I wanted to post this and ask that you remember me and my “wife” in your prayers. Some of you may remember aways back when my wife and I separated and this last November, the divorce she had filed for was granted. After almost 3 years apart, many many prayers, and the divorce being granted (are they ever denied?) I petitioned the tribuneral for a declaration of nullity. I did this after coming to the conclusion that I didn’t know what God wanted for me. I continue to love my wife and I always will. The fact is, if she ever wanted to come back I know that I would forgive her and be open to working to repair the marriage. However, after almost 3 years, little had changed. I finished raising the children and the last one graduated high school this spring. So, I kind of made a deal with God… In that deal, I said that I would file the petition with the Church and would abide by whatever the Church decided. If the Church decided against the annulment, I would continue to hold out hope that someday there would be reconciliation with my wife and until then I would simply be patient, chaste, and continue to be supportive when she came to me with life’s problems. If the declaration of nullity were granted, I would finish paying off the last credit card, wait until the last child finished university (4 years from now) and then join a religious order as a monk in a cloistered setting. I truly feel that if I am not allowed to be a husband, I wish to spend the rest of my life serving God as a monk.
Well, the answer came yesterday, Saturday, July 12th. The declaration of nullity was denied. So, for those who have expressed a curiosity as to whether or not the Church always approves these petitions, I speak from experience when I say they do not. The decision has me torn. The fact is, when I first filed I knew that regardless of the decision, I wasn’t going to be completely happy. The deacon assigned by my diocese to help me with the annulment process had made the statement that many people find the process helps them heal. In my case, I still do not understand this concept. Perhaps that is because I continue to be in love with the woman that I married and at the same time realize that had the Church granted the petition there would have never been a marriage to begin with. If the Church denied my petition, as they have done, I feel that I am only half a person. My wife remains “independent” and “free” while I must remain patient and alone. Where is the healing in any of that?! Still a part of me is happy to be married in God’s eyes if not society’s, and a part of me is sad that I will be unable to join a religious order, shut myself away from this society and concentrate fully on God and His mercy. I have found my cross.
I apologize for the rather long post, and thank you for suffering through it. God bless all of you.