People think my friend and I are gay?


My best friend is a girl who wears guy’s clothes, has a deep voice, sometimes likes to play the boyfriend role of taking care of people, and likes masculine things (if you go into her room you would think a male lives there), but has long hair and isn’t confused about her identity as female. This is just her preference. When I first met her, I didn’t know if I should be friends with someone who is ‘gay.’ She dated two girls our freshman year of college, more like they dated her because she wasn’t much interested. Since then, she hasn’t dated anyone and told me she doesn’t want to because she doesn’t want to go to hell (lol). We are both good Catholics, in fact, she is the one who usually drags me to Mass when I don’t want to go and are studying theology at our university. We have definitely made each other better people (less critical, more loving, stronger Catholics). She is the first virtuous friend I’ve had and can trust her with anything.

She is a great support in my life and I don’t know what I would’ve done without her throughout these four years at university. While I do talk to other people in class and have acquaintances, she is my favorite person to hang out with and miss her majorly when I’m gone. When we first met, I enjoyed being around her so much, I was worried I was gay because I’ve never actually connected this much with a friend and felt comfortable around them (I have major social anxiety). Then, I realized I am too attracted to guys (lol) and am completely turned off by the thought of anything happening between the two of us, so it’s just HOCD I’ve had to work through.

The problem is, I hate people thinking we’re ‘together’. I’m sure almost everyone assumes this and I don’t blame them (because we totally look like a couple). I don’t know if I’m just imagining it or being paranoid because my mom told me I shouldn’t be friends with her because people with think I’m gay… My theology professor called us ‘bosom buddies’ (I don’t know if he wasn’t trying to assume anything because I’m a theology major and Catholic, or if he wasn’t sure and didn’t want to put his foot in his mouth) and people are always saying they’re jealous because we have such a great relationship. I’m definitely straight and always looking for a boyfriend (even though I’m not ready for a relationship)…working on that emotional chastity thing…

We are going to formal dance with our friends, who everyone probably thinks we’re a couple, and she wants me to go suit shopping with her, which I’m just not comfortable with. I know I shouldn’t care what people think, especially because it isn’t true and she’s such a great friend, but it’s so hard. I talked to my therapist about it, and she said that if this is true, then it shouldn’t matter. I looked around me and realized that no one treats me differently and no one would, even if it was true. We are planning on getting an apartment together after graduation because we are both getting jobs in the area and need roommates, but I’m worried what people will think. I may be getting a job with my church and don’t know what they would think about this. Does it even matter or am I caring too much what people think of me? She is a great friend, and I would be devastated to lose that. Should I just get over what everyone thinks and just enjoy our virtuous friendship, or should I be worried about this?


Don’t concern yourself with others opinions. Your church shouldn’t mind either. Your friendship is more important than the way others look at you.




You are asking if you should just get over what other people think. But you don’t know what other people think. You have effectively created a scenario in your own head to get over. So what you need to get over is what YOU think.


Well, there is one person who’s opinion on all this is very important - your friend.

Regardless of what others think, and regardless of your own sexual orientation, you need to be mindful that a close friendship with a girl who has gay tendencies may cause her some issues. And friendship is one thing, but living together *may not *be in her best interests. Just something to think about.

But no, you needn’t worry about others making false and unwarranted assumptions.


This is something we keep in mind. We currently live in the same dorm down the hall from each other, so we basically already live together. But, we keep an open communication if there is anything either of us is uncomfortable with.


Sounds good. Just be mindful that she could develop strong romantic feelings towards you without necessarily a) realising it is happening, and b) being open with you about it. But it sounds like you are doing what you can to manage these issues.


Your friend sounds like a good friend to have. Don’t worry about others opinions.


:o You have my sympathies. I’m always wondering how people will react to the way I act or think or talk.

But, at the end of the day, you just gotta follow the Lord where He leads you. If you obey the Church and Christ, you have nothing to be afraid of. If anyone asks, you have nothing to hide. If they don’t believe you, that’s not your problem. It’s theirs.


She wants to shop for a suit? Why? Is she herself have gay tendecies? If so I appreciate her remaining chaste which is a cross but needed in her faith walk. You are a friend and a good one…but, be careful. Have an honest talk with her so she never misled because she might be… Never know. I care for both of you. My love and prayers. In all this STAY CLOSE to the Sacraments- especially confession. Draw near to our Lord in prayer and Adoration and He WILL guide you both. His love is EVERLASTSiNG!


In the long run, people will see that you are not a ‘couple’. But your friend may have more of an inclination to think you could be a couple. I worry that you are giving too much room to this friendship. Yes, it’s nice to have a friend with whom you have a lot in common. Just don’t get too attached because friendships end and sometimes it is difficult to accept that this friend is no longer in your life. So be a friend, but keep the boundaries clear - the red line you do not cross.


I don’t know if I could have handled things as well as you have. It sounds like you have found a good friend.

It sounds like your friend is trying to live a chaste life and has found someone who can help her, you. You say she has helped you attend Mass even when you didn’t feel like going.

From what you have said I can’t tell if she herself identifies as SSA. You state she wants to shop for a suit. Is she shopping in the men’s department or is she shopping in the women’s dept., some people are more comfortable in less frilly clothing.

We all make judgements without true facts. If people are misjudging you I think you should ignore it just as you have done.

If she were to engage in SSA behavior, that is when you would have to not directly support the behavior. The love of friendship you have shown is fine. Ask God for his help if you need to.


Don’t worry TOO much about it though. As a woman with SSA, too many people worrying too much about who we might end up with romantic feelings for ends up in a very lonely life. (Basically, it ends up being, don’t get too close to women because you might develop romantic feelings - but don’t get too close to men because they might develop romantic feelings.)


You sound like bosom friends indeed. If people think you are a lesbian couple, so what? People believe what they want to believe. If you get a job with your church and they think your relationship is queer simply explain to them that your relationship is not sexual and you have not intention of your relationship becoming sexual. Even if you snuggle on the couch watching Carol you haven’t done anything wrong except maybe lead her on. If you look around and see the saints there are probably more saints paired with someone of the same sex than married saints who aren’t martyrs. Rather unlike today historically the love of the friend was exalted above marriage.

Here is an example as you are a theology major

[quote=Liturgy of the Hours, January 2]Second reading
From a sermon by Saint Gregory Nazianzen, bishop
Two bodies, but a single spirit

Basil and I were both in Athens. We had come, like streams of a river, from the same source in our native land, had separated from each other in pursuit of learning, and were now united again as if by plan, for God so arranged it.

I was not alone at that time in my regard for my friend, the great Basil. I knew his irreproachable conduct, and the maturity and wisdom of his conversation. I sought to persuade others, to whom he was less well known, to have the same regard for him. Many fell immediately under his spell, for they had already heard of him by reputation and hearsay.

What was the outcome? Almost alone of those who had come to Athens to study he was exempted from the customary ceremonies of initiation for he was held in higher honor than his status as a first-year student seemed to warrant.

Such was the prelude to our friendship, the kindling of that flame that was to bind us together. In this way we began to feel affection for each other. When, in the course of time, we acknowledged our friendship and recognized that our ambition was a life of true wisdom, we became everything to each other: we shared the same lodging, the same table, the same desires, the same goal. Our love for each other grew daily warmer and deeper.

The same hope inspired us: the pursuit of learning. This is an ambition especially subject to envy. Yet between us there was no envy. On the contrary, we made capital out of our rivalry. Our rivalry consisted, not in seeking the first place for oneself but in yielding it to the other, for we each looked on the other’s success as his own.

We seemed to be two bodies with a single spirit. Though we cannot believe those who claim that “everything is contained in everything,” yet you must believe that in our case each of us was in the other and with the other.

Our single object and ambition was virtue, and a life of hope in the blessings that are to come; we wanted to withdraw from this world before we departed from it. With this end in view we ordered our lives and all our actions. We followed the guidance of God’s law and spurred each other on to virtue. If it is not too boastful to say, we found in each other a standard and rule for discerning right from wrong.

Different men have different names, which they owe to their parents or to themselves, that is, to their own pursuits and achievements. But our great pursuit, the great name we wanted, was to be Christians, to be called Christians.

I think your relationship is greatly beneficial to your friend. People don’t need sex, what they do need is intimacy, people yearn for connection and it doesn’t have to be sexual intimacy to satisfy; if the need for intimacy is met, the desire for sex is far easier to manage. If a person’s need for intimacy are not met then they become more likely to slip up and engage in casual sex to try to feel the great hunger for intimacy. Furthermore when one has such a 12 step approach, especially if one experiences Catholic guilt, it also makes it quite easy to go from a single screw up to the gay sex equivalent of a bender.

If you do not feel comfortable suit shopping tell her; one of the values of having a bosom friend is the ability to speak candidly.


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