Please Help


#1

I really need some nice, friendly Catholic advice here. I am in a torubled marriage. We’ve been married 10 years now. For the longest time everything seemed great between me and him. We’ve overcome many crosses together including having 3 children - 2 with severe medical diseases.

However, we have several issues. Finances are very tight because I am home caring for the kids. The medical needs of the children are extensive and go well beyond check-ups now and then. One child is on a feeding tube at night. If I were to work, I fear I wouldn’t last long because of all the days I would need to take off in caring for the kids. Ultrasound this day. Delaware that day. Dr. This day. Medical delivery that day. and on and on and on.

My husband is always angry with me. He lashes out and blames me for everything. I often go to my room and seek comfort from the Blessed Mother through the Rosary, which helps.

My husband is non Catholic - he’s Baptist and it never was a big issue before. But ever since I’ve been praying more and taking Catholocism more seriously ( in other words I’ve grown spiritually), he’s been more hostile. However, he doesn’t attend his church at all.

I’m battling depression and on medications. He thinks its nonsense and that I don’t need the meds. He gets mad when I ask him for the money to pay for them.

I’m trying to earn extra money by selling avon products because he says I spend too much money. This way I’ll have an account separate for my “personal spending”. (however, now I’m “selfish” ) Yet I rarely spend money on myself for extras. My 2 best sweatshirts are ones I had just after I graduated Highschool. I have sweat pants that are 9 years old that I wore when I was pregnant with our first child. The spending he refers to are necessities for the house and family. Pull ups for the baby, cleaning products (yet I “do nothing” if I don’t clean) , general house hold items.

He apparently has different moral values as he’s very into pornography. He doesn’y pay for anything - but he visits websites and watches free videos. I recently installed the K-9 web protection. Mainly to prevent the kids from stumbling upon it - but also to block him from using it.

He’s all over me about money - but a few weeks ago he spent money online for football pools. ($20 - but still that’s bread milk cheese and cereal )

I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore. It’s rare for him to say something nice. It would be nice to get a hug once in a while. It would be great if he could help me some days with doctor visits. I feel very alone. I offer all this up for the souls in purgatory, but I often wish things were easier.

In the spring we were fighting alot. until we had a big sit down to talk things out. He said he loved me and wanted to work things out. Since then we haven’t argued, yet something still felt off. But - I was enjoying the peace. However, his comments are starting up again including the ones about my meds. I’ feel like I’m hanging by a thread and he doesn’t care.
I could use some prayers and any advice :frowning:


#2

This is a tough one. I recommend that you talk to your priest, and also seek the help of a Catholic family counselor who offers free or reduced prices. You both need serious help. For one, you should not allow yourself to be an emotional punching bag. It is very bad for your self-esteem!


#3

First off, I will pray for the health and comfort of your children.

The pornography thing…not okay. There is no room for that in any marriage and it abusive to you for him to keep on viewing this stuff. The things he is saying to you, putting you down with - that is emotionally abuse. You guys need a total overhaul in your marriage and in your outlook to turn this around. Please go to a priest and tell him all you have told us…if he cannot help you, ask for a reference to free or highly discounted counseling from a Catholic charity. Even a marriage retreat might give your husband new eyes. Get yourself involved in a parish…where people can help you with meals and day to day things when you become overwhelmed. They can also be close to you and give you some perspective on the way things are at home.

I think a home-based business like Avon is a great idea. However, if your husband enjoys controlling you and putting you down, you making some spare money might be a threat of independence to him. You see, if he is an abuser, he will never want to let go of the ability of telling you that you are lazy.

Keep turning to God and to Our Lady for prayers.


#4

The best thing you could do is seek counseling with or without him. It will help you to find the right answers within yourself and from God. Sometimes God speaks to us through situations when we allow ourselves to quiet down and listen. Other times he whacks us upside the back of the head to get our attention when we refuse to listen. I don’t know you well enough to tell you concrete what to do because you already sound like an incredible woman who is doing everything she can.


#5

Thank you all so much for your help and advice. I will absolutely check with our parish priest. It would be great if they could recommend someone since I am without health insurance at the moment. I thank God for the state insurance the children receive for their medical conditions. Thanks again for your support.


#6

You need to find a way to get a job. With your sick children it might be impossible to work full time, but what about working part time. How much do you earn selling Avon products, if it’s only a little bit you need to look for something better.

You need to be earning money so that at the very least you don’t have to beg your husband for money to buy medication for yourself (frankly, him not wanting to pay for your medication is outrageous). The money he earns is yours as much as it is his, considering everything that you are doing for the family. But he doesn’t seem to see it that way, you really need a job that will earn you enough money at least for basics like medication.

As for whether he loves you, who knows. You have 2 children with severe medical problems, that is bound to put a lot of stress on anyone. Some people lash out at others when they are stressed and unhappy.


#7

That is a good idea in theory. However, it wouldn’t solve his attitude about the money. He would simply still say no and that we need it for other bills.I feel no matter what I do in any situation with him that I will always be in the wrong. I know its not about right and wrong, but yikes when you’re blamed for everything…

I think you’re right about the lashing out. And sometimes I wonder if he’s just clueless. Like saying stuff without thinking.

The one thing I can’t stand is the swearing though. Ugh. I don’t like the kids hearing that.

He will never see a councelor - I’ve tried getting him to marriage counceling. So like many things I’ll be doing the councelling on my own. It’s amazing how few insurance plans there are out there which cover counceling. But I will check into the Catholic charities and see if they can help.

Yes, currently with Avon I’m not making a whole lot,but I just started about a month ago.


#8

He might say no, but if you earned your own money you could view his “no” as an opinion of his you disagree with. You wouldn’t have to beg him to give you money.

Your situation seems to be so drastic. It’s not as though he’s saying “no you may not have that diamond necklace”, he is telling you “no” to medication you need to live a healthy life simply because of his prejudices.

What if your children will also need psychiatric medication? Will he refuse to provide it for them?

He will never see a councelor - I’ve tried getting him to marriage counceling. So like many things I’ll be doing the councelling on my own. It’s amazing how few insurance plans there are out there which cover counceling. But I will check into the Catholic charities and see if they can help.

Yes, currently with Avon I’m not making a whole lot,but I just started about a month ago.

I hope you’re able to find a counselor. Don’t lose hope, many women have been in your situation with their husbands and have been able to make it through it.


#9

While I sympathize with you and your struggle, there are always two sides to a story. If you really want to improve things, you need to try and understand what your husband is going through - this is not to defend his actions, I’m not doing that. He’s doing many things that are wrong. All I’m saying is you seem to be looking for answers and only you and your husband can find them - together.

So, if your husband was posting here, what would his story look like?


#10

Okay - that’s a fair question. While I don’t know what he’s thinking, I can see if I can role play here. This is based on previous conversations and things said to me when asking him what’s wrong. Believe me - I try to talk to him but it revolves in circles.

Anyway, this might be what his side of the story looks like: (I’m omitting the swear words and am trying to put this in a calm tone)


I don’t know what’s gotten into Jen lately. She’s praying more and religion seems more important to her than when we got married. She’s hanging religous portaits around the house - including one of Mary. (as a Baptist, I consider this idolatry) She’s following all these “Catholic” rules and won’t do any form of birth control including the "pull out " method. She said we could do Natural Family Planning, but I’m not into that. We should have sex when it feels right. She doesn’t want to have sex if I pull out. That never bothered her before! Why now?

She refuses to go to work. She says if she does, we’d lose Anthony and Jackie’s SSI. But I’m sure she could match that with a new job. She started selling Avon to make extra money - for personal spending. I wish she’d share it with the household. Personally I think she’s being selfish. We should use any income she makes for the house. She tells me she started Avon because I tell her she spends too much money. She’s just out to prove another point I think. If I need her to use the avon account for the house, she asks me to pay her back. She says she has to be able to pay avon for the products ordered for her customers. Still, I find it very selfish.

She is always nagging me about the porn. It’s no big deal. Maybe if we had sex more often I wouldn’t need the porn. But what really made me angry was when she installed that K-9 software. That blocked the porn and my gambling site. Since she lets me have access to her e-mail I had the K-9 password sent so I could log in and unblock the porn. Since then she has a new e-mail address for the K-9 and uses an unknown password for that address. She’s treating me like I’m a little kid. I can make my own decisions.

I know I shouldn’t swear around the house, especially when the kids are around but she makes me so mad. She’s always on that computer saying she’s “working”… she is an author and has 3 picture books about to be published. But my thing is - we’re not seeing any cash yet. So this doesn’t count as working. That Catholic magazine she started takes up a huge amount of time. She should be cleaning the house and cooking. She tells me she does or that sometimes her energy is low. Her latest ailemnt is how her “foot hurts” something about a stubborn case of Athlete’s foot and sometimes it’s hard to walk. I work in a kitchen all day. Now that’s sore feet.

I snapped at her the other night and she asked why I hate her so much. Yeah well, if that’s what she thinks there’s nothing I can do.

She gets jealous often about my past friends I reconnected with on Facebook. Yeah, most of them are girls and one of them I visited without telling Jen, but she’s being rediculous. I’d never cheat on her. They’re just friends. She should know that I care about my family.


Okay _ I think I covered most of it and tried to keep it from his Point of View. I don’t think I did too well lol. But from our conversations this is what I’ve gotten from him.


#11

Well done, actually. My hat’s off to you, you really got into it.

I kind of suspected that sex was one of the issues. You do know that many men bond with their wife almost exclusively through sex? If he feels like your Catholicism has made your sex life bad, then he’ll not only blame your religion, but he’ll also pull away from you.

I’m not defending his use of porn, but if he feels like sex is no longer what it used to be, physically, emotionally and mentally, then he may have trouble fighting off the temptation.

My wife and I are also in a mixed marriage. She’s Catholic and I’m of the Reformed Faith; we’re both very deeply committed to our faiths, however, so there are differences. I do know about the tension, though.

So it seems as if his male ego has taken a number of hits: he can’t support his family in the way he wants to, he is hounded by financial problems, he feels like sex is a shadow of its former self in your marriage and you’re treating him like a child. (Not that I’m blaming you for the K-9 - you have children and need to protect them; I’m trying to get into his shoes). He is probably very emasculated right now and feels like a total failure.

Plenty of people will tell you to make him shape up, urge you to give up on him because of the porn and tell you you may be better off without him, but there might be an alternative. It just depends on how badly you want to improve things.

If you are willing to be the one who starts to change things and willing to work without any return help for a while, then I’d suggest helping him feel better about himself. I know you’re also suffering, but it appears that you’re more interested in saving the marriage then he is, so it falls to you. Or, you can watch the swirling vortex of indifference flush your marriage away.

Since you’re trying NFP, be more aggressive in approaching him on the safe days. Let him know you want him, you desire him - even if it’s not all that high on your list. Let him know you appreciate his hard work and dedication; catch him being a good father and shower him with admiration. If he finds ways to save money, praise him.

Men are so easy really: attention, affection and affirmation.

Try the three-A’s for a little while and see if he starts to reciprocate. If he does, over-react with postive responses. Anything he does that pleases you should be a big deal.

Yes, this sounds like you’re the grown up and he’s the child, but you’re already playing that game negatively with the monitoring software and passwords. I’m only suggesting that you change the rules and do it positively. Maybe it won’t work, but what do you have to lose?


#12

One more thing: remind him they have a word for people who rely on the withdrawl method …

Parents.

NFP is much more reliable, and that’s coming from a non-Catholic.


#13

I am very sorry to hear about your situation Jengl, it’s very difficult and please don’t feel alone! You have friend’s here and GOD is always with you! I know easier said than done but remember if ever you need someone to talk to don’t hesitate, I am more than happy to lend an ear well on the forum an eye! :wink:

I was in a marriage like that too…I always had to beg for money! Many know my exhusband here from my posts and not just heresy I have even posted his emails so they have proof I have not made things up! :frowning: He’s very controlling even now that we have been divorced over 4 years! It’s ridiculous!!! :frowning: Very disappointing that man never grew up! But aside from that when we were married I was always lazy, a fat ***, a beached whale, good for nothing, mommy’s and daddy’s girl, etc etc etc… I would have to beg for money for anything…“You wanted to have the kids!!!” That’s what he would tell me… It was so devastating! He is Catholic but oh so not practicing…And never married me through the church… Maybe it was for the best!!! :slight_smile: I uhm, was forced to work so many times, there wasn’t enough money for this and that, but oh his rides were always pimping! Where was the money for that? But oh for food and needed items, “go get a damn job you lazy ***!” It was always like that… Always! I would leave my tiny tots to go help him because he would quit all the jobs after a year of work! :frowning: SO frustrating! And I loved having my own money I hated leaving my kids they needed me more…

Well after my divorce I have been working part-time and I have never been happier! It’s a great blessing! :smiley: It’s almost full-time work 30 hours a week and all but let me tell you if I could afford it I would only work 16 hours a week and still bring some money home and spend more time with my kids and have adult time for myself as well! :smiley: For once would like to own my tv!! hehehe But give it a try…I have a friend whom works 5 days a week from 8-12 and she takes her daughter to 1st grade from 8-3 which gives her a couple of hours to clean up get her lunch done, and snacks ready for her daughter as well as start planning for dinner! Then when daughter gets home spends time with her until her hubby gets home from work around 6…So she gets to spend time with her family till her daughter’s bed time at 8 and then it’s adult time for the 2 of them… She loves it, she has sacrificed a lot, because she went from a 100 k salary of working in the same company for over 15 years 40hour weeks, to just 4 hours a day no vacation paid, etc…At least her 4-1 K is still growing and she does have some pension plan as well for her retirement…So it’s not that much of a bad deal…

So if you are able to have a friend, or neighbor watch the children for 4-5 hours a day mon-fri or mon-thurs that would be great for you an opportunity to take a break from home and make some money for you and your children’s needs without needing your husband’s assistance! Believe me there is nothing worst than feeling as if you are a nothing, and I have been there done that hon, but you can’t give up! You have some beautiful children and they need you fight for them! Find a way to get a pt job for a few hours to help bring in a little income and you can use your AVON stuff in that job as well get more clients and bring home more money! The children need all the help they can get dear!

I have an ADD son, and who’s almost blind, not a life threatening situation, but still one that requires lots of patience, and so much of my time and with 2 other children makes things even more difficult…Their need for attention is big…And I alone makes it difficult…I thank GOD for my fiance he has helped me so much with my kids where their father is pretty much nonexistent! So believe me I can only begin to imagine the cross you have to bear!

You should also seek counseling, from your priest…even if it’s for you alone! My priest does counseling for free, he loves to help those in need. Maybe yours will too!

Don’t give up, keep praying, GOD bless and please hang in there! You are not alone! You and your family are in my prayers! God bless.


#14

It’s clear that this man has some major growing up to do both emotionally and spiritually. You need to decide if you want to continue living this way and if not, you need to list your grievances on paper and put your foot down.

Since you brought up his Baptist background I must say that as a non-catholic christian myself, I would have to very seriously question the salvation of anyone who would treat his family in this way.

Prayers headed your way!


#15

Personally one thing that might help your perception and not making the situation look so large is list your grievance and then put them into three columns.

  1. Things I can agree to disagree on - Virgin Mary vs idolatry (You can’t change each other’s religion)?

  2. Things I can compromise on- Time spent with each other? Money?

  3. Things I cannot compromise on - Use of ABC?

God bless you.


#16

Thank you all for your answers and advice. I’ve been spending the last few weeks attempting to talk to my husband. Unfortunately I have been unsuccessfull. He’s always hostile to me. Just last night I said to him - calmly and softly that it appears to me he is full of hatred. He said that he is. I thought for a moment. Then I said that he doesn’t appear that way with anyone else like his family and friends. He told me he doesn’t feel that way with them. Just me. He doesn’t want to talk, and doesn’t want to work on this. He won’t leave either though. It’s possible he may have said what he did to get a reaction out of me - which he didn’t get (I went into our room for a while and watched TV and prayed)

HIs attitude towards me changed once I began to take my faith more seriously. In fact I put off going to daily mass this whole year because he didn’t like me doing it. He calls me a zealot sometimes. I often wonder if I’m not fighting him, but something else… He says he “hates” Catholics - yet half of his family are Catholics ( the other half - including him - are Baptist. Now I’ve met many Baptist people and they do not express this rage against Catholics - so it’s not his belief system…)

I don’t know what to do. My heart tells me the marriage is probably over. But marraige is indissolvable. We;re supposed to stay together. I came from a divorced family and I vowed I would take my marriage most seriously…

Ugh!! I’m so confused right now. I think about going to a priest about this, but I feel awkward.


#17

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