Loads of typos. Please forgive.
My mother is dying. She is 99. Oh, you may say; that’s a good age! Not for her. She doesn’t want to die.
We (me and the docs) have been putting my mother’s suffering down to UTIs for years as an explaination of confusion. Her left eye has been swollen for years. This has been explained as thyroid disease. She has an underactive thyroid. Graves’s disease is caused by an overactive thyroid and, eye swelling is always bilateral. Mum’s swelling in is just one eye; the left.
Well, she has a tumour. She is in great pain. She is comfortable now with huge doses of painkillers, She is just about with us but, tomorrow I have to agree to arrange something that will take her away and out of this world.
After so long with her calling me non stop and saying that she loves me and telling me that she doesn’t want to die unless I do too, I have to let her go. I realise that this isn’t right but I am going to miss her needing me.
My brother came this evening after I told him that she was past the norm and had to have palliative care. He doesn’t believe it. Mum was fast alsleep when he came. He just doesaHe hasn’t done much to help us but it took two people to stop us fighting. I mean really physical fighting. If the sight of a 63 year old man and a 52 year old woman having fisticuffs doesn’t disgust you…watch this space.
I know what I need to do. I’ve already done it. I love my brother and I forgive him.
I see my mother asleep and free from pain. I went for 3 days without any sleep. I really believed all the nonsense Mum was talking. It was loony. Of course, I took her pain on board but I didn’ think it was physical. Catholic as I am, I thought that the best thing to do was to give her her rosary etc. It freaked her out. She said I was trying to kill her. She has always wanted a crucifix with her if she felt ill.
Anyway, please pray for me. I am going to have to deal with this. She is pain free right now but the pain will get worse. In hindsight I can see that her symptoms go a long way back.
Today is the 7th anniversary of my lovely Dad’s death.
Please pray for me.