I wasn’t sure if this belongs in the Family Life forum or here, but since this is a question of morality, I put it here.
So after years of contracepting, my husband and I decided to use NFP. We’ve been doing it for about three months now. I love it, but my husband absolutely hates the periodic abstinence. Every month during phase 2, we get into huge arguments about how to express love to each other without sex. He wants to do oral sex occasionally during abstinence times. I’ve told him about the immorality of that, but he still insists on it. He says he doesn’t want to do it all the time, but that during months where we can’t be together during our “free time” because of illnesses or whatever, he needs something to help him through the abstinence times.
He’s struggled with pornography and masturbation for years, and he’s still trying to break his habits/addictions to those things. He says that once that little switch in his brain turns on, he masturbates or it makes him crazy. He comes home from work and sits on the computer all night, playing solitaire until bedtime. When he gets like that, he doesn’t even come eat dinner with the rest of the family. His temper gets short, and he snaps at me and the kids. etc. Personally, I think all that behavior (not the masturbation itself) is just a form of “adult temper tantrum.” It’s like he can’t get what he wants, so I feel like he’s punishing me for not going along with him.
Last night, he told me that he’d rather do something with me, but that if I don’t do things like the oral sex with him, he will end up going off and watching porn or masturbating. He feels that I’m just abandoning him by refusing to engage in oral sex during our abstinence periods, and he feels like it would be less immoral for us to do something together than for him to go off on his own. He feels like there should be some give and take in the marriage, and that I should be willing to do something that he likes, since he can’t reach the “ideal” yet. I feel like he’s asking me to do something that I truly feel is immoral, and that he’s giving me a type of ultimatum–do something I feel is immoral with him, or he’ll just go watch pornography or masturbate. I feel like giving a bit and meeting in the middle is great when it comes to differing preferences, but that it’s different when one choice is moral and the other isn’t.
He told me that since it’s an addiction he’s breaking, he can’t really be expected to be perfect in this right away. I understand that he’s going to make mistakes, but am I just being selfish by telling him not to pull me into it with him? I’m really confused about how to deal with this situation. I want to help him, but I really don’t know how. We’re on different places in our spiritual journey. Would it be acceptable for me to do something with him rather than refusing and leaving him to “take care of it himself”?