Please help. jealousy and marriage


#1

sorry if this is long. me and my husband have been married for almost 2 years. i am 21 and he is 31. i must say that our marriage is full of emotional and verbal abuse from him and physical abuse from me when i get so fed up with the way he treats me and the way he makes me feel about myself ( like i’m so cheap ). we have been separated a lot in the past 2 years. he has always been jealous and very possesive and controlling even when we were dating but it has gotten worse since we have gotten married. i admit i was a flirt when we met but i was still young ( i just barely turned 19 ) and really had no intention of settling down yet. but i chose him and i did settle down. i ceased all contacts with old friends and family members he was insecure about. but he just can’t stop bringing up stuff that’s in the past and he is insecure about every guy even random guys that i dont know. he says i dont brag about him enough to people and all i do is tear him down. i must admit that i do vent a lot to my sister and some of my old friends about him because of how frustrated i get with the way he is. i feel like he forces me to think like him. and a lot of times i go against what i believe in ( like judging people for their mistakes ) to make him happy. i know i’m not growing spiritually when i’m with him because he’s just turned into such an evil person. i really don’t know what to do. i’m considering divorce because i really can’t take his jealousy and possesiveness anymore and i don’t want to be that same way. i’m becoming more insecure because he just shows me anger all the time and blames me for all the things wrong in our marriage. i am not secure in his love for me because he always just threatens to kick me out if i dont do what he wants. he makes it seem like it’s all my fault because i don’t tell other people how great he is and he says that makes him insecure because i always tell him how great other people are. i’ve been reading articles on jealousy and i’ve been trying to contact a therapist and we’re even talking about going to marriage counseling but he has no participation in trying to work out our marriage. he even complains if i make him read an article about jealousy and gets mad at me because he thinks i’m just fighting to have guy friends. please help. i am really considering divorce even though i don’t believe in it. i don’t want to be miserable for the rest of my life


#2

You dont’ say anything about children, or going to church and praying with this man. I suspect those aren’t issues because it’s all about him.

You don’t have a marriage. I would suggest you not hit him anymore, because one of these days he’s going to haul off and knock the stuffings out of you and use “self defense” as his excuse. Because he’s heading in that direction anyway. You’re just giving him an excuse.

I would call your local SafePlace or look it up online and read about the hallmarks of an abuser. I know when you were 19, his jealousy felt sweet and secure, and how cute… he cares. But jealousy is not about caring. It’s about someone not trusting you because he never took the time to get to know YOU and be able to truly predict what you will do next. It’s often about someone cheating on YOU and attributing their own behavior and motives to you.

I suggest you dust off all the family and friends you threw overboard to please him. He will not be pleased until you are alone and worshipping at his altar day and night. It’s not about making you happy… it’s all about you telling him how wonderful he is 24/7. There is very little to work with when it comes to a narcissist. (Look that one up too.)

But don’t try to leave him without having a plan, because that kind doesn’t often say goodbye willingly. (Unless he already has your replacement lined up.)

The problem is, they like a much younger, compliant woman they can control. But they don’t figure that you will grow up and mature and outgrow their controlling neediness. Because they didn’t marry you to be their equal. You are outgrowing him and this is not going to end happily ever after unless he grows up. And it doesn’t look good so far.

Good luck.


#3

Dear LQ,
First of all, I will be praying for you and your husband. That is #l and that is what I would advise you to do also. Secondly, I would contact a priest and get some advice from him. Marriage is a forever thing. I know it’s HARD! But if there is physical abuse, that’s not good. Sounds like there are a lot of issues that need to be put on the table. Therapy also sounds like a good one. But you need some prayer warriors out here praying for you and your dh. I’ll start now. You start praying the rosary, too, o.k.? Much love,


#4

LQBANES, please stop hitting your husband! I know he makes you want to hit him (believe me, I know how you want to sometimes!), but you really must not let yourself do that. Please get in touch with your priest as soon as possible and make an appointment to speak with him privately. Tell him everything you’ve told us here, everything, even if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. Were you and your husband married in a catholic church? Does he attend mass with you?

You do not have to be miserable the rest of your life, but it won’t necessarily mean divorce to accomplish that! Tell your husband how much you love him and how other men just could never compare to him for you, no matter what he thinks of himself. And tell him how it makes you feel to hear the emotional abuse from him. Don’t let him drag you into arguments, try always to maintain your calm. But be sure to go see your priest and get his advice immediately!

God bless you and your husband, I hope all the best for you both!


#5

I don’t have any advice but I’m also praying for you and your husband, lqbanes.


#6

Dear LQ,
Here is another Prayer Warrior who will be praying for you and your husband. I understand a lot of what you are saying for my marriage was some what like yours is now. My first 6 years of marriage was “living hell” at times. My husband had an anger problem and was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. At first I took it quietly and just cried a lot. My next response, maybe after the first year of marriage, was anger too. You get to a point that you feel that you can’t take it anymore and you explode also. My husband was not jealous of other men or friends, but of my time with my family, my parents or sisters. I never understood why for we lived in different states at the time and I only spoke with them once a week. One time they came to visit and he got upset for I spent the day with them when he was at work. It was crazy and I knew it was not normal behavior. I found out after we were married that he was abused of as a child verbally, emotionally and physically. He kept that from me before marriage. I remember him losing his temper in public also and I would be so embarrassed for he had no self control. I remember being blamed for everything that was wrong in our marriage or for anything that he could not find in the house. It was a terrible time and yes, I wanted a divorce many times. I got pregnant right away after we were married and so I tried for the baby’s sake. All I can say is that I do understand your fears, your frustration and all that, even the desire to give up and be happier.

My husband had our religion though. He also loved me so much that he did not want to lose me. He said he would do anything to change in order to stay married. I told him that he needed counseling for he was almost Bipolar to me. Thank God, he did go see a psychiatrist and it took several months before they got the right combo of medications and he was a changed man. Does he still get really angry and irrational? Yes, but not like before. He tries so hard to please me. I also did what you did and that was tear him down with my family for I needed to talk to someone about what was going on in my life. The problem with that is that they will form their opinions of him and want you to divorce him for they don’t want to see you unhappy or abused. You can’t blame them. I have to now always tell my family how much he has changed and they are seeing it for themselves as well. I too at one point got physical with him. I would get so angry at how he would treat me and we end up yelling and screaming and I would just hit him out of anger and frustration. He never hit me. I only did it twice and knew it was wrong and unhealthy. At that time, as he was getting his help with medications, I too had to go see someone for I was depressed too. I too was on antidepressants for several months and it helped. I also prayed a Novena to the Holy Spirit and asked for the gift of self control to be able to stay calm when hubby would not. It worked and it helped.


#7

continued:

Will things get better for you? I don’t know. I do know that what helped us is prayers and the Mass and my husband going to frequent confessions. He has had many priest tell him that he was “murdering” with his tongue to me. I hope that you and your husband can pray together, for I know it is so hard to do when you are resentful at the way he treats you. I know and you should know too that we are not without fault too in all this. I know with me, I should have handled his anger in a better way instead of also getting angry for that didn’t help either of us. We have several holes in our walls of our house that he did from punching it in anger. We have patched them up, but I do thank God our marriage is so much better now. We still have issues, but we have now been married for 9 years, 10 in August. Has it been easy? No way!!!

Will it get better for you? I don’t know. Your husband does sound, as someone said already, narcisistic. Be careful and read up on that. If you want to PM me, please do. I know how it feels like when you think you are losing your mind and how you feel that you can’t even tell anyone. Go talk to a priest and get some help for you for you can’t change your husband. He is the only one who can. I did not have to praise my husband as yours requires, but that is where they differ and in some other areas too. My husband was diagnosed with control impulsive disorder. If you husband does not seek help, you do so. The best time I spent on was with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I would go into any Catholic Church and speak to Him and if I could not go, I would go to my room and pray. Do it for your sanity and spiritually? I even had a priest tell me in the confessional to divorce my husband for he was bringing me down on the road to hell with him. I talked with another priest and he helped me and that was three years ago. I am so glad I did not listen to the priest who told me to divorce hubby for things did get better. The Lord used me to help my husband have the chance to gain Heaven. He was a mean spirited and arrogant person and he is not that today. All you can do is what I did, set an example and pray, pray, pray for your husband. In marriage we are suppose to help the other spouse become holier or holy and help each other gain Heaven.


#8

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