Please help me...I am living in regret


#1

After the very difficult birth of my youngest child, I had a tubal ligation. I was not Catholic at the time and had no understanding of what I was doing. Now I can hardly live with my self, knowing of all the children I could have had. I am so sad. Are there any others like me who made this horrible choice? I need your prayers.


#2

If you’ve gone to confession (which I’m assuming you have since becoming Catholic), Christ has forgiven you!
You need to forgive yourself… you cannot change the past… your sins are forgiven… it’s time to live anew! Rejoice in your family… they’re a gift!
Don’t dwell on your regret… it may lead to hurtful feelings for your living children (as if you weren’t satisfied with what God gave you)…

Forgive yourself! God doesn’t want us to be slaves to our sins.


#3

Consider consecrating your womb to the Blessed Mother for the end of abortion. Your grief for your empty womb can be a way to save babies.

Every time you are overcome with remorse and grief, pray for the end to abortion. In this way, you will save many babies.

Also, consider asking God to send women to you that are considering sterilization. It may be your mission to witness to them.

God can redeem this sin to save souls if you are willing to be His instrument.

God bless you.


#4

Agreed! Put your grief to WORK for others…
GREAT ideas!


#5

Same boat, same tune. I volunteer for the local catholics for life and with the local catholic community service nonprofit.


#6

em in fl said it all.

Forgive yourself as you are forgiven. Put your faith in good works and God’s plan and hand will calm your fears. Amen.


#7

Yes, I know exactly how you feel only it was my dh who got the vas after our third was born. We weren’t practicing Catholics at the time for some of the stereotypical reasons, no Church was going to tell us what to do blah, blah, blah.

After we had our reversion, we adopted two boys, who have been amazing blessings in our lives. Then, 9yrs after the fact, my dh got a reversal and we are expecting our first reversal baby this Fall.

If you’ve gone to Confession, it is forgiven and you should not beat yourself up. But, maybe with your strong feelings, God is calling you to something else. Maybe adoption, or a reversal? I wondered myself why my feelings were so strong and I couldn’t just let it go. Then, my dh had to get to the same place, which I had to accept might never happen. It was a long road, but we have been so blessed.

If reversal is remotely an option, let me know via pm. There is yahoogroup list for Catholics who desire a reversal and a Christian group as well.


#8

I agree with Leonie and everyone else here too. God did allow this to happen in your life for a reason. Help others. Become a voice of Truth. Offer up your suffering. Unify it with Christ’s Passion.

I used to be a fornicator, and a contracepting one at that! God allowed that in my life and now I have repented. He uses my BIG MOUTH to spread Truth.

You made a mistake, albeit a pretty big one. But so did I! You are forgiven. Forgive yourself!


#9

Here is some info on reversal, if you’re interested. Reversal is not necessary to be forgiven, but you may want to check it out. I’ll pray for you.


#10

I had a tubal after my twins (had 1 other and a small apartment) I had been told by our deacon at marriage to not use the pill but other methods were okay, “the pope isn’t raisng your children”. At the time, being 24 and “all knowing”, it seemed to make sense to me. So at that time, it didn’t occur to me to be a major sin. Years later, after coming home and realzing how stale I had become, I went to confession and had a lot of grace come upon me. That month I went to our consignment shop and took the money I earned and bought baby clothes and later diapers, etc. for Birthright and decided to keep giving when I can. Reversal wouldn’t be an option and at 46, I am “done”.
Prayer and good works can be a big help and not “beating yourself up about it” as the priest would say. Doing that, you diminish Jesus’s forgiveness and grace.


#11

Thank you for your loving answers. I can’t have the ligation reversed because so much of the fallopian tubes were cauterized. but at times I feel as though I can’t go on without more children. I try to pray for more children but I know I can’t have any more. For anyone who is even considering a tubal ligation, "DON’T DO IT. the regret lasts a lifetime.
I try to think of my four children and be glad that I do have them, but I can’t help missing the ones I should have had.


#12

DH had the “Big V” too after our third. We sort of went to Church then. Everyone in our family suggested that we just go and take care of things before we had another unplanned one. Now, five years later, we are reverted back to our faith, confessed etc.
Totally feel the ache you feel. It’s almost a physical pain isn’t it?? We could kick ourselves in the behind for cutting that part of ourselves off from each other. Every now and then we look at our third child (the unplanned one) and see how even those unexpected things are so full of laughter and beauty. We took the steering wheel of our lives and decided that we were in charge and said “no thanks, we’re full”. What a joke. I physically miss (like you said) those that we could have had. I also sometimes feel like a big fat fake among our friends who have been practicing faithfully from the beginning. I don’t feel it necessary to explain to everyone we sit down with what we have done in the past. But do share our story with closer circles of friends.
Life has a funny way of taking you into unexpected places though when you give it over to the Lord.
Through prayer, We were led to adoption and now have a beautiful girl from China. It was an amazing journey. We have been talking of reversal or maybe another adoption. We shall see. I feel like I am a spokesperson for those who are considering sterilization. Been there done that, don’t do it.
You just have to offer it up to God. He knows your sorrow and remorse. He is a loving Father. What helped me was to pray that He leads me and to give me the strength to go where He wants me to. He now has the wheel. His Will be done. Take comfort in that. Also take comfort that you are not the only one who bought into permanent birth control. Take comfort in that now at least you know. You see the Truth now and not too late. That is grace in itself. And that is a gift.
Hope this helps.


#13

As others have said, God has forgiven you. Do not question His capacity to love you and forgive you. As a Catholic, you know that this is true. When you start feeling that way, say a prayer and thank Almighty God for His love and forgiveness. And always be grateful for that.


#14

I’m so glad you started this thread, RWMorris. Seven years ago, after the birth of our 4th daughter, and my 4th C-section, my family MD and our OB/GYN told me I shouldn’t have any more children. My family MD (also Catholic with a big Catholic family) was very emphatic and told me that I needed to be done due to the build up of scar tissue in my abdomen. So, hubby got a vasectomy. At that time, we really believed we were doing “the right thing.” I honestly didn’t think that we were doing something in the “mortal sin” area- I was just trying to preserve my life, and prevent something horrible happening to me or to our future child/children. And to be honest, I was feeling emotionally/physically exhaused with four young children on top of that. I should say that at that time, we were Catholic, but in name only. Neither of us were what you would call a “strong” Catholic by any means. Since my coming back to the church a year ago, it’s really been bothering me that we did this. Yes, I’ve confessed my part to the priest, and I feel better for that. Although my nurturing needs are beeing met quite nicely by the 4 children I currenlty have, and I have not had a bout of baby fever in the last 7 years, I do feel guilty for my part in our decision. I have spend a lot of time apologizing to God for not looking into other methods of BC that would have been in line with the Catholic Church.

I am overwhelmed by the compassionate answers that you have been given on this thread. I think that this helps me deal with my choices, too.

Thank you.


#15

I really wonder what it is that makes women like us desperately want children, 4. 5, 6… more… and others who have two that are able to switch off that desire? The suffering you now feel can be offered up for all those little babies that are not wanted and aborted. Probably little comfort, I’m sorry… but God does use suffering for good.
I knew that feeling. My husband had a vasectomy and in 2003 (not long after we married) had it reversed as I could not imagine having a marriage with no children. (I had children from a previous marriage, he had one son)
We have a beautiful little boy together now, and i couldn’t imagine life without him.
We all make mistakes. I have made huge ones that I regret so much.We should try not to dwell on them…I really hope you find peace with this. I will pray for you. God bless…


#16

I after having two great children, my doctor who had me on meds. for a medical condition had changed the medications. What had happen is that I got pregnant and my hair started to fall out I was scared what to do what it would be doing to the child but I didn’t know what to do so after 3 months of losing hair and it was literally just falling out. So my husband told me I should have an aborion and I was against it at first but all the signs showed me my health was bad. So when I went and had it done I also had a tubal ligation because I was having a bad time having the abortion and I thought I would never be able to have a child again.

Was I wrong. I shouldn’t of ever had it to begin with the baby wasn’t even formed the doctor showed me. I didn’t wait long enough I was scared because abortoion were bad and I never wanted one but I didn’t know. I am living in regret to this day even after talking to Priest and asking for forgiveniss I know that I really would of loved of more children than the two beautiful children I have today. I wish I could of had more.


#17

PAR, please look into Rachel’s Vineyard. They do post abortion healing - Totally nonjudgmental, and totally Catholic. God bless you.

rachelsvineyard.org/


#18

Not everyone is called to procreate endlessly and/or in large numbers. You are not limited in your ability to love, guide or mentor children simply because you will not physically be bearing more of them. Open yourself up to the needs of the thousands of children who are already here and without parents/family/guidance in the foster care system or beyond. Your opportunities and the needs of children are endless–find a match for your interests and start giving–and let go of the guilt and pointless self-abuse over this issue.


#19

I have to admit that helps me than when the priest talked to me way back when and I am going to start thinking of helping children who are alive and need my help now. Thank you and God Bless.


#20

Stop beating yourself up. You made a decision that was right for you at the time. Anyone who says different is trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Although it seems like at some times we Catholics have cornered the market on guilt, we need to learn to be more forgiving.
The bottom line is only person you need to be concerned about is Jesus. Don’t worry about the rest of us and what we think,.

Kathy


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