I truly understand where you are, for I too have traveled those same roads. Even though I am what is called a “cradle Catholic” I have been plagued with those same issues since the early days of Playboy, and Hustler.
Early this year, I lost my wife of 50 years to a hospital mistake. I am definitely not over that at all, but that’s another story for later. Just prior to my wife’s death, I had a heart attack, and while still under sedation, a voice told me, “Stop worrying, it’s been turned around”. When I awoke, there stood a Catholic priest. He said someone called him, and told him that I wanted to talk to him. He spent over half an hour with me, ending with giving me the last rites, as my heart was still acting up. As he was leaving, out of the clear blue, I asked him to go see my wife, who was in ICU also. When I left her the afternoon before, she was in her room, talking to a classmate. How did I know she had been brought into ICU? I didn’t. But, the words just came out of my mouth.
I firmly believe that the Blessed Mother was keeping a First Saturday promise of the sacraments before death, and was just using me to send my wife the spiritual help she needed.
After she died, the devil took out his vengence on me. The temptations, the doubts, the constant thoughts of porn, and self gratification. I told my pastor of the situation, and he told me that my problem stemmed from me being the reason that he no longer had my wife’s soul, and that I needed to “change my ways” or the devil would surely have my soul. I took him at his word, and set up an alter in my home using pictures of the Blessed Mother, and of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Topped off with blessed candles from Church, and a crystal crucifix that my wife had bought, and using a Lady of Fatima rosary that I received from “America Needs Fatima”, we, combined, took on the devil head on.
It has been four months since my last “session” of porn, and self gratification, and as you can see, I still use the internet, only now for much different purposes.
The change in my life was almost instantaneous. Once I had the alter set up, and began using it, the “urges” vanished. Oh, there are still problems. After 54 years “honoring” the same beautiful female body, to turn that off is another thing yet. Reacting to it in a sinful way is what has been stopped.
It is a constant, and on-going battle people like you, and I, fight. The devil is indeed “alive and well”. And, his powers have not diminished. Just look at what he has done to this country of ours.
As had been said already, pray, pray, pray. The power of Heaven is way more so than the power of Hell. Remember something my pastor told me, “Any photo. or statue of Jesus shows His hands extended out to us. We have to reach back.”
A short prayer I found in a chaplet to the Blessed Sacrament: "Jesus, in the Blessed Sacrament, take my heart, soul, body, and mind, and make them Yours, today, and forever, Amen.