For the past year and a half , I have been terribly perturbed, tormented even, by the thought that God could want be to be a nun or live in a cloister. This fear of being called to be a nun has gotten so terrible that I can't sleep at night, and I fear going to Mass or praying too much or getting closer to God. I think about this possibility that I might or could be called to be a nun every single day at almost every single hour. It's horrible and messing with my life.
It all started last year, when a priest who helped me with some issues, said "it was coming strongly off me"- the aura that I might be called to be a religious. At first, I didn't think too much of it- it was just a what the heck moment. But somehow, I started thinking more and more about it until it terrified me. Now, I have to add that this priest, while very good and faithful, wants everybody to be a nun. He even suggested that that my mother could do so too.Then as I started thinking about the possibility that I could be called, I started seeing nuns in pictures, in books, magazines. I've heard that God sends us signs, but it just seemed as the more scared I started to get at the thought of having a vocation to religious life, the more I saw these little "signs". Whenever I see something even remotely related to being a nun, I get terrified and nervous and want to scream.
Besides that I have no attraction to being a nun or consecrated life. I do not picture myself being a nun. In fact, I very much want to live and see and explore the world. I struggled with an eating disorder and mental issues for many years. It was horrible and isolated myself from anyone and never wanted to go out with any friends because I thought I was fat and hideous.It was total misery. So, throughout all these years I've been covering myself, wearing dark clothes, and only dresses because I think I look horrible in everything else. I was hiding myself in large clothes, so nobody could see my ugliness. I also had a terrible time at my extremely small catholic school, I only had like two friends and felt miserable being in such a small space with the same people for years. Ultimately, I realized that I don't want to be alone- that isolation is misery.
It has only been in the past few months that I have begun to enjoy life and myself again. I now wear things that show off my shape ; and think that I am not ugly but actually pretty. I have a little more confidence; and it is great. I hang out with my friends a little more and have told them about my mental issues. I don't think God would honestly want me to go to a convent or cloister. I don't think he would want me to be isolated again or wear dark baggy clothes. I have only started to enjoy life a little bit and get past all these troubles and mental issues. I also don't think that God would want to crush my dreams of being a lawyer and traveling around the world with my family. I don't want to be separated from this world which is good; and I really believe that my dreams aren't selfish. I am not seeking riches, just a life filled with friends and family.
Not too long ago, I used to say I never wanted to get married because I was selfish and thought that kids could ruin your physique and that a husband would make you stay at home. But secretly, I think I've always wished to be married and fall in love and have kids. I've finally seen the good in family life only after discovering I don't want to be alone and that perhaps my repelling to marriage was caused by the fact that my parents were divorced. There was this boy who liked me back in high school, and I liked the feeling of being valued and told you're pretty. I had never thought of myself as pretty or likable until then. For someone who struggled so much with body image that's a big step. I was surprised that someone could like me even if I wasn't skinny or had a perfect nose. However, because I have always lied and said that I don't want to get married, one person has suggested I should be a nun instead.
So now, I struggle with this superhuman fear that I will be forced to be nun and join a cloister . It gets in the way of my life . Whenever I hang out with this boy I like or talk about how I want to travel and be a lawyer or anything in the future, I feel like its all futile- that in the end, I will be forced to become a nun and never know the love that a man can give you and t freedom. Yes, I know that God's love is a million times better than the love any human can give you and that nuns are also happy people and love what they do, but can't humans have their own desires? I'll admit, I don't even know God that well and lately because of this predicament I've grown farther apart. I sometimes think that God is just a tyrant and will force me into things. I think he'll just take away more and more from me every time; I was miserable enough already in high school. Sometimes, I think it's the devil wanting to separate me from god and peace and making me doubt in God by making me think I could be called to be a nun. About two years ago, I had troubles with demonic obsession and this is worse. So as you can see, I am terribly confused and lost.