or their spouse has faithfulness issues.

Either way it isn’t going to be helped by not going for coffee with their friends.

The original poster who started the thread that resulted in this poll haad a spouse who was unfaithful. I submit that if a person is going to be unfaithful they are going to be unfaithful. They don’t need opposite sex freidns to do it.


#8

I voted limited. It is too hard to put every degree of propriety in the poll. I don’t think it is necessarily playing with fire, but I also don’t think there is any need to actively pursue new opposite sex friends, especially without involving your spouse in the friendship. I also don’t see a need to go out one-on-one with an opposite sex friend except with extremely limited people and in extremely limited circumstances.

I will not give up my close male friends when I marry. Our relationship will change; indeed, it already has, at my fiance’s request. I had one very good male friend who called me late at night, probably out of convenience more than anything, and that’s just what we were used to. I now only talk to him online and during normal “talking hours.” We’re not as close anymore, and that’s OK. It is for the best, and I don’t blame FI for ruining the friendship or anything.

I also acknowledge that FI has jealousy issues. He knows it’s unfounded, but I still think I have some degree of responsibility to put him at ease. I really don’t hang out with male friends without him or a number of other friends around. I can’t think of any reason I would, unless someone was in town visiting and I didn’t have anyone else to go with.


#9

[quote=vluvski]I voted limited. It is too hard to put every degree of propriety in the poll. I don’t think it is necessarily playing with fire, but I also don’t think there is any need to actively pursue new opposite sex friends, especially without involving your spouse in the friendship. I also don’t see a need to go out one-on-one with an opposite sex friend except with extremely limited people and in extremely limited circumstances.

I will not give up my close male friends when I marry. Our relationship will change; indeed, it already has, at my fiance’s request. I had one very good male friend who called me late at night, probably out of convenience more than anything, and that’s just what we were used to. I now only talk to him online and during normal “talking hours.” We’re not as close anymore, and that’s OK. It is for the best, and I don’t blame FI for ruining the friendship or anything.

I also acknowledge that FI has jealousy issues. He knows it’s unfounded, but I still think I have some degree of responsibility to put him at ease. I really don’t hang out with male friends without him or a number of other friends around. I can’t think of any reason I would, unless someone was in town visiting and I didn’t have anyone else to go with.
[/quote]

You are very wise, but you are also going to be doing the pre-Cana classes, right? I think you told us this all ready so forgive me if you repeat yourself…jealousy can be normal and it can be kinda touchy, you know? And it is hard sometimes for us women to tell the difference because it can also feel, well, flattering to have the man we love get all cave-man on us…but, you know him and we don’t so I don’t want to sound paranoid…unless, of course, someone is actually out to get me…:stuck_out_tongue:


#10

I am a female, and I think opposite sex friends should be limited but are not entirely inappropriate … Prudence being the operative word…


#11

I have not yet mentioned it, but I will be going to an Engaged Encounter in three weeks, and we are in the process of doing an informal sort of pre-Cana with a trusted priest and friend.

FI’s jealousy is quite under control most of the time. I admit, I have a problem too, so I am particularly sensitive to when he gets unreasonable. The other day he wouldn’t tell me something that bothered him because he said it was stupid and it shouldn’t bother him. I badgered him to tell me; he wouldn’t give in, so I dropped it.

I guess he really does believe he was being unreasonable with whatever it was. Probably had something to do with my colleagues at work, and I can do nothing about who I work with. I dress modestly, and keep the conversation professional. I try to be tactful in the details I share about interactions at work, because as a young woman in a male dominated industry I do get some looks and comments every now and then. No need to get him boiling over something neither of us can control.


#12

[quote=vluvski]I have not yet mentioned it, but I will be going to an Engaged Encounter in three weeks, and we are in the process of doing an informal sort of pre-Cana with a trusted priest and friend.

FI’s jealousy is quite under control most of the time. I admit, I have a problem too, so I am particularly sensitive to when he gets unreasonable. The other day he wouldn’t tell me something that bothered him because he said it was stupid and it shouldn’t bother him. I badgered him to tell me; he wouldn’t give in, so I dropped it.

I guess he really does believe he was being unreasonable with whatever it was. Probably had something to do with my colleagues at work, and I can do nothing about who I work with. I dress modestly, and keep the conversation professional. I try to be tactful in the details I share about interactions at work, because as a young woman in a male dominated industry I do get some looks and comments every now and then. No need to get him boiling over something neither of us can control.
[/quote]

My admiration for your wisdom grows…


#13

LIMITED!

USUALLY IMPOSSIBLE!

Before I was married I had several opposite sex friends. Here is the problem. Every single one of them eventually hit on me, even when I had a boyfriend.

Since I got married, I have been friends with husbands of my friends, but we are friends as a couple, we see each other as couples. I would never form a close relationship with a man, except my husband, as a married woman. If I were single I would not form a close friendship with a married man.

I have found that nine times out of ten, if a man is interested in friendship with me, he has other motives. I am sure there are plenty of people out there with friendships of the opposite sex that *are *appropriate, but it took me years of my teen and young adult life to figure out that *my *hobbies, interests and friendship and support were not what was drawing my “guy friends” to me, it was that they were hoping I would have a vulnerable moment, and they could weasle their way in to my heart. Guys who *weren’t *attracted to me didnt’ try to be friends with me, even the ones who were into art, outdoor sports and creative writing, etc.

A friend and neighbor of mine has a tendancy to form close friendships with neighborhood men and husbands of her friends. A few times their actions became inappropriate. They also enjoy complaining about their wives to her, and she enjoys giving them emotional support. I think it makes her feel wanted and needed. Sometimes I think it is a form of emotional infidelity, even if it never becomes physical it is filling a need that the spouses should be providing. I have also noticed that two of them have divorced their wives since they became friends with her.

The friendships I have had with men since i have been married have always been inclusive of their wives and my husband. Some may have felt that they could discuss something personal with me, but I would always be supportive of their marriages and families. If I were even in a situation where I found a man attractive, I would cut off our interaction, even if that meant cooling my friendship with their wife. Same way if I thought a man were attracted to me. Thankfully, this has never happened in 10 years of marriage.

So, I guess friendships with the opposite sex can possibly be appropriate as long as you dont’ cross that emotional or physical line, but they are extrememly rare. Before marriage I had guy friends that I hung out with for years and one by one they all eventually started to have feelings for me. Even my fiancee’s best friend, whom I had been mutual friends with for 5 years, hit on me when my fiancee went to Basic Training! That taught me that close opposite-sex friendships are off limits for me. Aquaintences are generally ok, but I prefer they be with men who are committed and in love with their wives. I wouldn’t have much respect for them if they weren’t anyway.


#14

i voted female, inapproriate. i would never call a guy or whatever. by the way i mean that now that i am married. i had guy friends before but now that i’m married i think they are not ok


#15

[quote=Peace-bwu]LIMITED!

USUALLY IMPOSSIBLE!

Before I was married I had several opposite sex friends. Here is the problem. Every single one of them eventually hit on me, even when I had a boyfriend.

Since I got married, I have been friends with husbands of my friends, but we are friends as a couple, we see each other as couples. I would never form a close relationship with a man, except my husband, as a married woman. If I were single I would not form a close friendship with a married man.

I have found that nine times out of ten, if a man is interested in friendship with me, he has other motives. I am sure there are plenty of people out there with friendships of the opposite sex that *are *appropriate, but it took me years of my teen and young adult life to figure out that *my *hobbies, interests and friendship and support were not what was drawing my “guy friends” to me, it was that they were hoping I would have a vulnerable moment, and they could weasle their way in to my heart. Guys who *weren’t *attracted to me didnt’ try to be friends with me, even the ones who were into art, outdoor sports and creative writing, etc.

A friend and neighbor of mine has a tendancy to form close friendships with neighborhood men and husbands of her friends. A few times their actions became inappropriate. They also enjoy complaining about their wives to her, and she enjoys giving them emotional support. I think it makes her feel wanted and needed. Sometimes I think it is a form of emotional infidelity, even if it never becomes physical it is filling a need that the spouses should be providing. I have also noticed that two of them have divorced their wives since they became friends with her.

The friendships I have had with men since i have been married have always been inclusive of their wives and my husband. Some may have felt that they could discuss something personal with me, but I would always be supportive of their marriages and families. If I were even in a situation where I found a man attractive, I would cut off our interaction, even if that meant cooling my friendship with their wife. Same way if I thought a man were attracted to me. Thankfully, this has never happened in 10 years of marriage.

So, I guess friendships with the opposite sex can possibly be appropriate as long as you dont’ cross that emotional or physical line, but they are extrememly rare. Before marriage I had guy friends that I hung out with for years and one by one they all eventually started to have feelings for me. Even my fiancee’s best friend, whom I had been mutual friends with for 5 years, hit on me when my fiancee went to Basic Training! That taught me that close opposite-sex friendships are off limits for me. Aquaintences are generally ok, but I prefer they be with men who are committed and in love with their wives. I wouldn’t have much respect for them if they weren’t anyway.
[/quote]

I must say I agree with you.
I know of a couple that had been married for 10 years when his father died suddenly. They both loved the father dearly, and were both really emotionally shaken by the death. The husband felt like he could not get sufficient emotional support from his wife, since she was in the same boat as he, so he turned to his friend, who happened to be female, for that support. In 10 years they had not had any problem of their friendship interfering with the marriage, and this friendship was never a cause for worry for the wife. The husband and the female friend were just good friends, no attracted to each other etc.
Well, what started as a friend helping a friend ended up with them “falling in love”. I just can’t help thinking that if his best friend would have been a man their marriage would not have broken up.

I know of another case of two teachers that were opposite sexes who met at school and became good friends. They would hang out at lunch time as friends. They were friends for a while before they realized they enjoyed each others company better than that of their spouses. They each divorced their spouses and “married” each other. The people around them saw the relationship develop. If they would have stopped their friendship in the beginning, instead of allowing the relationship to develop, their families could have been spared.

Now I am not saying this always happens or what not, but I am just presenting two examples where the people involved say their love developed from the friendship, that it “just happened” without them seeking it. I’m just saying it can happen, when least expected (according to them).


#16

I didn’t vote because in some of the poll questions the poster added the word “close” (as in friend of the opposite sex) - and some she didn’t. Like the one I would have voted for. (Female and innapropriate to have a close friend of the opposite sex)

As it reads it says just “friend” of the opposite sex. I would have voted that this is OK - but I would not have voted that a “close” friend is OK. Big difference using the word “close.” :yup:


#17

[quote=LovedOne]I didn’t vote because in some of the poll questions the poster added the word “close” (as in friend of the opposite sex) - and some she didn’t. Like the one I would have voted for. (Female and innapropriate to have a close friend of the opposite sex)

As it reads it says just “friend” of the opposite sex. I would have voted that this is OK - but I would not have voted that a “close” friend is OK. Big difference using the word “close.” :yup:
[/quote]

I understood a ‘limited’ friendship to be one that was not close and/or which had some very clear-cut boundaries


#18

[quote=SMHW]I understood ‘limited’ friendships to be those that were either not close and/or which were close but had some very clear-cut boundaries
[/quote]


#19

[quote=SMHW]I understood a ‘limited’ friendship to be one that was not close and/or which had some very clear-cut boundaries
[/quote]

Yes, that’s what I was going for. The inclusion/exclusion of close was quite intentional.
Voters are welcome to explain their definition of close or limited in the thread:).


#20

[quote=vluvski]Yes, that’s what I was going for. The inclusion/exclusion of close was quite intentional.
Voters are welcome to explain their definition of close or limited in the thread:).
[/quote]

It still doesn’t make sense to me.

I would, if there WAS a category - vote for “I am a female (and married) and I think a close friendship of someone of the opposite sex is highly innappropriate.”

But there is no such category. Although there IS an option to vote that you think it IS ok.


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