I have a big problem and I need your help. Excuse my rant, but I need to get this out.
I’ve been trying REALLY hard to be a better Christian. I’ve been praying a lot to Christ and asking for help from Mary. I get on a good roll and don’t sin for a little while (like a day or two). Then it seems like temptation becomes overwhelming at times and I stumble again. It happens over and over and over. My particular sins of choice, it seems, are like a drug addiction. I’m feeling like a guy who is getting beaten up and its really hard to get back up each time. I can’t imagine what it was like when Christ would fall on his way to his crucifixtion, but I’m starting to think it was something like me being crushed by my guilt (dont misunderstand me…I am in no way comparing myself to God). Jesus told us that you are either with him or you are against him. How can I be with him if I can’t stop insulting him with my constant failures?
I get really down on myself. I try to think of the kind of people who get to spend eternity with God and I think I’m not that kind of guy. When I sin, its like I’ve spit on the Lord’s face and I don’t even want to look up at him after that. Sometimes I can hardly spend three seconds with the Lord because I’m almost too embarrassed, let alone eternity. It takes a lot to make a macho 26 year old guy like me to cry, but I seem to be able to do it. I’m really sad because I want to be with God but I know I don’t deserve even the slightest glance from him. If it were up to me, I’d be in Hell already.
Protestants talk about a “personal relationship with the Lord,” but why the heck would he want to have a relationship with someone so far from being a saint? When I look back at how I used to live, I never felt ashamed or “beaten up” and battered. It was an ignorant time for me…and a WHOLE lot easier than fighting against my sins. This might sound stupid…but I really miss not feeling like garbage all the time.
On top of these feelings…I also feel really alone. No one I know is a religious person who I can talk to…I can’t share my struggle with my wife…because many of my sins should have ended our marriage a long time ago. I don’t have anyone to talk to…and despair is the last place I want to be.
I’m not sure if any of you have more advice for me…but please please please pray for me. I don’t want my sins to break me and I don’t want the next time I fall to be a permanant one.