Please help me. I don’t know if I have posted this in the wrong forum, if so, please move this thread to the correct forum.
I am in a very tight spot. I am a college student currently applying into medical school. I have had a research professor for the past two years. Although in the beginning everything was going very well, gradually my research professor started to treat me very badly – I can’t explain all the details – but by the way he spoke to me, by the way that he looked at me – the horrible backhanded insults that he said to me, I knew in the gut of my stomach, that he was jealous of me. I can’t explain all the details – I can’t explain everything that happened, but I had this very strong feeling in the gut of my stomach that he didn’t like me.
Every time that something bad would happen – either he insulted me or gave me a look, I would always doubt myself and defend him in my mind, telling myself, “You’re just thinking too much, you are just being too overly sensitive.” I started to pray to God about this entire situation, asking God to take away my feelings if I was misunderstanding my research professor. But over the years, the feeling never went away. I was praying that God would protect me if this professor continued to bully me. I was feeling so sad.
Another reason why I was feeling super sad and stressed out about this was the fact that undergraduate research is extremely important to universities – universities want to see students who have a strong research background, and a strong letter of recommendation from a 2 year research professor is so needed.
I prayed about this for a long time, because on one hand, I need a strong letter of recommendation from my research professor, but on the other hand, it would be a DISASTER if he wrote something bad about me in the letter of recommendation. If he wrote something bad about me in that letter of recommendation, it would severely hurt my chances of getting in medical school. On one hand, I need a letter from him, but on the other hand, I have no idea of what he would write about me. On one hand, he bullies me terribly, but on the other hand, I might just be misunderstanding his personality – and it is all just a misconception. I was so confused and scared in this situation.
I spent the longest time in prayer, and I decided to finally ask him for a letter, I was so nervous, but then I asked him. On the first day that I asked him, he responded kindly and nicely to me and said of course he would write for me a letter of recommendation. Over the next few days, I prayed to God that if this professor would hurt me in this letter, then give me some sign. I prayed, “God, if my research professor is going to write something bad about me in this letter of recommendation, then, please, I beg you, to let me know.”
He finally submitted the letter, and everything was over. I trusted in God and accepted his letter.
I remember one night when I made a clear decision in my head. I made a resolve to trust God in this situation and to send his letter. Under the law, it is illegal for students to read their letter of recommendation. It violates confidentiality. I prayed, “God, I don’t want to sin against you by breaking this confidentiality law. I trust in you, and I will send this letter. Please help me, God.”
Then a few weeks had passed after I submitted his letter. However, a few days ago, a thought (imagination) popped into my mind. I know that my professor often leaves his office, leaving his laptop computer inside his office, while he goes to conferences or meetings elsewhere. The thought popped into my mind to quietly sneak into his office when he is not there, and hack into his computer to find the letter of recommendation and transfer it into my own computer. When this thought popped into my mind, I felt so tempted. I felt so tempted, but I decided to NOT follow through. I decided to confess and put my trust in God. I did not want to sin against this professor or against God by reading this letter of recommendation.
However, yesterday, I was at my school, and then the temptation was so strong. I knew that he was out of his office. I knew that his computer was not there. I went into this office, trembling, and then opened up his laptop and got my letter of recommendation, and quietly left for home.
I read his letter of recommendation, and it turns out that he wrote for me an amazing, beautiful letter of recommendation (despite some small grammatical/spelling errors here and there).
However, after this entire episode, I felt so dirty. I felt so ashamed, and scared to pray to God anymore. I felt ashamed and sad inside. I felt so tired.
I’m scared that I have sinned against God, and that God is going to punish me by not helping me get into medical school. I’m scared that I have done something terrible, and that God will give me the consequences in the future. I’m so ashamed.
I’m scared that God is upset with me.
Is there any advice that you can please give me. If I go to confession, my sins are going to be forgiven, but will I face the consequences in the future? Will God still help me? I feel guilty and sad inside for what I have done. Please help me. I’m crying inside.