Parents, the biggest lie WE feed our children?


#21

[quote="EasterJoy, post:20, topic:250922"]
I have found it worthwhile in my interactions with my kids and in refereeing them that two formulas are important:
1) Apologies don't work unless the apology comes after the "but":
Excuse Wording: I'm sorry I yelled, I shouldn't have done that, but I'm really tired.
Apology Wording: I'm really tired, but I'm sorry I yelled. I shouldn't have done that.

2) There is almost never just one responsible person. Assigning blame to someone else does not automatically take the heat off of you. Examples:
"Mommy yelled and shouldn't have" does NOT imply "You were a good girl" any more than "You were being naughty" implies "Mommy can yell all she likes."
Rather, you can say, "Mommy shouldn't have yelled at you, and you shouldn't be using my things without asking. We both have something to work on, don't we? What shall we do about that?"

As I tell my kids, if you use other people's bad behavior as an excuse for yours, you'll always be the worst-behaved person in the room. Until everyone else acts right, you'll give yourself a reason why you don't have to! When others misbehave, we have to find good ways to respond to that. We aren't allowed to just react any way we like, and blame it on them.

[/quote]

great points and thank you!


#22

[quote="Serap, post:16, topic:250922"]
You know what...when I feel that I could have done better or I should not have yelled, etc. I will tell my dd how I am feeling. I do just that. I say something like, "Mommy feels terrible for yelling at you yesterday. Mommy should learn to be more patient with you. You are a good girl and mommy sometimes just gets too angry. I love you honey. You are a good girl."

I am actively taking accountablity for my actions with my dd. I am letting her know that I'm not perfect and that I'm making mistakes. I think the important message she receives is that mommy's imperfections are not her fault.

I always take accountability and own up to my mistakes with my kids. I feel really comfortable with this approach and I plan on using it going foward as they grow older.

[/quote]

I love this attitude as well as the ponts mentioned by EasterJoy. This is what I try to employ when I realize I'm out of line with the kids. Yes I was deliriously tired or stressed but spazzing out can, under no circumstance, = doing one's best.

I just think we're doing children a HUGE disservice by telling them we did our best when we caused them so much pain. I hear that especially from parents who neglect their children because they need to work and finish their PH.D and travel abroad etc.

It's such a slap in the face to try to express to your parents the hurt they caused you and have them say: well, I did my best. Fine, but add: I'm sorry it wasn't enough, or I know you deserved better etc. Otherwise, we end up using the same excuse and perpetuate this notion that: I'm your parent you can't reproach me of anything.

I just pray I will be able to accept the reproaches from my children and make amends to
them while I'm still with them.


#23

Lots of good word on this thread, but the question remains for ME to answer for myself, mom of 10 kids. Did I do the best that I could? H

Heck, Im not even doing the best I could right this minute-- Im on the computer and dinner is late.

But PuzzleAnnie hits a great big nail when she points to the outcome falacy. Exhibit A from my house. Of our 10, the two closest in age are 24 and 26-- birthdays are 1 day apart. Though one is miraculously recovering from addiction, what's true about these 2 siblings is this: stood side by side, one appears to have been raised by angelic contemplative saints, the other appears to have been raised by wolves.

I didn't do my best with either of them. I did good enough with both of them.


#24

This week I had a biposy done on Tuesday.

Wednesday, DD thought it would be a good idea to do arts and crafts in her brother's bed....the elmer's glue bottle was clogged, and her way of fixing it was to remove the cap. She then spilled the entire contents in his sheets. Then she tried to clean it up. I found a trail of elmers glue that went from the kitchen to his bed. His blue sheets have a nice white stain on them....it seemed the glue has a bleaching effect

Thursday I noticed a hole on DS's wall. A nice circular hole. There was a little spot where the door nob would hit when he opened the door. I guess he conducted a physics experiment to see how much velocity was necessary for the door nob to break through a wall.

Again thursday, while grocery shopping DS and DD decide to see how much they can lift. I intercepted them attempting to lift a watermelon. The big bag of rice, thankfully did not break when DD realized she was not strong enough to carry it.

But, tonight at cuddletime before baby's bedtime, he put his arms around me and said, "I yuv you." Then he told DH, "I yuv mommy."

Thank you little fellow.... :heart:


#25

[quote="1inICXC, post:3, topic:250922"]
Having done your best means being sinless as God doesn't hold ANYTHING above our capabilities as sin against us.

[/quote]

Which is why He gave us the sacrament of reconciliation. We will all sin in different ways. As long as we go to confession and repent that is OK. But don't fall into the trap of thinking you can never make a mistake in the first place. That is totally unrealistic


#26

[quote="1inICXC, post:22, topic:250922"]

I just think we're doing children a HUGE disservice by telling them we did our best when we caused them so much pain. I hear that especially from parents who neglect their children because they need to work and finish their PH.D and travel abroad etc.
.

[/quote]

I agree some people cash in on the phrase 'I did my best' to avoid responsibility. But....... we can not judge. Sometimes people cause their children pain and in turns out the parent did MORE than their best.

Example, I have met men who as little boys had a very sick mother. The father would have to go to work, then visit his wife in the hospital in the evening and take care of everything. These men did not take their son's to the park which caused their son's a lot of pain, but the father did do more than his best.

Sometimes kids get hurt and that is just life (not the parents fault)

Getting a PHd may be for the best. If the only way the parent can earn a decent living is to get the PHd, well...... it is for the best.

As for travelling abroad, that too is a gray area. If a couple's marriage is on the rocks and some alone couple time could help rebuild it, that is for the best.

No one can pass judgement

CM


#27

I would just like to add that no one of us can really know what someone elses best really is and that if someone says to us,parent or not, that they did their best and they seem to be sincere we are obligated in charity to believe that they did.


#28

My mother often tells me that she did her best and it hurts my feelings. She was a terrible mother and I do not believe at all that she did her best.n She was verbally abusive, neglectful and she used to treat me as though I was a bad kid.

I wish she would say, "I wasn't very good to you b/c of my mental health and I wish I could have been better to you. You deserved better."

That would mean so much more to me.

She says, "I did my best. I really did my best." and I just get angry inside, like she is being selfish and only thinking about herself. It causes a big emotional gap between us.

This is why it's so important for me to take responsbility with my dd when I screw up as a mother.


#29

[quote="Serap, post:28, topic:250922"]
My mother often tells me that she did her best and it hurts my feelings. She was a terrible mother and I do not believe at all that she did her best.n She was verbally abusive, neglectful and she used to treat me as though I was a bad kid.

I wish she would say, "I wasn't very good to you b/c of my mental health and I wish I could have been better to you. You deserved better."

That would mean so much more to me.

She says, "I did my best. I really did my best." and I just get angry inside, like she is being selfish and only thinking about herself. It causes a big emotional gap between us.

This is why it's so important for me to take responsbility with my dd when I screw up as a mother.

[/quote]

Hi Serap,

I am really sorry this is how it is with your mom. May God give you inner peace

CM


#30

[quote="Serap, post:28, topic:250922"]
My mother often tells me that she did her best and it hurts my feelings. She was a terrible mother and I do not believe at all that she did her best.n She was verbally abusive, neglectful and she used to treat me as though I was a bad kid.

I wish she would say, "I wasn't very good to you b/c of my mental health and I wish I could have been better to you. You deserved better."

That would mean so much more to me.

She says, "I did my best. I really did my best." and I just get angry inside, like she is being selfish and only thinking about herself. It causes a big emotional gap between us.

This is why it's so important for me to take responsbility with my dd when I screw up as a mother.

[/quote]

I'm very familiar with these kind of scenarios as well as parents who were completely
disconnected from their child's lives- you know, the ones who cut themselves and when they end up doing something drastic their parents say, I can't believe it, he was such a normal child, I never saw this coming... Why, because it was more important to pay his tuition than to ask him how he is doing or what he would like in life?

So they say they did their best and put their conscience at ease.

In the case of the father with a sick wife, yes he did his best, but why not explain to his
children that he understands thT theyNEED more of his time and attention and that he is sorry he cannot provide that for them? I think the kids would be much more balanced and would have a better perspective of things when they see the parents acknowledging their shortages in parenting, regardless of whether it is intentional or negligence.

Personally, I hope I will never hear myself saying this to my children.


#31

I remember a little story I read a few years ago right before #1 and DH and I thinking: wow, now that' GREAT PARENTING!

Ba ck in the day, in south Africa, a man had to go to town to attend a meeting so he took the opportunity to also get the car fixed and take his son along.
Upon arriving in town, the son sees that the latest Indiana jones movie is playing at the cinema, one problem, it was going to run past his father's meeting time.

He dropped off his father, than the car at the mechanic's and headed to the cinema regardless.

When he arrived late to pick up his father his father asked him where he had been and he said the mechanic ran behind schedule with the car, to which his father replied, but I called the mechanic 30 minutes ago and he said he was waiting for you. Upon realizing he had been caught lying he apologized to his father and asked him to get in the car as it had started to rain. His father replied: no son. I will walk home as I need this time to think about what I have done and where I have failed to have my own son lie to me. So the son drove in the rain, all the way home, behind his pondering father.


#32

[quote="1inICXC, post:30, topic:250922"]

In the case of the father with a sick wife, yes he did his best, but why not explain to his
children that he understands thT theyNEED more of his time and attention and that he is sorry he cannot provide that for them? I think the kids would be much more balanced and would have a better perspective of things when they see the parents acknowledging their shortages in parenting, regardless of whether it is intentional or negligence.

.

[/quote]

You make a very good point that the father should explain and acknowledge the kids needs. That is a very good point in theory. However, in real life, depending on the kids age, it could back fire. A kid would then say 'You know I need this and you won't give it to me. you are not nice'. You can not expect a kid to understand that after a long day of taking care of a sick wife, a man wants to relax in front of the TV. In a kids mind 'What is the difference between watching TV and watching a movie at the cinema'

My mom use to 'explain to me' she understood my needs and not do a thing about it. It drove me nuts. I saw her as a hypocryte.

Example, as a student I wanted to spend a summer in Europe. My mom would not hear of it. We bumped into one of her friends who was disgruntled saying 'My daughter just took her pack sac and left for Europe'. To which my mom replied 'Oh come on. All kids want to do that and it is a great experience. Now is the time to do it when she is young'

Later when I was alone with my mom, I asked her why she said that. My mom explained she knew this was something that was important and she thought it was good. To which I said 'So then why can't I go'. To which my mom replied 'Because I don't have that woman's money and can't afford to send you'. I said I could work and pay for it myself. My mom still said 'no'

So, yes my mom explained it to me. But it did NOT make me feel better

CM


#33

[quote="1inICXC, post:30, topic:250922"]
I'm very familiar with these kind of scenarios as well as parents who were completely
disconnected from their child's lives- you know, the ones who cut themselves and when they end up doing something drastic their parents say, I can't believe it, he was such a normal child, I never saw this coming... Why, because it was more important to pay his tuition than to ask him how he is doing or what he would like in life?

So they say they did their best and put their conscience at ease.

In the case of the father with a sick wife, yes he did his best, but why not explain to his
children that he understands thT theyNEED more of his time and attention and that he is sorry he cannot provide that for them? I think the kids would be much more balanced and would have a better perspective of things when they see the parents acknowledging their shortages in parenting, regardless of whether it is intentional or negligence.

Personally, I hope I will never hear myself saying this to my children.

[/quote]

:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:


#34

[quote="cmscms, post:32, topic:250922"]
You make a very good point that the father should explain and acknowledge the kids needs. That is a very good point in theory. However, in real life, depending on the kids age, it could back fire. A kid would then say 'You know I need this and you won't give it to me. you are not nice'. You can not expect a kid to understand that after a long day of taking care of a sick wife, a man wants to relax in front of the TV. In a kids mind 'What is the difference between watching TV and watching a movie at the cinema'

My mom use to 'explain to me' she understood my needs and not do a thing about it. It drove me nuts. I saw her as a hypocryte.

Example, as a student I wanted to spend a summer in Europe. My mom would not hear of it. We bumped into one of her friends who was disgruntled saying 'My daughter just took her pack sac and left for Europe'. To which my mom replied 'Oh come on. All kids want to do that and it is a great experience. Now is the time to do it when she is young'

Later when I was alone with my mom, I asked her why she said that. My mom explained she knew this was something that was important and she thought it was good. To which I said 'So then why can't I go'. To which my mom replied 'Because I don't have that woman's money and can't afford to send you'. I said I could work and pay for it myself. My mom still said 'no'

So, yes my mom explained it to me. But it did NOT make me feel better

CM

[/quote]

My take is that your mother was afraid of losing you. She was being selfish on a subconscious level. I think it was fear on her part. She probably couldn't even explain it if she tried.


#35

You should reread what you just wrote. Your mom didn’t explain anything. She encouraged someone to do something she wouldn’t let you do, gave you a poor excuse and then reverted to the typical patent-like tyranny (where no is no just because)

If she came out and gave you the REAL reason I’m sure you’d be feeling otherwise.at least a constructive discussion may have come out of it.

This, again, is not exemplary parenting.


#36

[quote="1inICXC, post:35, topic:250922"]
You should reread what you just wrote. Your mom didn't explain anything. She encouraged someone to do something she wouldn't let you do, gave you a poor excuse and then reverted to the typical patent-like tyranny (where no is no just because)

If she came out and gave you the REAL reason I'm sure you'd be feeling otherwise.at least a constructive discussion may have come out of it.

This, again, is not exemplary parenting.

[/quote]

Again, I think mom was afraid of losing her child to the big bad world of Europe.:D She didn't want her baby to leave the nest and due to lack of communication skills, she just gave an "Because I said so" approach.

Some people are very ****** communicators and some of these ****** communicators are also "moms".


#37

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