Out of control brother. Angry. Violent


I just received a heartbreaking phone call from my mother about the situation back home. I can’t think of anyone else to talk to or tell my story.

Basically my 21 year old brother still lives at home with my parents. He dropped out of college. He has a low paying movie theatre job, but that’s all. My parents pay for his car and all the bills. He contributes zero money in return. He also has a 17 year old girlfriend who has an extremely troubled home life. She spends most of her time with him at my parents house.

Today, my mother and brother were verbally fighting over his behavior. He suddenly breaks a lamp in the house. My mother gets mad and throws a lamp at him. Next thing, I’m told…he spits on her. Yes…he spit on my mother. She calls the police. They talk to him long and hard.

In the end, my mother didn’t press charges. Personally I’m ready to kill my brother, but she has begged me not to. My mother can’t stand the thought of him in a jail cell, but I say it is necessary.

I have no one else to talk too about any of this. I’m not saying that anyone out there has had the same situation happen; I’m just looking for some advice.

God bless those who respond.


Your brother acts the way he does and sponges off your parents because they let him.

There is nothing you can do as long as they are willing to enable him.

So, unless your mother is willing to act you should tell her not to tell you about her tale of woe.


Your mother is in a very difficult position. If she is like most parents even though she knows that your brother needs discipline she cannot bring herself to see him in jail. Love is very funny that way. True love must be tough at times but that is when the unconditional love of a parent comes in to instictively counter what must be done. Do not fault her for this as she would hold the same maternal instincts for you.

You should probably seek professional help in order to help out your mom. Killing your brother will not only not solve anything it would add much more chaos. Since you expressed great love for your mother any type of aggressive behavior on your part would only intensify her anxieties and give her more grief. Ultimately it is your mother’s home and all you can do is to give her counsel. So, you need to find out what the right things are to say to her in order that she can move forward. With your brother being 21 your mother has only two choices; continue being mistreated or find a way to have him leave. This is a very touchy issue but stay on your mom’s side. She needs your support and not your anger. She gets enough of that from your brother. My prayers are with you…teachccd


Though the above poster is right, do not alienate your mother. Just make your displeasure with your bro’s behavior visible, and talk to your parents about their enabling.


We are put in this imperfect world full of evil in order to learn to love.

Be strong, my child.




Your brother’s behavior sounds similar to my husband’s when he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (around the same age, too). He should get evaluated by a psychaitrist ASAP.


It sounds like your parents are enabling your brother… I had the exact same thing happen to me and my family a some time ago. I am still, years later, told that he is just that way, except it. It took my standing up to him during a physical conflict to make him understand that he will treat me this way. To this day he still tests the water with me, and he I have to stand up for myself to let him see that I will not be his carpet to walk on.

I do not know his background, but perhaps he needs to spend some time in jail, even if it is only a few hours or a day. To me it sounds like he only attacks those who love him, his family. He is still a little young. My older brother is the one with this problem. He is 35 and still acts like this, although he has calmed down some.

Good luck

Revert TSIEG


Is this the first such incident?

If it’s a part of a pattern, he may be struggling with mental illness. Maybe getting the proper treatment will help him to get his life back on track


Just some thoughts to consider.

Do you feel that your brother is a physical threat to your mother? I don’t know the size or capabilities of either your brother or mother, but this is often the birth of abusive behavior.

Legally, though, unless your brother threw the lamp at your mother, your mother’s throwing the lamp at your brother might be considered a greater assault than the spitting, and I don’t know if that came up when the police were there, but your mother may have feared having charges filed against her.

If you do not feel physically intimidated by your brother, you may want to consider having a “conversation” with him. The issue should not be your fear of alienating your mother from you (would you rather have an alienated mother or a dead mother), but the greater concern is that you need to weigh whether or not your brother may retaliate against your mother if you get involved.


sounds like my brother, lol…Except my brother has hit my mother…:shrug: I didn’t do anything to him because she wouldn’t let me either…lol…She had a huge bruise on her arm from where he shoved and pushed her so hard she hit a corner of the desk where she got injured and fell to the floor…when she told my father he wanted to rip his head off but mother didn’t let him… Well what can you do…that kid was having orgies in his bedroom in our mother’s house on an almost nightly basis, smoking pot and other ****…

After he graduated high school he wanted to be a big man left the house, and now he has a pizza hut job, and my parents are so proud of him because he’s getting an education…This boy has been in college since he graduated 4 years ago and still has no DEGREE!!! OK whatever… They pay for his expenses, they say it’s nothing really, but they bought him his car, pay for his car insurance, help with his rent, pay his cell phone bills and send him money to help with the utilities…Even though they claim they do no such thing…My father makes 100 grand a year and doesn’t have a penny to his name, and they don’t help my brother with anything else? sure…

Anyhow I stopped worrying about my family a while ago…I tell mother you let them run over you, you deal with it…

My sister has told mother off so many times it’s not even funny and then she gets mad at me when she puts me down humiliates me and I no longer want to talk to her? I have not disrespected her at all and she will tell me off because I tell her I don’t want to hear her nag about what siblings do that she lets them do to begin with…lol :shrug:

Ugh, family!! What are you going to do?

Let your mother know you are praying for her and your family and may GOD bless you and your loved ones!


Exactly. Essentially it’s up to your mother. This is a woman who throws lamps. Unless she is meekly being abused and is afraid to be in her own house there isn’t anything you can do.


Yes, I think this is something your family should consider. I remember a large psychology class in college where the professor ended this lecture with the remark that the onset of schizophrenia typically occurs during college ages. He then paused and wished us “good luck.” Gentle laughter came from us, to which he responded: “I’m serious.”

Mental illness can happen to anyone, even without a noticeable family history.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.