PLEASE pray for me today -situation with my mom

I need serious prayers to help me deal with my mom. My daughter is leaving for Europe with her grandfather (my dad) today. They will be gone 4 weeks. My mom is staying home. I went to Europe with my family as a kid -my mom has mental illness and she fights constantly with my dad.

My dad and my daughter went to Europe 4 years ago and again my mom stayed home. I would have never had my daughter go if my mom was going because I would not subject her to the stress of dealing with my mom. And by the time they got back from Europe I was ready I was fried emotionally from dealing with my mom.

Any kind of change pushes my mom over the edge and brings on “episodes”. Last time they went my mom went bonkers pretty much from the ride home from the airport. She rants like a mad woman about how horrible my dad is. Every real or imagined or distorted story from there marriage of over 50 years. (My dad actually bought a second house about 15 or so years ago to get a break from her for a few days at a time)

My dad has let me know she has been wound up for the last week. She has hid it from me so far. We had a discussion a couple years back where I tried to set up some boundaries. Last night on the phone she said she had a story to tell me. I was short on time and said well not right now because I have to go. She said “Oh not right now, after they leave.” I realized after I hung up what she meant. My dad has told me over the last week she has been accusing him of stealing money from her mother. $26,000 to be exact. My mom is 85, her mother died in 1974 -when we lived in another state. She even produced a black bag where she said the money was kept. Which she apparently has kept for 40 years and never said a word about before. And trust me I have heard every story repeated several dozen times each of all the “awful” things my dad has done. And never have I heard this story,

So I’m sure this is the story she is planning on telling me. My mom and I have a history. She has been verbally abusive to me since me teens, I am their only living child, so no I am not cutting her out of my life when she has only a few years left. I need the strength not to react to her, to not let her push my buttons. To basically survive today’s ride home and the next 4 weeks. Because I will have to spend more time with her since she doesn’t drive and I will call to check on her because she is 85 and home alone.

My dad just called and asked me to see if my priest can talk to her because she went absolutely nuts last night. My dad was raised Lutheran, converted for marriage and doesn’t really practice. He is a very good man though. Most men would have left her many years ago. For him to call and ask that I know its really bad. So please, please pray for me. Its going to be a difficult 4 weeks.

Prayers for you during this time… may Mother Mary bring your mother the PEACE of the Holy Spirit…

I will pray for you.

If I were in your situation, I would imagine that this were not my mom, but someone else. What if this were some other person? And I would pretend the person she was talking about was some unknown person - not your father.

In that case, I could pretend that she was telling me wild tales. I could react to them without emotion, because they are just tall tales.

The problem is that you are so emotionally tied to your mother that you so badly want this not to happen. Well, you can’t change that. You are also emotionally tied to your father, so you want to protect him when she verbally attacks.

Can you imagine for a moment, that this was not your mother, but a neighbor of yours. How would you react?

Neighbor:“I need to tell you something.”
Me:“What is it?”
Neighbor:“My husband stole a lot of money from my mother years ago.”
Me:“Really. What did you do?”
Neighbor:“Well, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t know about it at the time.”
Me:“How do you know?”

and you could just go on an on as if it is just a story being told.

Otherwise, if you try to contradict it, you might end up both in tears.

Mom:“I have something to tell you.”
You:“What is it?”
Mom:“Dad stole a lot of money from Grandma.”
You:“Mom, you know that didn’t happen.”
Mom:“Well, believe what you want, but I could tell you stories that would make your hair stand on end.”
You:“Mom, please don’t do this.”
Mom:“Okay, if you don’t want to know what i have been dealing with. Your father has a dark side”
You:“Mooooom! - Just Stop”

You know you are dealing with the mental illness- and not your mom directly . As that, you might be able to pull it off without getting pulled into it as if it were true.

It’s not an easy journey. I wish you well.

I will offer up my prayers. God bless.

Good Saint Dymphna, great wonder-worker in every affliction of mind and body, I humbly implore your powerful intercession with Jesus through Mary, the Health of the Sick, in my present need. For the daughter and her mother I ask for this intercession. Saint Dymphna, martyr of purity, patroness of those who suffer with nervous and mental afflictions, beloved child of Jesus and Mary, pray to Them for me and obtain my request.

(Prayed one Our Father, one Hail Mary and one Glory Be.)

Saint Dymphna, Virgin and Martyr, pray for us.

This is very good advice!

Wow, yeah your are exactly right. Thanks. I need to detach, its just soo hard -but I absolutely need to.

My daughter said on the drive over to parents, is there a saint for mental illness? I said yes but I couldn’t remember the name. She tried to help me but I said its not a common name. She said well when I can’t think of the name of the saint for certain things I just pray Saint of whatever I need at the time please intercede for me. :slight_smile:

Things actually went very smoothly right up until I had taken her back home and was leaving opening the front door and she says
“Next time I see you I have a story to tell you.”
I said “Oh? Ok”
She said " A big story."
I replied “A happy story?”
She kind of waffled and said “Well a story, its important.”
“A nice story?”
“No not really, but I want to tell you.”
“Is it something that I need to know? Does it involve me?”
“No it involves me.”
“Mom, remember a couple years ago when we sat down and talked about our relationship, and about getting a long better and not talking about the past?”
“Well I only found out 2 weeks ago.”
“Mom, lets have a nice four weeks. Lets have a nice time together, lets keep things positive ok.”
“I need to tell you, I need to tell someone. I need to talk to a therapist.”
“Ok I can take to a therapist.”
“I need to talk to someone I need to talk to a therapist, I need to talk to a priest…”
“Ok I set up something with Fr. “X” if you want to talk to him.”
“And you need to know, I want you to know.”
“Does it involve me?”
“Did daddy tell you? Because he told me he told you. I asked him if he told you and he said he did.”
(I’m thinking great -now what.I don’t know for sure if he did or if he didn’t and she was bluffing) Sigh, “Yes mom he told me.”
“And what did he tell you?” she’s winding up now.
“That you accused him of stealing 26,000 dollars from Grandma.”
“Well now I need to give you the details, I need you to hear my side.”
“I don’t want to know, it doesn’t involve me.”
We went back and forth with this both raising our voices. She mentioned she didn’t want to go to the police. Because she doesn’t want anything bad to happen to my dad she just wants him to give it back. I told her I could make an appointment with Fr. “X” She could talk to him about it. Through our argument I said “I’ve gone to confession before and talk to Fr. about our relationship. Don’t think I don’t feel bad when we fight and I end up screaming and yelling at you because I do, and I go to confession and he’s told me it is not appropriate for you to tell me these things because they are private things between husband and wife -and I am your daughter.”
We argued a little more and I said. “I’ll tell you this, if (insert my husband’s name here) stole 26,000 dollars from me -the last person I would tell is my daughter. Because he is her father and I would not want her to think badly of him. (And then I threw in a nasty dig) because that is what mother’s do mom they sacrifice for their children, for their children’s happiness!”
Yeah that wasn’t nice. I lost control -again.
She responded with “Well you see things differently.”
I turned to leave and said “I’m gonna go, talk to later.” And I left.
So all and all it went much better than I expected. But I still got sucked in at the end. I got nasty, which I’m not proud of. I am going to make an appointment with my priest for my mom. Thank you for all the prayers, I know they helped because I truly was expecting much worse.

Your mother is delusional. People who are delusional CANNOT be rational. You will keep trying to be rational but your mother cannot meet you on that ground. The previous advice to try and treat her like a stranger is very good, and also very difficult to carry out. Pray for the strength to persevere! Don’t get into these dialogues with her, it can only frustrate you. She cannot think that way. Your expectations of her have to lower to about .0000001 of what they have been.

Juliane, you’re absolutely right. And I know logically what you’re saying 100 percent true. But there’s the part I have to fight against all the time -the child in me that remembers, the past I worked so hard on to let go and give to God. The irrational, emotional child that wants a normal mom, not a mom with mental illness. That part the slips through that wants to say the right words so she’ll finally get it, so she finally see. And that my logical adult self knows she will never get. That there is no magical phrase that get through her delusional fog.

She not a bad person, when she has times of relative normalcy, she is fun and loving, and celebrates every small victory, every small accomplishment in life. But when the illness takes over words that come out of her mouth can be downright evil, and unrelenting. Absolute cruelty.

She lives in immense fear, fear she creates in her mind. Its so sad to see at 85, that she can not find peace. And she can not give my dad peace. I know he chooses to stay, and I know he can be mean to her -he’s been dealing with this for so long. My dad has really bad blood pressure problems. She knows how to push buttons and my dad’s face goes red. I fear he will have a heart attack with one of their fights. He’s old too, he’s 82 and just over the last year age is catching up quickly. Its so sad that the end of their lives have to be this way.:frowning:

I know, believe me, I know. My stepmother, who is 93, has become increasingly delusional over the last few years, until now, she lives in her own world, that only occasionally intersects with reality. I was just up there visiting her and I found myself trying to argue with her about her delusions - so pointless! The things she hears are real to her, even if they make absolutely no sense. I finally understood that when I was trying to explain that the police would not let people go who were making threats to hurt someone, and I could see that she was not following what I was saying. That part of her brain, the rational part, the part that could follow a process and realize that she had made a serious mistake, is no longer available to her. So I just stopped. It’s only going to frustrate us both.

As for your mom, a very wise person says that you have 2 chances to experience a great parent. Your own childhood, and if you didn’t get that parent, then you can BE that great parent to YOUR children. I know it’s hard to let go, but your mom is never going to be that great parent that you wanted, needed, and deserved. But the longer you tie up your energy yearning for her to be that, the less energy you have for your own life and your own children. Free yourself, and let that empty vision of what your mom couldn’t be, finally die.

I emailed my priest this evening. I just checked my email and he said he can meet with my mom at 5:15 tomorrow. So I just called my mom, praying she wouldn’t back out and things wouldn’t get ugly on the phone. Both prayers were answered. So tomorrow I’ll be picking her up to take to her to meet with him. Please continue to pray.:signofcross:

I’ll be praying, but please remember, your mother is mentally ill, and her priest probably isn’t trained to deal with her on that level. She may or may not accept his counsel, depending on what her delusions tell her is real. I am very glad that your priest can meet with her on such short notice.

As with my stepmom, I am so sorry that your parents have to go through this at the end of their lives. My stepmother has always been such a kind, loving, cheerful person and now, all she can talk about is people coming to kill her, burn her house down, and steal her money, and she even repeats curse words which she would never have done in years past. :frowning: I wish the delusions could at least be happy ones instead.

Thank you! My priest is some what familiar with the situation with my mom -it does come up in confession quite a bit. I know he can’t use that knowledge in anyway with their conversation but he knows somewhat what’s coming. He’s a very wise man. I know he’s dealt with the mentally ill before. I think it will help my mom to have someone hear her story. I doubt he would out right try to convince what she’s saying isn’t true. I’m hoping this will give my mom an opportunity for confession. I know its been a very long time. At times she’s shown interest, but I know she’s afraid. It has a very long time since she’s been to confession.

I really believe my mom believes what she’s saying just from the bits and pieces I gleaned yesterday. I think at some point my grandmother did have some amount of money in a black bag that looks like the one she’s come across. I think my mom brain has decided there was money in that bag all this time and my dad took it. My mom has her own bank accounts, she has cd’s. There is no way she would have left that kind of money in the house all these years.

Anyway I hope her being able to vent gives her some relief and maybe gets her back to the sacrament of confession.

Thanks again for all the prayers.:slight_smile:

My stepmom also believes she has a lot of money in the bank. And that the voices she hears are people who are trying to steal if. :frowning: These delusions can become quite elaborate, but they have no basis in reality whatsoever. She has enough money to pay her expenses and to pay for her funeral, that is about it. But she will repeat over and over how when she sold her farm, she made a lot of money by leaving it in the bank all of this time (she has forgotten that she bought and sold another house in the meantime, and that they didn’t even make that much money on the sale of the farm).

I’m glad that your priest can help your mom. Remember to detach from her illness, as hard as it is to do. You will be in my prayers.

Juliane I remember the day I vowed I would do different. I was about 13, standing in the kitchen while my parents fought, screaming at each other so loud the neighbors could hear about the fact that my dad put the bread on the wrong shelf in the refrigerator. I remember thinking I’m never doing this to my children. I am NEVER going to subject them to this. And I kept that promise. My daughter & I have a fantastic relationship. ( I could only have 1 child.)

I really struggled. My sister died when I was 13. That’s when my mom’s psychological issues exploded. She was a good mom when I was young. She was so cruel to me verbally. She expected me to be there for her, never once considering I was grieving a loss. When my daughter turned the age I was when my sister died -it was a struggle. Because then I realized how young I was when this exploded, how I could not possible fathom saying anything remotely close to what my mom said to me to my own daughter. How I could not possibly put the responsibility, the expectations and certainly not the blame. (I was responsible for parents fighting, I was the reason her marriage went south ect.)

I know as an adult it was mental illness I didn’t know that at 13. My mom would praise my daughter to me as she was growing up, but warned me wait until 13 then it all changes. When nothing changed, it was because my daughter was homeschooled, public school would turn my daughter against me. When my daughter went to public school in the 9th grade there was nothing left to excuse it on -well except that my husband was different than my dad. My dad apparently had turned me against my mother. I have said “Mom (insert my daughter’s name here) didn’t have the trauma of having a sister die at 13. Don’t you think maybe the fact that I lost a sister at 13, when I was a kid -that that might have something to do to with the fact that I was surly, smart mouthed teenager?” (Not mentioning the fact that my mom lost complete touch with reality -for pretty much 2 years straight.) That I couldn’t really grieve because my world got turned up-side-down and there was so much chaos in our home?" She didn’t respond but I knew she was connecting a little. Because when she’s not she’ll cut me off and scream and blame ect.

I know underneath when she connects with reality she carries tremendous guilt. The last 6 months of my sisters life when we knew she was terminally ill my mom spent 98 percent of her time at the hospital with her. The weekend my sister died she went home to do laundry and my dad stayed with her. My sister was sitting up talking on Friday, holding one leg close to her because it hurt (the cancer was spreading) on Sunday when we rushed back because she had a seizure in the early hours she was no longer conscious. My mom is absolutely convinced my sister would not have died if she had stayed that weekend. She never accepted she was terminal, would not allow a priest to come because that would be accepting she was going to die -and outright has said my dad killed her. I know she feels guilt for how she treated me, but she will never verbalize it because that makes it real and its to overwhelming. Just like letting a priest come would have made my sister dying real and that she could not handle.

I have told her I have let go of the past. That I am happily married, have a beautiful daughter I adore, and that I realize things now that I could not understand when I was a kid. I actually can reach her a bit more now that she’s older than before where she would completely shut me down. I don’t want her to die sad, guilty and bitter.

There are times when she makes me really angry that I want to shout “Mom I am a such a good mom because you taught me what I didn’t want my child to be subject to, what I didn’t want my child to feel!” But I don’t want to add to her guilt. I was a sick baby and she fought with every inch of her being to make sure I got the best medical care possible, doctors said I would die (major heart condition). When I was 8 and going in for open heart surgery she planted a happy smile on her face, was cheerful and calming -and never let me see how afraid she must have been. I went into surgery without any fear what-so-ever. She is 4’9 and carried me in the snow to the front door of my kindergarten because she didn’t want me to have wet pants fearing I would get sick because I had a heart condition.

I know I’ve been posting really long posts, its been cathartic, helps me relieve the stress. Thanks for listening, and for praying.:hug1:

God bless you for the love, patience and kindness you have been able to give your mother.

Hi Rayne,

Sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time. And I know it is much easier said than done. After reading your sharing about your sister. I just wanted to suggested, if you have not considered before, reading this book called “On grief and grieving” by Elizabeth Kubler Ross.

Maybe you have or maybe just that there are still areas of healing that needs to happen; especially from the hurt you experienced from your mom and the passing of your sister. I pray that the Lord will show you where you are still hurting and to heal those areas, so that you can better deal with your mom.

While I did not lose a sibling, I lost my mom at a very young age (it is over 30 years), and one of my sisters till now has not grief the loss (at least that is what I feel), and is a very difficult person to deal with. And it is just so easy to “hook” onto their bad behaviour.

Blessings

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