Partner's sexuality

Ok, my partner has admitted from the start that he loves looking at women’s legs especially if the woman is wearing a short skirt, tights and high-heels. No problem. As we got to know each other more, and by the way he’s a Eucharistic minister, I have found out that he regularly watches porn, masturbates several times a week, and likes putting on my tights and panties and masturbating, whilst fantasizing about Britney Spears, Madonna, Sharon Stone, Katy Perry, or different porn stars, actresses, or any woman he sees wearing a short skirt. My attitude was: pray for him, tell him it’s addictive and bad for his soul, and just hope he’d eventually cut down and stop. But he says there’s nothing wrong with masturbation coz it’s not doing anyone any harm and that everyone does it, including priests. He’s 45 and he’s been doing this for years, so it’s unlikely he’ll stop now. Any time I’ve refused sex he says well we’re not hurting anyone. I feel spiritually sick and trapped. We were engaged but he canceled, saying he couldn’t commit. I really love this man and he treats me very well, and I know he’d never chest. What do I do? My family can’t stand him but I love him


This is why women at large will never truly be able to compete with men out in the real world.

Such. Poor. Choices.

? Sorry I don’t know what you mean ??


I’m afraid that the only advice I can give, and the only advice you are likely to receive on this forum, is to get out. Run. This man is deeply, deeply entrenched in sin, and he knows it, but he remains in it. Your soul and his are at stake here. Consider the eternal consequences of remaining with him and condoning his sin by your act of remaining with him. Hell is real; you absolutely must realize what your priorities are, and what is more important to you: your feelings towards this man, or the eternal state of your soul.

Rest assured, if you stay with him, he will drag you down with him.

Well, one thing they teach you in marriage prep is that you need to take a good look at the person you are going to marry because that is the person you will be with for the duration of your marriage. In other words, you can’t expect to change your partner. You have to be satisfied with them the way they are when you marry them. If you think you are going to get married to this man and change his bad habits, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Yes, certainly pray for him and encourage him to stop sinning. But ultimately he has the free will to choose to stop or not. God can help him, but even God cannot make him change. If God can’t make him change, then neither can you. That’s what it means to have free will.

So, I guess the question is, can you be married to him while he is this way? If the answer is no, you need to reconsider.

Completely agree. :thumbsup:

Ok, what do I say to him? Do I just leave? We’re not actually living together btw

Sarah God gives us free will to choose and do whatever we want. And if we are lucky there are times God shows us things for a reason.

My Man can share my deodorant, my bed, my money, if I catch him ever wanting the panties we have a BIG problem.

That is just messed up.

I believe we all know why you are feeling spiritually confused and trapped. Run!!

This is not how you should feel before a marriage.

If I were you I would go to Church, thank God for revealing this to me, and move on.

Now if it were me, here is what I would say.

I think you have many problems. It sickens me what you do, and this is not what I want in a husband or Father of my children someday.

Then I would go out and get all new underwear and throw the old ones out with him!!:smiley:

HE cancelled the engagement because he could not commit. That says wonders. Not only are there severe moral differences, of which you will be the doing the bulk of the compromising, there is the huge fact that this man does not want to commit to you, possibly because you take exception to his porn viewing and masterbation as well as his pressuring you for premarital sex. It doesn’t look like he is interested in marriage. Move on and take time for yourself to figure out what your non negotiables are and look for a man who falls in line with those.


Yeah it feels messed up. If I knew what he was like from ths start, I wouldn’t have gone near him. Infact, what attracted me to him in the first place was how Holy he seemed. If the devil is this good, how do I know who to trust?

Dear Sarah,
It’s a good idea to get to know someone for at least a year before becoming engaged. I know that doesn’t happen all the time, but it’s the wisest course. And don’t sleep with anyone before you marry them, because when we do that, it releases chemicals (oxytocin) that make it hard to leave that person.
If a man is truly holy and loves you, he will not ask you to sleep with him before marriage. That’s one way to tell.
This guy should not be a Eucharistic minister.

Remember God! He shows us thing’s sometimes, we just have to listen. Look at Judas, he was picked by God and betrayed him.

But trust God my Love, Go to him and ask him to lead you to the right Man. Trust him, he will show you the way.

My daughter is 30 now. I gave her this advice and is now married for 5 years. When I gave it to her, she had just broken up with a boyfriend of 4 years. When I told her to pray and trust God I got:rolleyes: But she did do it. And boy did she get surprised. Within 6 months she met her husband and is actually now expecting her first baby!

Now I am a little confused on one thing though, God never answered ME that quick!:smiley:

I couldn’t put it better. He’ll ruin your spiritual and psychological life in this world and the next. Just tell him it ain’t working out, he’s not your type and move on. Don’t invest any more energy on him.

God bless. I will pray for you.

When he broke off the engagement I was distraught but I got my life together even though I missed him terribly. When he saw me getting on with my life, he wanted me back. We’re getting counselling but he won’t tell the therapist the full picture. I wish I never got back with him

Okay, there is one other thing I can add. The behavior you describe is that of a sex addict. I know that in today’s “anything goes” world that is considered too judgemental. But do a Google search for sex addiction and read up on it. Send him a link to twelve step groups that deal with sex addiction.

I did google his behaviour and it seems he’s a transvestite, although he says just “likes the feel of the nylon”

Get out while you can. Other than the commitment thing, this man sounds so much like my husband. I ignored the warning signs an he didn’t really become obvious with the crossdressing and stop hiding the extent of his porn use until I was pregant, had quit my job, and was pretty much trapped in the situation.

This was compounded at first with subtle manipulation - like you mentioned, once you start getting on with your life or getting in control of it, he wants you back, and he will not be honest in therapy (possibly his way of making you look like you’re crazy or exaggerating problems and he is innocent of wrongdoing). It totally screwed up my head and self-esteem and I tried to commit suicide when my son was a few months old, because he turned very emotionally abusive once I had left my job and became totally financially dependent on him - I was depressed, didn’t see any way out, and found out he was hooking up with men on craigslist and fetish boards (I never though he’s cheat either, but pervisions and addications do strange things to people).

If you get together, chances are he won’t change, his acts will continue or get worse (my husband progressed from “mild” crossdressing to thinking he might be bi or gay, wanting all sortf of fetishistic sex, pushing for threesomes and group sex, encouraging me to hook up with other men because the idea excisted him, and to convincing himself he is transgender but still wanting to stay together for appearances). I’m stuck in this situation for the forseeable situation because I have no financial way out and it makes me miserable and scares me because I am worried it will end up affecting our son.

Masturbation is common among men but the cross dressing in women’s underwear is not.

He is disturbed, not just morally challenged.

Run, far away.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit