My dream was always to find a good catholic husband and have lots of children.
Reality, catholic men would not stay with me because of my mental illnesses, so I found a nice protestant man who stayed with me despite the mental illness. First time that ever happened so I decided to marry this man cause I didn’t want to let go of this once in a lifetime (so I thought) chance of being loved by a guy.
We married in the catholic church and received dispensation to do so. After 7+ years we have STILL not been able to have children.
So it is bad enough that my deepest longing and dream was totally shattered. But, it gets worse.
My husband has really got a bad temper at times and used to yell at me for everything, call me names, threaten me, tell me what to do or not to do. No physical violence (wouldn’t stick around for that). But, through the years it got better…a lot better. Things were going very well, in spite of the other bad things like different faiths and infertility and limited intimacy (both physical and emotional). As long as I went with the flow things were really going well. My husband even went to church with me most every week and to other catholic meetings and retreats and everything. So I stuck with him.
Long story short, it came back, just recently, and this time I stood up to him. Threatened to leave him, and told him my spiritual director said to call the police if I couldn’t get him to stop with the verbal abuse and yelling. So, he stopped. But now, I am being given the silent treatment. He lets me do whatever I want and no longer tells me what to do, but he doesn’t talk to me and said he wasn’t going to share his thoughts or feelings with me anymore. And sex for him is a “have to” once a week or so just to get me to quit nagging him. I feel so totally lonely, abandoned, neglected. I feel like I am all alone.
Husband refuses counseling, at least “while money is tight” (money is ALWAYS tight!) and wont go on a spiritual marriage retreat with me. He won’t talk to my spiritual director anymore or even his minister. He seems done with all that religious stuff and doesn’t come to church with me anymore.
My spiritual director says my marriage is sacramental and blessed by the church so, even if I have to separate from husband for a time to get away from this unpleasant situation, that I must not divorce or seek an annulment. He really thinks that God is going to turn this situation around for us. :rolleyes: I have my doubts. Big time!
Let’s just say God and I aren’t on the best of terms right now. I know “I made this bed and now I must sleep in it” but I really didn’t feel like I had a choice. No one else was willing to marry a mentally ill person like me. Now I’m stuck in this horrible situation and I am on the verge of just wanting to end my life rather than endure this anymore. I can’t provide for myself fully due to mental illnesses and I don’t have much family alive. In fact, my mom is dead and if I went back to my father, he’d treat me as bad or worse than my husband. He has done so before when I’m under his roof.
I feel so helpless, hopeless, lonely, abandoned. I have no one to go to that won’t treat me as bad or worse. What am I supposed to do? :crying: