Petty Parent-Child Issue


#1

Sometimes it annoys me how my father asks to borrow money and usually he “forgets” to pay it and rarely pays it back in full. I think he does it because he doesn’t believe he has to or it doesn’t matter to him. Honestly, if I were to borrow money, he would be annoyed by my irresponsibility and expect me to pay him back promptly. I would be lectured on how I should always carry cash on me. Trust me he wouldn’t forget I owed him five dollars. For him, what is ours (his children’s) is meant to be shared, but what is his is his. Most of us don’t have full-time jobs like so paying him money or him borrowing money from us (my siblings & I) impacts a lot. If I had a full time job that would mean nothing that he asks to borrow money. He even asks my younger brother for money who doesn’t work. He’s in high school. That’s either Christmas or birthday money. It’s usually a twenty or five or a dollar. At most he’s borrowed thirty. He rarely carries cash on him. He hounds me to carry cash on me all the time. He expects me to share the money as a family. I feel like it is rude to me ask for my money back or say no if I honestly have money. He has been doing this since we were kids and started with allowances. Mind you, I never received an allowance from him. He didn’t believe in that. It was the little money we earned from our mother.


#2

Are you an adult?

I actually do prefer to carry cash, but if I thought it wasn’t safe at home I would stop, and breezily explain that I hadn’t had time to stop at the bank recently.

It’s possible that your dad is just incredibly absent minded, but it also occurs to me that this is addict behavior. :frowning:


#3

Just say no.


#4

I had this problem in reverse. Children borrowing money from me, the parent. Children not paying the money back.

I decided I would only part with as much money as I was willing to outright give to the requester. Sometimes the answer was no, I will not give any money. Sometimes the answer was yes, you can have it outright. I only give as much as I am willing to part with forever, and now there is no worry about trying to get money back. Works for me, and they are not complaining, either.

Of course, I have extra money I can give. If a person can’t afford to give away money, then the answer is no, you can’t “borrow” it. Owing and expecting repayment puts a strain on a relationship.


#5

Children and parents with this problem: Keep as little money on you as possible! As soon as you can, get an account of your own. And, hide the ATM card, and don’t give the number out. People have no right to your money that you earn, or is given to you. If you do decide to make a loan, make one of the prerequisites that you go inside the bank…alone! No ‘borrowing’ cards, no looking over your shoulder…nothing!
Of course, I’m speaking of loans for unnecessary things! Of course, you help family that is truly in need. but don’t allow bank or credit card numbers be copied…by anyone!


#6

Never loan money to a family member or friend. Give it as a gift.


#7

That’s a good idea, and I try to follow it. But, sometimes money is truly tight. for both sides!


#8

Are you an adult living in your parents’ home? Do you pay rent? Is there a particular reason why you don’t have a full time job?


#9

I live with my parents. I don’t pay rent. I haven’t been able to find a full-time job after college. I’m applying to reach my credential. I don’t have a problem with the borrowing of money, it is the convenient forgetfulness to pay it back. Most of my money goes into providing the necessities for myself my parents shouldn’t be providing for me as an adult. It is also the annoyance that I borrowed as a little as five dollars I’d be lectured and expected to pay it back promptly. My father keeps tabs on whom he allows to borrow money, but it is perfectly fine for him to borrow money and never pay it back. C’mon my little brother is in his high school. The little money he has is probably birthday or Christmas money. Borrowing twenty bucks from him doesn’t seem right. He doesn’t work.


#10

Even as a kid, he refused to give us an allowance growing up or any mom. My mom provided us with an allowance and he’d borrow money from us but never pay it back. If I borrowed as little as a dollar, he’d expect it back promptly and remind us.


#11

While I don’t think your father should be “borrowing” money if he doesn’t intend to pay you back (and should just ask for some kind of rent payment instead), this is not something I would make a big deal about considering that you are living there rent-free. If you have a space to sleep, use their electricity, water, and internet, and eat their food, giving your father a few dollars here and there seems like a pretty good deal. Did they pay for your college education too?

Adults pay their way. It is generous of your family to let you live there, so don’t nitpick over a few dollars unless you’d rather find a place on your own.


#12

No, they didn’t pay for college I used financial aid. I’m more annoyed he does this to my younger brother. I’m not even that annoyed by the borrowing of me. If I forgot to pay him back, he’d be livid. I don’t understand that double-standard. I mentioned it was petty but still irritating. As for moving out, I lived on my own during college but due to financial circumstances I’m back with my family. If my father charged me for rent, I’d be broke each month I wouldn’t be able to afford clothes, feminine necessities, etc. I live in a California. The cost of living is incredibly high. I still make contribute to car payments.


#13

I contribute to groceries. If I was charged rent, I’d never to be able to move out. I guess I should overlook it honestly. He still shouldn’t have asked me for a money as a kid or asking my little brother for money. We couldn’t work


#14

I actually think this is incredibly disrespectful, especially if it is done with frequency and if he makes no attempt to pay back his children whatsoever. Of course everyone is absentminded, but you have drawn a picture of a man that seems like he has no intention of paying his children back and doesn’t care. As if his children’s money belongs to him.

Let go of what your father does to your brother. Your brother will have to pave his own path. For yourself, might I suggest that you give your dad, perhaps $10-20 at the beginning of each week? Just say “This is in case you need anything, thanks for letting me stay here.” Leave it at that, period.

When your dad asks for money tell him you have none available. You may be saving some for an outing, to buy a car, whatever. Your conscience will be clear and you won’t build up anger as you won’t be waiting to get paid back. Prayers for you.


#15

Parents also should set an example for their children. If he’s that hard up, he should charge his grown children rent…or an amount that partly covers the cost of their living there. If they want their kids to move out, the rent should not be as high as it would be for an outsider…they do want their kids to move out eventually, I’m sure.
As to underage kids, they are obliged to support them. Any money they take from them, except in unusual emergencies, should be held in a bank account, until the child is old enough to know how to handle it…or, until such child becomes a legal adult. They should not expect to share in ‘birthday or Christmas-sized’ gifts. When I said they could hold it until the child could handle it, I was speaking about unusually large-sized gifts, which most people would expect to see put in trust!

It sounds as if this father doesn’t even try to justify asking for loans of money, so, I wouldn’t trust him to handle finances for his kids. If there is some kind of emergency, a parent should be honest about what he needs it for, and when, if ever, he’ll be paying it back!


#16

It’s fact if I asked for a five, he would be upset and lecture me and make sure I pay him back promptly. It’s a petty but irritating issue. I guess he believes as the sole provider of the house, anything within his house or between his family is ours. If I worked full-time, none of this will bother me. I know if I were to be charged rent, utility, etc I wouldn’t be able to buy my own clothes, feminine products, etc. I would never be able to move out honestly. I’d be stuck. I should be grateful for that. I don’t really like the double standard and never being paid back, especially if he’d remind me if I didn’t pay him back five dollars. I guess I shouldn’t worry about my younger brother even though that makes me angrier. At least I work.


#17

It’s just a bad habit I don’t like.


#18

Additionally for the longest time, my father was against me working in college. Now I’m magically supposed to come up with money to contribute to housing expenses. I shouldn’t have listened to him. I’d have more money to contribute and move out. He’s taking the very little money my siblings and I have. It’s not right honestly.


#19

You mentioned that you haven’t been able to find a full time job- what does it mean that you are “applying to reach your credential”? A full time job doesn’t need to be in your major area, and it probably won’t be unless you are in a very specialized field. I worked the same retail job I had during college after I graduated, until I found something better. No reason to be picky if you’re literally struggling to afford clothing and hygiene products.

If my son is still living at home after a college graduation, I will expect him to be working full time (as long as he is able) and to contribute financially. (If we can afford it, I will likely put the money away for him, but he won’t know that.) It seems like finding full time employment would help to solve your issue- you could either save and move out, or discuss with your father what might be a fair amount for rent.

I think your father is going about this in the wrong way, but perhaps he is annoyed if his adult children are living in his home rent free and don’t have full time jobs. I paid around $150 a month to my parents after college, which was a bargain, and that was around 15 years ago.


#20

Pitching in with the household expenses (electricity is not free, you use your share, same for water and internet etc.) is more important than buying clothes.


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