Please Help Me With My Brother


#1

My brother is an intelligent, educated person. He works in the medical field and is well liked and respected by his patients. Sadly, though his personal life is messed up.

He married a woman that he cheated on his live in girlfriend with. His wife was also married at the time and the friend of by brother’s girlfriend.

My brother and his wife have cheated on one another and she has been violent toward him. He says that he still loves her but they are now seperated.

He judges women mainly by how they look. When he came to our house, he bragged a bit about the attractiveness of the various women whom he dates. He didn’t seem at all inclined to consider them on any deeper level. In fact, for an intelligent guy he is amazingly shallow in this regard.:frowning:

For example, he showed me a picture of a woman on his cell phone. He said that she was a fine human being. So, I said to clarify “You mean that she is as a human being fine.” First he responded yes, so I reasked if he meant that she was a good person. He responded, “Well she is 35 and looks 19.” Not knowing what else to say-he obviously didn’t understand what I was asking, I told him that she wasn’t bad looking but not 19. “Oh no,” He told me. “I don’t mean her face. I mean her body. She works out a lot.”

Why would any guy, even begin to mention another woman’s body to his older sister. Why not her personality, or her ability to be compassionate?:frowning:

He and his wife are about to get back together but he doesn’t want to go to therapy. He says that they don’t have time because they both work.:banghead: Oh, both he and this woman are still dating and having sex with other people.

My sister and I have both begged him just not to date. We want him to get some therapy and work on himself. He says that he needs a woman to take care of him, so he has to have a woman in his life. Of course, he also wants a woman with a perfect body who dresses sexy, is faithful, educated and willing to work outside the home and still wants a family.

He badly wants children. He is great around kids when he remembers them. He took care of my sister’s children while she was in Iraq and her hubby was deployed. He was great with them but he tends to forget children too. Both my sister and I have had him promise our children to do things with them and then he just forgets them. If he was a bad uncle this would not be so horrible but he is so attentive and playful when he is around them that his actions hurt our kids.:frowning:

He is a genius level in I.Q. but he basis all his decisions on his emotions. Everything is how about how he ‘feels’ at the moment.

He tells me that he can’t help but ‘love’ his first wife, but he basis he emotions on no substance at all. I don’t think that he loves her, I think that he loves melodrama and the rush of adrenaline that comes with such a up and down relationship. I should point out that most of his long term girlfriends have been NUTS!

I don’t even know if my brother considers himself a Christian anymore. I am afraid to ask. I pray and pray and pray for him but he just seems to get more caught up in his own self the older he gets. My talking to him just makes him refuse to contact me for months at a time, during which I worry that some crazy girlfriend or jilted husband has killed him.

When he came to my house for Thanksgiving I showed him my blog and he seemed impressed. He wants me to email him the website so that he can read through it. I thought that maybe if I don’t mention him directly , I can write something that would put some seed in his heart to change. I just don’t know what to write. The only reason that I can see my brother changing is if he has some sort of divine revelation:(

He’s my brother and I love him, so I really don’t want to give up hope for him. But it really hurts me to see him messing up his life.


#2

Deb,

I’m sorry but I don’t think you can “help” your brother. He is an adult who sees nothing wrong with what he is doing and refuses therapy. You also indicate that when you try to talk to him, he refuses to hear you and gets mad. What, exactly, do you think you can do that will change him? I think you are putting an awfully big burden on yourself by taking on responsibility for changing him.

He sounds like he may have a narcassistic personality, frankly.

You can keep loving him, showing him a good example, and pray for him. You can also refuse to listen to his drama-- he seems to want an audience for it all.


#3

I am afraid all you can do for your Brother is pray for him . Like working woth an alchoholic you cant hep them until they realize they need help


#4

I think it is really sweet how much you care about your brother though Deb. I know a few men that sound like your brother and I am not sure how many of them snap out of it.

A return to his faith can help I am sure, so we can pray for him. Nothing is impossible but as the others said, I am not sure what you can do to help him other than support him and maybe try to invite him to church based events or to spend more time with your family and kids and that will help bring out the great things in him :slight_smile:


#5

:smiley:

I have always suspected that my mom had narcisstic personality disorder. She was a hellish person to live with frankly and my childhood was unstable. It took me years to realize that I couldn’t save her and even longer to realize that she wasn’t just harming me but my kids also.

Are boderline personality disorders inherited? Does it have something to do with how we were raised?

Its hard not to listen to his drama because he is always melodramatic. So, we would never talk if I stopped listening to his drama.:frowning:

I suppose that I will keep praying for him. That is all that I can anyway. It is painful to think that my brother might be like my mother, but I guess that I have no control over this anyway.


#6

I have invited him to many church events but he never comes. He seems to have a dislike for the Catholic Church. My daughters have a piano recital at a local Baptist Church. Maybe he will go and like that particular church. At least I can pray that he does.


#7

Borderline Personality is something I know a little about–I believe my mom and two of my sisters have it. And maybe my ex-husband. Anyway, here is what I have learned about it.

It is associated with early trauma, and maybe early attachment issues, such as losing a parent or being abandoned or seriously abused, early in life. It also can evolve from bipolar or is associated with it.

Early treatment with lots of therapy is crucial, but after adulthood, especially with a difficult attitude, therapy and meds aren’t much use.

Borderline personalities are alternately charming and vicious. They split people–either all good or all bad. For example, my mom has split her children. Some are her darlings, all good, the others barely tolerated, even hated. They often don’t make sense.

They can be publicly charming and privately horrid and violent, raging at times, irrational. They are selfish and self-centered in the extreme. It is all about them. They greatly fear abandonment. (I hate you, don’t leave me) They often feel “out of it,” kind of spaced out, and often have lapses of memory, especially in regard to times they raged. You have to walk on eggshells around borderlines. (Two books on borderline are “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.”)

Google it, it is kind of interesting and will be quite a revelation to you, if you do truly have borderlines in your family.

You may have to accept your brother is not his best self if he is mentally ill, but I know you will love him all the same.


#8

This describes my mom amazingly well. She had a very bad childhood. Her first memory was of having to be silent as her dad beat her mom so that he wouldn’t beat her up to. Because he was an alcoholic drunk her mom had to leave her with strangers so that she could work. When my grandmother didn’t work, the family often went without food, so my mom knew what hunger was. When she stayed with strangers, she was sometimes sexually abused.:frowning:

My brother had the exact childhood that I did, except sometimes my mother took her anger out on him in a more physical manner then she did her daughters. These violent occurences were rare but still happened. She kicked him in the head when he was sleeping one time.(He was around ten) Yet she would keep him home from school just to have him around her because she said that she missed him when he was gone.:frowning:

My mother was charming mainly to men. Men gravitated toward her and she got nearly anything she wanted from them. Oddly enough she announced to me when she turned fifty that she had discovered that young men will do anything for a woman that reminds them of their mom. So, she could get young men to open doors for her and carry her baggage out to the car despite there being more frail elderly ladies around who needed help more then my mom did. I was torn between amusement and frustration at seeing her figure out a way to still get guys to do what she wanted without havng to compete with younger women.:rolleyes:

Yet, she was a horrible grandmother to my older sons and even told my oldest daughter that she wasn’t going to heaven like her little sister.:frowning:

My brother too is very charming and add to that very intelligent and that he pulls in a good income. Women don’t just like him, they adore him(Just like my mom with men) But he can’t seem to form any deeper relationship beyond the romantic stage, despite the fact that he does(just like my mom) want a more traditional marriage wih kids. I think that the reason that he wants to return to his exwife is that she has a similar personality to his and they both love the melodrama.:frowning:

The books that you mention are actually two that I want to get. I just don’t have the funds to buy them at this time.ONe might be a good present for my sister, also. I know that she worries about my brother a lot.


#9

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