Pending Engagement


#1

:eek: My wonderful boyfriend and I have talked about getting married very often and I seem to be getting a bit obsessed (I already have dresses picked out and have chosen a venue, we aren’t even engaged). We went and looked at rings the other day and he keeps hinting that he is going to ask me…eventually. We both know it could take a while to get a home and we don’t want to get married until I am out of school but he doesn’t want a prolonged engagement (we are thinking of marrying Oct of 2009) for fear of what people will say. I personally don’t care how long we are engaged, I just want to be his fiance. Am i being selfish in wanting to be engaged? I promise I haven’t tried to force him into anything or rush him. It just makes me sad.


#2

Aw, no, there’s nothing wrong with wanting that:) …you are blessed to know that you’d like to be this man’s wife, and it sounds like he knows that. Being engaged is an exciting time, and it will happen when the timing is right. Probably ‘obsessing’ over it isn’t going to move it along further.:o lol But, it’s important that you’re both on the same page–as far as a timeline goes.

I can be impatient too…look at it as a time to pray over perhaps a need for strengthening your patience in ‘the wait.’ I just had a question though–what are you fearful of people saying/thinking? I didn’t fully understand that sentence…


#3

Realistic me here…

Could you imagine, a young man who said “ohhh, I think I have a vocation, I’ve picked out parish and my vestments, I just know that the Bishop will call and ask me”.

Discernment is a matter that should be undertaken with sobriety, spiritual guidance and prayer. Have you both sat down with your famlies and talked about this? Have you sat down with your Priest? To wait until a young man “pops the question” to begin serious discernment is not wise. Discern now, then, when you both know that this is the path God has for you - buy the ring.


#4

When my husband and I were dating, I too wanted the same thing, just to be engaged.
Eventually it did happen and he is the most wonderful man.

Keep praying and God will answer your prayers when he is ready for you to take this step.


#5

Thank you for your replies. We have talked with our families and our priest actually, they all think it is a wonderful idea as well. I am praying for more patience, I just wish I could fast forward certain aspects of my life (like college :rolleyes: ). Honestly, I don’t know what he meant when he said that people would say things if we had a long engagement. I’m thinking he meant people would say/think things if we got engaged and didn’t set a date at all…which doesn’t really make sense either. his exact words after that statement were “Because you know that’s going to be the first thing they ask, and what do you say to that without a date?”


#6

I suggest you sit back and exercise patience. It is not a prudent thing to rush a man’s decision with marriage.

Why would you want to be engaged with no date in sight? I am not sure that is healthy.

Focus on your education and finishing that. Let time takes it course and take one day at a time…and that is how you best support your man right now. He will appreciate that.

Sometimes we tend to get all wrapped in the romantic aspect of the engagement - the ring, the status of being engaged, possessiveness of the fiancé, all that fun stuff.

It truly is more than that though.

You have not mentioned how long you have been together?


#7

We have a date in sight now but at the time of our conversation we did not. We have been dating for one year and 6 months, but we have known each other for well over three years. I have truly tried to refrain from rushing things, I hardly even mention it ( I wait for him to bring up the subject) I only have two semesters of school left and therefore I will be done well before the date we have decided on and already teaching. I don’t know, I suppose I just want it to be official.


#8

whatever time frame you are thinking call your parish now and find out how much time to allow for marriage preparation, in most places it is at least 6 months before the wedding date.

I am a little concerned that OP is waiting and hoping that bf will pop the question, sounds like some more mutual discussion on shared values, life plans, hot topics like finances, children, birth control, careers, where to live and so forth is in order. A communications style now that involves one person waiting passively for the other to speak, or trying to manipulate the other person into speaking or acting, does not sound like a healthy basis for a strong marriage.


#9

I think that some people today call each other “fiance” when really they are just shacking up. So maybe he’s thinking that other people would think you’re not taking marriage seriously, and perhaps fall into that category of engaged people who don’t have a reason to get married because you’re already getting all the worldly “benefits” of marriage.

What does bf mean by “prolonged engagement”? Weddings can be planned for in much less than a year, but as long as you have the time and the discernment has been made, I’d recommend getting engaged about a year or so in advance, just so that you can plan your wedding with a little less stress. On the other hand, 2 years does seem like a long time to me. So the question is, WHY do you want to be engaged so badly? Is it because you aren’t sure if he really does plan to marry you? If so, then maybe you and he need to communicate to make sure you each know where the other stands. Is it more that being engaged is an exciting time in life? Then I think you might do well to just try to be patient a little longer. After all, once you’re engaged, then you’re going to start getting impatient to get married… Or is it that you want to be married sooner than 2 years from now, in which case the 2 of you can decide if you really are considering the right date? From what you’ve said, it sounds like you and your bf are taking the right steps to follow your paths. If that’s true, and all is well with the relationship, then I’d say do your best to enjoy this time. After all, once you’ve been married several years, you’ll (hopefully) look back fondly on this time of dating and discernment.


#10

Being engaged is FUN! Such a lovely time. I had serious wedding withdrawl after mine… and I was enaged for 11 months! That wasn’t enough for me, I wanted to cherish the engagement period longer! People are so nice and excited for you when you are engaged… silly culture we have yes, I mean single people are super fun and cool and exciting too!

All the best to you! Planning things out well in advance makes things easier for you and all those involved in your wedding. Things will go your way more if you have a longer engagement in my opinion.


#11

I agree with ThyKingdomCome. The reason long engagements are frowned on in society is that people assume that you have no reason to get married because you’re already receiving the full benefits of marriage. As my mother warned me, why would he buy the cow if the milk is being delivered for free?

I almost got engaged to my boyfriend this year, but after some discussion about finances and potential wedding dates, we decided to wait on the engagement. His family and mine both live overseas, and we want to meet each other’s families before we get engaged, in order to get their full support.

But when I say we almost got engaged, it was a mutual decision. We talked about marriage, we discussed the important things about the future, and he suggested that I come ring shopping with him. Then he said he’d propose at a future date. But before the ring shopping trip came around, we realized that there was no way we could afford to take a trip to both our home countries well in advance of the wedding. At the moment, our jobs don’t offer vacation time at the same time, so we’d have to wait a year to negotiate vacations at the signing of our new contracts. Then we’d need to meet each other’s families, and if nothing went wrong, then we could get engaged. We can’t see getting married before late 2009, and I don’t want to be engaged for so long.

So as much as it hurts not to call myself his fiancee yet, and as much as I’d like to have his ring on my finger for all to see, I know that waiting to get engaged is the smarter option for us. And I hope for our anniversary, he gives me some smaller private token of our intentions, like a silver ring on a chain, that I can keep close to my heart. I might just drop that hint, though, because I don’t figure he’ll be able to read my mind!


closed #12

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