So, I’m here to admit something that I’ve never told anyone in this world…something that really confuses and frustrates, and angers me to no end. If I think about it for long enough, it becomes an incurable disease that slowly takes hold until it has come to completely dominate my life, pushing out all concentration and sanity until I’m able to distract myself from it by writing cathardic posts such as this one. And, it is a major stumbling block in my relationship with Jesus, which is why I am posting it here.
I don’t have a passion. I don’t love anything enough that I MUST pursue it.
I am interested in politics and human rights, which makes this revelation all the more uncomfortable. As far as my beliefs take me, I don’t have any issues where I feel my point of view is absolutely right and all people should do X under all circumstances (I know I could start with the Church’s stances on certain issues, but I am very new to Catholicism and not yet at the point where I can throw myself completely behind any cause). I tend to see too many complications in situations and am not sure where and how to act to contribute positively. Many people have a personal experience (often tragic) that becomes a mission. I have not (not that my life has been comfortable or easy, though such things are relative). I am also no spring chicken, and getting closer to the big 3-0 at a frightening speed. Nor can I point to family and marriage as my true calling, as I am nowhere near that life at this point in time (which I know is related to my undefinedness). Now I never expected to have my whole life together by 30 or had a checklist of ages for other things, but having something, anything to devote my life to would be nice.
Where did I go wrong? Why am I so useless? I really do not know what to do, except pray and wait…and wait…and wait…and possibly watch a lifetime go by.
But there really is nothing in terms of work or career that I have a “fire” for. No passion that I could see being worth sacrifices to health and spiritual life and family if that is, in fact, my vocation, as so many of the “careers” do out there these days. No cause that I would die for. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. None.
Doing things that I love (I wouldn’t say I have an undying need to do any of them) tends to be limited by lack of money and time. And, additionally, my hobbies and abilities tend toward the non-profitable. I’ve chosen not to make certain things my career (e.g.-dance) due to concerns that the pressures of the field (e.g.- body image issues) would outweigh any benefit of my contribution through that field. Maybe I missed my calling with dance, but it’s too late now. Maybe I’ll be hit by a bus tomorrow and none of this will matter.
I have a full schedule of classes and activities that keep me busy enough that I don’t dwell on this issue, but it nags just below the surface and rears its ugly head when some situation or conversation makes me aware of just how little I contribute to this earth. I’m not lazy or indifferent (could go into more detail, but this post is already long enough:o), but I do feel drained at the end of each week. I really wish I had that tireless spirit that can devote every waking hour of its energy to others without needing a rest, but I have an introverted one that needs its “downtime” to function. I’m overwhelmed just by all the news and information and issues that there are to keep up with in this day and age. I’m overwhelmed. Perhaps it is possible to overcome this and develop the unsinkable spirit. The trouble is, I don’t even know where to start.
Has anyone else out there experienced similar problems, been a “late bloomer”, felt stupid for not having passions or special talents, been frustrated by feeling “average” at everything…or (as I fear the most) am I alone?