Parents do not approve of the relationship


#1

I am 21 years old, practicing Catholic. I am currently in a long distance relationship with a Catholic boy that my parents do not approve of. They have several reasons as to why they do not support the relationship. I really love the boy and the boy feels the same about me. My parents see several negative qualties in the boy, that I agree with, but I am very much in love with him that I am blinded by passion, that makes me accept his negative qualities. Nevertheless, I actually see a future with him, and I believe that I can change his negatives to the better in the many years to come.

One of the many reasons my parents do not approve of him, is because he lives in an underdeveloped country, and wants me to move and live there with him once we are married. My parents do not accept me to leave North America to live in a less developed country for the rest of my life. But I am willing to marry him and move there with him, but my parents strongly oppose it.
I love the boy that I am willing to do what it takes. But this will be against my parent's will which hurts me so much.

Also, my parents see that the boy does not have the same level of spirituality as myself. My dad feels my souls is the priority in this issue. He sees how much I love the boy, but he says its not worth 'gambling with your soul'.

My parents pressured me to end the realtionship twice before, and I obeyed them, but a few days later, I fell into a state of depression, and at that same time the boy sent me a message saying that he was depressed too. That got us back together after the break-up. Right now, I am in touch with him without my parent's consent, and I am trying to discuss the issue again with my parents, to convince them or get them to change their mind. But I feel that my parents will never change their mind about it.

I want to respect their will, and obey them to end this relationship but something inside me tells me not to let go of him. I just do not wish to take any decision that might get me to regret some day in the future.

I have prayed a lot for this intention. I have asked people to pray for me. My sister is a nun, and I have desperstely requested her to pray for me. I know that God will guide me, but at the same time, I feel that even if God tries to guide me, I am afraid I may be blinded by my passions. My passions are so strong right now that I feel any help from God may not be seen or heard by me.

Having prayed 3 novenas, chaplets and prayers for this intention I am confident that God will help me, but right now, I am confused, and I need advice on this issue.

Any help willl be appreciated, I am desperate, and I am confused.

thanks,

Cathlie


#2

Keep praying. Only you can make this decision, but forget about "changing" him after you are married. That's just not going to happen. You can only change yourself. Only he can change himself.


#3

[quote="cathlie, post:1, topic:186600"]
Nevertheless, I actually see a future with him, and I believe that I can change his negatives to the better in the many years to come.

[/quote]

You cannot change anyone. Ever. Get that thought out of your head.

ONLY if you can live with him, forever, exactly as he is today should you consider marriage.

Are you supporting yourself and living on your own? If you are then make your own decisions.

If you are not yet emancipated, according to the Church, you must still obey your parents.


#4

remember that when you get married you are not just marrying that person, but their family. If your family really does not like this person, well it's probably going to be pretty miserable for you and your husband,

with that said, and no offense but this all seems a little immature. you are an adult, why do you need to OBEY your parents? You might not be ready for marriage yet. keep praying.


#5

It is a huge mistake to think that you can change or help someone. You can't. That is up to them. If this boyfriend hasn't changed his negatives now, marrying him or continuing in a relationship with him will not improve those things one bit.

Many, many young women fall into this trap of thinking. I did.

NEVER marry someone that you feel sorry for. They will just suck YOU into their problems. It's a guarantee.

Beware of being "addicted" to a romantic person. Please be aware that this is not the same thing as love. At this point I would try to limit your contact with this person, perhaps get some counseling because it seems that you are in desperate need of outside perspective.


#6

As a mother, and one who married someone thinking she could change some of his attitudes, I can understand your parents' point of view. I would really hate for my child to move farther than a couple hours away, much less another country. My grandson has lived in another city most of his life and barely knows who I am. For you to move across the world means they wouldn't see you or any children you may have. Then add to that "negative qualities", well, I don't even know you and I don't want you to marry him. People put their best foot forward during the courting phase. Once you're married you're stuck with him, even if you don't stay together. If you have kids, he'll always be there some way, and there are no second chances to get married again. I've been alone since 1987, and I wish I'd waited to find someone whose background and values were more like mine.

You can't change anyone. The only thing that will happen is you'll be unhappy. Please think very carefully before you make such a drastic move at such a young age.


#7

[quote="cathlie, post:1, topic:186600"]
My parents see several negative qualties in the boy, that I agree with, but I am very much in love with him that I am blinded by passion, that makes me accept his negative qualities.

[/quote]

It's time you take these blinders off. If you want to be treated like an adult, act like one. Mature Catholics ready for marriage do not ignore negative qualities because they are "blinded by passion." They assess those qualities and determine if any of them are going to negatively influence a future family-- children, spiritual growth, and attaining heaven. You mention he is not strong in the faith. It is a mistake for a devout person to marry someone who does not want to also have a strong and equal faith life.

[quote="cathlie, post:1, topic:186600"]
Nevertheless, I actually see a future with him, and I believe that I can change his negatives to the better in the many years to come.

[/quote]

You are 100% wrong. You cannot change anyone, ever. Only they can change themselves. If you go into a marriage thinking you will change your spouse you will be very sorry.

[quote="cathlie, post:1, topic:186600"]

One of the many reasons my parents do not approve of him, is because he lives in an underdeveloped country, and wants me to move and live there with him once we are married.

[/quote]

You say you are in a long distance relationship. Have you actually met in person? Spent any length of time together in his country or yours? How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other? What do you really know about him, his ability to earn a living and support a family, this country to which you would be moving?

Your parents have some legitimate concerns. You are 21, but you don't seem to have a very mature understanding of marriage and what it involves.


#8

take all these replies as your answer from God...DON'T GET MARRIED!! (to this man anyway)


#9

Two HUGE red flags here:

That in and of itself sums up your problem. I don’t know if I heard this at a Theology on Tap or a National Catholic Singles Conference talk, but in matters of the “head and heart”, one must never ignore the “head”.

I do not know what these negatives are, but the world is full of stories of people who thought they could change their spouse but could not. I’m sure Liberanosamalo could give particular insight into this, but if she did, Catholic Answers’ next fundraising appeal might be for added server capacity to store her response :smiley: .

Have you ever met this person? If not, don’t you think it is a bit premature to be thinking of marriage at this point? And if this is only through the internet, how can you be sure he is not someone who is trying to deceive you?


#10

[quote="cathlie, post:1, topic:186600"]
I am 21 years old, practicing Catholic. I am currently in a long distance relationship with a Catholic boy that my parents do not approve of. They have several reasons as to why they do not support the relationship. I really love the boy and the boy feels the same about me. My parents see several negative qualties in the boy, that I agree with, but I am very much in love with him that I am blinded by passion, that makes me accept his negative qualities. Nevertheless, I actually see a future with him, and I believe that I can change his negatives to the better in the many years to come.

One of the many reasons my parents do not approve of him, is because he lives in an underdeveloped country, and wants me to move and live there with him once we are married. My parents do not accept me to leave North America to live in a less developed country for the rest of my life. But I am willing to marry him and move there with him, but my parents strongly oppose it.
I love the boy that I am willing to do what it takes. But this will be against my parent's will which hurts me so much.

Also, my parents see that the boy does not have the same level of spirituality as myself. My dad feels my souls is the priority in this issue. He sees how much I love the boy, but he says its not worth 'gambling with your soul'.

My parents pressured me to end the realtionship twice before, and I obeyed them, but a few days later, I fell into a state of depression, and at that same time the boy sent me a message saying that he was depressed too. That got us back together after the break-up. Right now, I am in touch with him without my parent's consent, and I am trying to discuss the issue again with my parents, to convince them or get them to change their mind. But I feel that my parents will never change their mind about it.

I want to respect their will, and obey them to end this relationship but something inside me tells me not to let go of him. I just do not wish to take any decision that might get me to regret some day in the future.

I have prayed a lot for this intention. I have asked people to pray for me. My sister is a nun, and I have desperstely requested her to pray for me. I know that God will guide me, but at the same time, I feel that even if God tries to guide me, I am afraid I may be blinded by my passions. My passions are so strong right now that I feel any help from God may not be seen or heard by me.

Having prayed 3 novenas, chaplets and prayers for this intention I am confident that God will help me, but right now, I am confused, and I need advice on this issue.

Any help willl be appreciated, I am desperate, and I am confused.

thanks,

Cathlie

[/quote]

My Dear~
You are 21!!! :eek: There is no need to run off and get married to this boy. As you said you are "blinded" by passion, and you "think you can change him" ...both VERY bad reasons to get married so young.
As for the break ups...your parents can not force you to do something against your will, you obviously thought there were valid reasons to
....and the "depression" that follows is very natural when you end something. You must give yourself time to experience new things and heal. Several days will not suffice. My younger sister waited a year to even consider dating after she ended her long term relationship.:( It was not easy.

You also stated you AGREED with your parents on the issues he has. You need to very much look at this....you can not change him, you never will be able to. You need to look at what your conscience, NOT your passions, is telling you. You also need to give your self time to think and reflect.

God is trying to talk to you, but if you are telling yourself this is not what you want to hear, you will not be able to hear him....


#11

Thanks everyone for your advice and help.

I just want to clarify something here. The clarification here is that I have seen the boy numerous times when he came to the country I live in for a vacation with his family. We went out on countless occasions, and my parents know his parents since childhood.

Also, I never meant to say that I am willing to get married at 21. I prefer to give myself the chance to get to know him better, before I am ready to share my life with him in marriage. And having said that, I want my parent's approval which I just cannot obtain.


#12

Listen to all the good people here, please, there is a lot of great advice here.

I was once like you.

I would DEFINITELY not make any decisions about marriage until you have met and have spent time with him .

And no matter what happens, trust in the Lord! I met and married a very good man in my early 30s---- :slight_smile:


#13

[quote="cathlie, post:1, topic:186600"]
I believe that I can change his negatives to the better in the many years to come.

[/quote]

This is the only part of your post that I will address.

Never, ever, ever, go into any relationship with the idea that "you" are going to "change" or "fix" them. It's an unwise and ill-advised approach to marriage.


#14

ok, lets take a step back and consider the actual problems

  1. you admit you are "blinded by passion" right there is a problem! even if he was the perfect husband, if you feel that you are running blind on emotion... YOU have an issue which will hurt any marriage....
    resolve to yourself not to allow this "blinding passion" to rule your life, ask the intercession of saints who lived lives of discipline

  2. your parents see problems with him..... and you agree.
    ok, so... YOU cant change him, only HE (and God) can change him. If you agree that these issues are problems, why dont you just tell him what the issues are, and tell him HE needs to work on them before you can commit to anything

  3. he does not have the depth of spirituality you want in a husband.
    well...... tell him you need to see him work on that. tell him what yu want in a husband. tell him he needs to be ALREADY a good upstanding man, because you know people dont magically change because they get married.

if he is really a good match for you, HE will want to be a good husband, and HE will work on change.. with God's grace. and your parents (who sound very astute) will see that change, and at least come to terms with it.

meanwhile? i suggest asking St Monica's assistance, she prayed for the conversion of her son (the future St Augustine) for many years...
and perhaps you can ask St Augustine to help as well........


#15

there have been a lot of good posts here - and since they are all telling you to - at the least wait - and at the most - walk away from this relationship…

The red flag that jumped out at me on your post was your willingness to communicate with him against your parents wishes - when they think you are no longer in communication.
If this is a relationship you need to lie about - this is not the right relationship.
This is leading you into compromising your values - it starts with lying to your parents about your communication, then where will it lead?

You need to take a minimum of 6 months break from all communication with him, get out meet other people, go volunteer somewhere, get busy and involved in your community - if you sit around and mope about not being able to read his e-mails it will only make it worse - will be praying for you - :slight_smile:


#16

I’m in agreement with the other posters who have advised you that you, nor I, nor anyone else, will ever change anyone. This involves the sin of pride. It is saying your love is so special that he can’t help but change. Wrong.

Next is a person from another country who wants you to live there. It is one thing to be on vacation and have fun, but entirely different when you are actually living there. What’s your rights as a woman, or as a married woman, in this country? What’s your rights as a mother if you should have children? Can you have your own bank account, who gets what in a divorce, who keeps the kids.

Sorry if this is harsh but I do know people who married others from another country. I’m sure you are aware of some of these stories that make the news. You don’t have your US rights when you live in another country.


#17

To the OP, How old are you?


#18

I am 21 years old


#19

Are you living with your parents, do they support you financially or are you supporting yourself?


#20

Yes I live with my parents and they completely support me, financially.


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