People staying in our home


#1

I'd like some opinions on this situation: We have five kids (18 months to 8 years) and it's difficult to have them looked after when we want to have a night out. We have a wedding coming up that is interstate, so to attend we'd have to fly out, stay overnight for two nights and fly back. A friend has agreed to mind the kids for one evening, but can't do the actual wedding day.

My husband's parents have changed their plans and are flying back early from a holiday to mind the kids on the second day/night. I was very grateful to them when I found this out, because it would have been much harder if we'd had to find willing minders for each of our kids separately.

Here's my concern: When this was all arranged, Hubby's Dad was going to stay overnight at our house and mind the kids. My husband just mentioned in passing the other day that, not only are both of his parents staying (no issue), but they are bringing their friends with them to stay as well, and they are a homosexual couple (female).

I was not consulted about this, although my husband was (he doesn't see any issue with other people's life decisions, although he agrees it's not natural). I feel sort of powerless to do anything, and I wonder if there's any real reason to do anything. My greatest concern is that I won't be around to hear what they tell my kids. Hubby's parents don't see the problem with homosexuality at all, and firmly believe people are born that way, and his mum has a tendency to talk unrestrainedly, especially when she's been drinking. They are not totally irresponsible, however, so maybe I'm overreacting. I've met the couple in question twice, and they are nice, but I don't know them very well.

If I say anything, I risk causing major trouble - every time I stand up for my beliefs to the in-laws, the repercussions are large. I usually just keep my mouth shut.

Should I pre-warn the kids? Talk to his parents about acceptable subject matter? What should the sleeping arrangements be? Maybe I should stick my head under a pillow and hope it goes away.


#2

Best wishes on receiving the advice you need from your fellow adherents, but here’s what caught my eye:

“18 months to 8 years”

Sex and sexuality have two chances of arising in conversation during their visit: slim and none. Relax, mom, and save your worrying for when it’s needed. Have a great trip!

As ever, Jesse


#3

Unless these homosexuals are of an extreme deviant behavior and have little control over themselves especially in front of others and have little regard for children, I'd be more concerned with a grandparent that thinks nothing of drinking to the point that she speaks without thinking and possibly acts that way too.

"Should I pre-warn the kids? The oldest is 8 yrs. Pre-warn them about what--how? Tell them the people in the house are going against God and are "sex fiends"? Come on.

Talk to his parents about acceptable subject matter? Only if you really want to cause a problem in the family. If you feel that you have to control conversations in your home then stay home and don't go to the wedding.

What should the sleeping arrangements be? Seriously, I think you already know what the sleeping arrangements will be. I'm sure everyone will be going to bed after the children anyway. Are these homosexuals straight off of Bourbon Street or are they just people that live differently than you but would be good to your children at least for a day or two?

"Maybe I should stick my head under a pillow and hope it goes away."
I understand your concern (to a point) but honestly, these questions are a bit odd. If you don't want someone in your home then come out and say it since you feel that strongly about it to the point that you should control conversations and sleep where you want them to. Do you think that they will be talking about sex in front of the kids? Then don't have them in your home, homosexual ot straight. Keeping your mouth shut is fine once in awhile but do you do this throughout your whole marriage?


#4

It's not that I think they'll tell my kids about sex in any form. I don't think that badly of my parents in law. My worry is more about the kids being told that a female/female relationship is the same as a male/female relationship. The worry is mostly because I won't be there to hear what is said (if anything).

My MIL has tried on numerous occasions to engage me in debate about sexual orientation, and I've ignored her attempts each time because she is most often inebriated when the subject comes up, but she tries very hard to get everyone to agree that people are born that way. She does have a drinking problem, which she will deny vehemently. Usually when the kids are around, she will wait until dinner before starting to drink, but when her friends are around, she starts earlier. Father in law drinks, but not to the same degree.

My six year old is very inquisitive and will ask question after question of anyone. If he asks these friends whether they have a husband (which he does to many people), or if they have any kids, it can lead to an explanation of their relationship, leading further to, well, who knows what else?

My parents have told me that if I have visitors to my house who are not married, they should be given separate sleeping arrangements, or I could be condoning a potential sin, and thereby sinning myself. If I gave this couple a bedroom together with one bed, even assuming that nothing would happen, is it wrong?

To clarify a little further, I do not hate gays, I am not afraid to associate with someone of a different orientation to me. I do however believe it is against God's will, and I will explain all these things to my children when and how I deem it appropriate.

Thinking about this in light of the responses, I do think that it's more likely that nothing will be said, and that all involved will have the decency to avoid the subject.


#5

See, I come from a family where everyone slept WHEREVER when people stayed overnight. I slept in the same bed as my aunt, and my brothers slept in the same bed with my uncle. We didn't see that troublesome at all. So even if the two women were in the same beds, they are BOTH female. The young children don't need to be privy to the nature of their relationship.

I would tell hubby's parents that you are not yet ready for the discussion of homosexaulity with your children and that you would appreciate them refering to you if the children ask any questions. To your children, the women are just "grandma and grandpa's friends"

My only concern is the "mother has a tendency to talk unrestrained, especally when drinking" THAT is my big concern. There will be 3 other adults, but WHY would your MIL get so tipsy while caring for FIVE young children that she's spout off anything? To me that is the gravest concern.

As far as the couple...I think that you should address the "stranger" issue. These people don't know, and don't have any relationship with your children. I'd be concerned if someone said they were bringing friends along to babysit, weither or not that someone was a 13yo sitter or my own parents.


#6

Well,I admit that I would not mind it,my home is blessed by a priest,but that does not mean that it would be “un-holy” if people with different views of life are staying here. I guess you must tell them to not show to much love in front of your kids,but thats it. We are not to judge others,many things may make us angry,but we can’t do much about it. I “hate” when someone drives to close to me,but I can’t do much. I think there are bigger problems in the world then a couple lesbians,having said that I must say this,if it really bothers you and make you feel like your home is “dirty” you have all the right in the world to say no. And if you feel bad you can,and have all the right in the world to say so,it is your home as well. Bless you.


#7

[quote="admonsta, post:4, topic:231798"]
She does have a** drinking problem**, which she will deny vehemently. Usually when the kids are around, she will wait until dinner before starting to drink, but when her friends are around, she starts earlier. Father in law drinks, but not to the same degree.

[/quote]

That is of a far, far larger concern than the nature of whatever friends she is bringing with her. You are putting a woman with a drinking problem in charge of your children ages 18 mos to 8 years. Children who are RELYING on them for safety. What if one of the kids got sick or hurt and required a trip to the ER (accidents happen) - would anyone be in an OK condition to drive? Would she be in any condition to make proper decisions. Toddlers can be a handful - will she be in any shape to deal with toddlers? What will your 8 year old say when he sees grandma drunk? Don't worry about the homosexual friends - worry about the alcohol and grandma.


#8

the sexual orientation of the unknown (to you) couple is not as big a problem as your FIL presuming to bring adults you don’t know to your home to stay overnight. You may simply have to thank him but change your plans, you cannot have strangers staying in your house with your children when you are not home.


#9

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I will pray for you.

Your biggest problem here as I can observe is not with your in-laws it is within your marriage. You and your husband are not on the "same page" when it comes to morality and raising your children. This problem will come up repeatedly as your children get older. He has made this decision without you this is not a good sign. Pray for him and pray for your marriage this is not something that will likely be solved overnight.

I beleive you have to stay home from this wedding because of this situation and there are many reasons why: I would not have two adults that I have met only twice staying in my home and sleeping over with my children...period.

I find it suspicious that your in-laws have cornered you on homosexuality and morality...now when they are babysitting they have taken this opportunity to invite a homosexual couple. I don't know them but it seems deliberate to me. Your inlaws seem to beleive it is okay to undermine your parenting and this cannot be tolerated.

You said that usually you keep your mouth shut when it comes to your inlaws because the reprocussions are huge. ** You cannot do this when it comes to your children.** You cannot sacrafice the moral and physical well-being of your children because you are afraid your in-laws will yell at you...can you see how awful that sounds? The reprocussions will be even bigger for you if you neglect the children that God has trusted you with. I am not saying this to be uncharitable but this is true for all parents. We will all have to stand before God and be accountable for how we raised HIS children.

For now it may be easier for you to say you just can't go to the wedding because you will miss your children too much or some other true reason and try and leave it at that. Pray, pray and pray some more for God to help you. You cannot put your head in the sand when it comes to your children, they are your responsibility.

Jesus loves you so much, go to him.


#10

I agree with this, and add the alcohol problem onto that, and to me, it’s a recipe for disaster. Do not do this. Do not allow this to happen in your home.


#11

[quote="Monicad, post:9, topic:231798"]
Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I will pray for you.

Your biggest problem here as I can observe is not with your in-laws it is within your marriage. You and your husband are not on the "same page" when it comes to morality and raising your children. This problem will come up repeatedly as your children get older. He has made this decision without you this is not a good sign. Pray for him and pray for your marriage this is not something that will likely be solved overnight.

I beleive you have to stay home from this wedding because of this situation and there are many reasons why: I would not have two adults that I have met only twice staying in my home and sleeping over with my children...period.

*I find it suspicious that your in-laws have cornered you on homosexuality and morality...now when they are babysitting they have taken this opportunity to invite a homosexual couple. I don't know them but it seems deliberate to me. Your inlaws seem to beleive it is okay to undermine your parenting and this cannot be tolerated. *

You said that usually you keep your mouth shut when it comes to your inlaws because the reprocussions are huge. ** You cannot do this when it comes to your children.** You cannot sacrafice the moral and physical well-being of your children because you are afraid your in-laws will yell at you...can you see how awful that sounds? The reprocussions will be even bigger for you if you neglect the children that God has trusted you with. I am not saying this to be uncharitable but this is true for all parents. We will all have to stand before God and be accountable for how we raised HIS children.

For now it may be easier for you to say you just can't go to the wedding because you will miss your children too much or some other true reason and try and leave it at that. Pray, pray and pray some more for God to help you. You cannot put your head in the sand when it comes to your children, they are your responsibility.

Jesus loves you so much, go to him.

[/quote]

I concur - and this will not be the last time they will undermine you. They can do tremendous damage to your relationship with your older children. The kids have no idea that it is even happening, but your FIL and MIL will be quietly taking the stones out from under your house as they talk about things. Something as offhand as, "Well, you know, not everyone thinks like your parents do," can have huge repercussions down the road. When your teenager rebels, refuses to go to church, picks up a boyfriend and tells you, "Well Grandma agrees with me that you are old-fashioned and your morals are out of the Victorian age," try undoing that.

Subversive doesn't begin to describe it. A betrayal that goes into the next generation is beyond subversive. It is destructive.


#12

I agree with other posters that you need to stand up to your in-laws.

However, I DO think the sexual orientaton of these 2 women IS a concern. What they do under their roof is their business. You are to respect them and love them as children of God. However, giving them the same bed (when you know they are in a relationship) is allowing them to sin in your home which you will be held accountable for.

If you can not find some other child care arrangements, unfortunately, you will either have to bring the kids to the wedding (if they are invited), or stay home

I realize this is a big sacrice. But Jesus never said it would be easy

CM


#13

Agree. Either make a huge scramble now for other care for your
children on Day Two or skip the wedding. No doubt in my mind
that your in-laws are playing fast and loose with your wishes.

If your husband can’t see that, maybe he should try harder!


#14

I would not consider meeting someone twice knowing them well enough to let them stay in my house while I am not there. Even if there were no children.

You need to have a talk with your husband pronto about why he thinks this is ok. Just because he trusts his parents does in no way mean he should automatically trust any of their friends, especially with young children involved. I would have him talk to his parents and tell them he's changed his mind about their friends tagging along. If he won't agree to do this, you need to skip the wedding and stay home yourself. If you choose this route, and the rsvp date for the wedding has already past, let the couple know asap and include a bit more cash in the card to cover the meal they've paid for.

Good luck and I hope you can work this out!


#15

[quote="insideitall, post:14, topic:231798"]
I would not consider meeting someone twice knowing them well enough to let them stay in my house while I am not there. Even if there were no children.

You need to have a talk with your husband pronto about why he thinks this is ok. Just because he trusts his parents does in no way mean he should automatically trust any of their friends, especially with young children involved. I would have him talk to his parents and tell them he's changed his mind about their friends tagging along. If he won't agree to do this, you need to skip the wedding and stay home yourself. If you choose this route, and the rsvp date for the wedding has already past, let the couple know asap and include a bit more cash in the card to cover the meal they've paid for.

Good luck and I hope you can work this out!

[/quote]

It's not just the friends, the MIL drinks too much AND she has talked about the issue of homosexuality directly with the DIL and has been in opposition, which means it is very likely she invited this couple into her son's home with full intent to undermine the values of the family. A larger issue than just the extra guests...very very destructive of the MIL and yes, the junk needs to hit the fan on this one or it will continue.

I've been there, done that, and if I could do it over, I'd tell the family member to stay away from my son. That he's not welcome except if we are present. No solitary meetings. Ever.


#16

Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable with having two people I barely know staying at my home when I'm not around. It wouldn't matter if they were male, female, gay, straight, romantically involved or not. Just the fact that I barely know them would not be ok with me, even if there weren't children in the picture. I wouldn't take the word of a family member on it, either. Just because mom trusts this person doesn't mean I have to. Does your husband really think it's ok to have strangers staying the night when you've got small children in the home?

As Monicad and others have pointed out, the whole situation is suspicious. It's just one more reason why I wouldn't allow the situation to go on. You have to stand up to your inlaws. You are the parent, and you are responsible for the care of your children. It's difficult at times, but the fact is you are the parent and your desires are the ones that should be met when it comes to the way your children are taken care of. If you're not confident that things will be done "your way" in your absence, there is no reason for you to leave your children in that person's care.

If it were me, I'd have nothing to do with it. I would tell (not ask) the inlaws that I did not want these friends over when I wasn't around. If the inlaws wouldn't agree to that, (or I knew they wouldn't hold up that agreement) I'd change plans. Either find someone else to watch the kids or come home myself. The kids have to be the number one priority--their safety is everything. I'm not saying that these people would do something bad, I'm just saying that you don't know them and nothing is worth the risk.


#17

I fully agree with what others have said about not allowing strangers in your home and MIL’s drinking problem. There is no way I would leave my child in the care of someone who drinks to drunkeness. It also sounds like this is being planned as a slap in your face since MIL thinks she has you in a corner.

I would also add this thought. If you would not allow the lesbian couple to sleep under your roof while you were there then don’t allow it just because it would mean giving up a trip to the wedding. That is putting plans for fun and socializing ahead of what is best for your children. I doubt if you would enjoy the wedding much anyway since you will be worrying and maybe feeling guilty.

Show your MIL your morals are stronger than she gives you credit for and don’t let her back you into that corner she thinks she has you in.


#18

Oh, and be prepared for your MIL to talk nasty about you for this for a long time. If she is like my family member, she will milk this “insult” forever - “She doesn’t trust me,” “She thinks I drink too much,” etc. and make many references to your being an overprotective parent. Ignore all of it. Your husband should stand up for you but not sure yours is up for a fight with his mommy.


#19

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