As some of you know I had my heart broken about 4 months ago. I have been praying so much for me to either move on with my life without my ex or for my ex to change his mind and realise we're so good together.
the past couple of weeks I have been doing really well, not crying and feeling positive. I really thought I was starting to move on. A mutual friend has been really nice and flirty with me so I started imagining myself with another man and felt like maybe it was possible. I kind of like that guy, but the thing is he has a girlfriend. He is the only person who I can think of without being sad that they're not my ex. He hasn't told me that he likes me but he's made it pretty obvious. I wouldn't do anything because of him having a girlfriend but I don't understand why the only other person I am attracted to is a bit of a player.
This weekend I went to a music festival with my ex and a few mutual friends (who are more friendly with my ex) when the tickets were bought I was in a hpapy relationship and had planned to enjoy the bands with my boyfriend. Obviously I was a bit sad/nervous about the weekend.
One of my friends had to drop out of coming due to uni work so not only was I feeling pretty lonely I was really sad with who replaced her. This girl came who I'd never met before but is seeing my ex's best friend. So I had to put up with a couple. My ex's best friend has a different girl every time I see him and I just don't understand or see how it's fair. I know people on here will tell me that he isn't fully happy or won't be happy in the long run etc etc but that really doesn't help how I feel at the moment.
I obviously got my hopes up that something would happen between me and my ex but nothing did. He was nice enough to me but it was also a bit awkward and I was a bit left out of things. He drank often and sometimes he only spoke to me if I had spoke to him first (so he had to reply) and it felt forced. But then he done nice things like give me food and help with my bag and waited for me when people were walking between bands etc.
I had to take uni work with me as I have a presentation tomorrow so that obviously stressed me out and put a downer on the weekend but in a weird way it was a welcome excuse for me to run back to the chalet when I needed to be alone. Like at one point me, my ex and one friend were waiting for a band. I sat down and they stood talking about things I didn't know. I felt really left out and then the couple joined us and I felt really sad and had to leave before the band even started. My ex texted me to check if I was ok and asked me to come back. I told him I was too stressed out and probably should have sold my ticket. Really I was too heartbroken. He kept asking if there was anything he could help with but obviously there wasn't.
It literally took all of my strength to not kiss him or hold his hand or whatever. It was so so hard but I knew if I had of given in and kissed him or whatever he'd have got annoyed and we'd not be friends.
I really don't know what to do. I keep praying but I keep getting pushed back. I hadn't cried for about 2 weeks and since Saturday I've cried every day for long periods of time. I'm trying my best to take my mind off of him and try and think of what else will make me happy but I honestly don't think anything will. We were so good together and have so much in common so I don't understand how or why he stopped loving me. I know if we tried he could get it back I just wish more than anything he would let us try. I actually would do anything.
I'm scared because I honestly think I'm starting to lose my faith. I'm trying my best to trust in God's will and that we either will get back together when the timing is right or I'll find someone who is better for me (though I genuinley do not think such a person exists) but it is so hard. I know I'm going to always get my hopes up until I stop loving him, but the thing is I really don't know how I'll ever stop. Like if we had of got married and I was to say "I will love him forever" everyone would agree or tell me its right or whatever. But now we're not together if I say that then people tell me I'm stupid or I will move on eventually but I honestly 100% do not think it is ever possible for me to stop loving him. If it is someone please tell me how, but please do not tell me it will take time because the more time that passes the more I love him and want him back.
Please pray that God will answer me and heal my broken heart. I honestly can't do this anymore :(