I cannot explain how much comfort there is in knowing there are people praying for us. Sometimes it seems as though these messages are the only tenderness in my days - when my daughter is not with me. So I thank you all more than you can know.
In a brief answer, it's true technically, I am the party who filed. To be brief, I filed as a response to the fact that he told me (in November) in clear and uncertain terms that he had already filed. I consulted an attorney and asked what to do about his filing and was advised to file to protect myself. When I filed I was under the impression my husband had already done so.
He had been insisting for months he was moving out. He'd been packing and removing things for some time. He had threatened to leave and take our child. It was awful. And a truly horrible environment for our daughter..
So, when I filed, I found out he had lied. He says he lied about it to try to make me see how important this was to him. It doesn't make much sense but I understand how pain and despair can work sometimes. I stated clearly that if he didn't want to be divorced I would remove the complaint and work to fix things. It's what I want. I have never WANTED a divorce. I filed under duress and in response to a lie.
And since then, no matter what I say or how I have begged for us not to do this all he says is even if I withdraw the complaint, he will refile. That will be worse since it will be even more staggeringly expensive (and I already have nothing) and cause further disruption for our beautiful daughter.
So I feel I cannot make the one gesture I deeply want - which is to withdraw the complaint - and jeopardize the little stability I have carved out for our daughter - unless my husband indicates he wants to stay married.
And all I get from him is bitterness and flat out refusal to reconsider anything. It is as though none of the beautiful and sacred reasons we were married and had a child together even exist for him. I know with God all things are possible and that in His perfect time, there will be some kind of resolution, but I struggle with deep sadness. It is so difficult to be patient when I cannot stand the idea that my daughter has to be missing one of her parents all the time. And I cannot stand the idea that my husband is missing so much of his own child's life. And to be honest, I cannot stand to miss both of them when he has her. It's bad enough to miss him when I have our daughter - but it's devastating to have to miss both of them.
I am not blameless in this situation but I am so willing to try to change it. It doesn't appear I have that opportunity in the context of my marriage.
Thus, the further we go w/divorce proceedings, the worse it gets. Everything we have to do is such that it further angers him and puts more distance between us and gives him the impression I want a divorce - which I DON'T.
And it has awful effects on me. I have to continue to enact these things which were all predicated on my own action in filing - which is utterly inauthentic to who I am and what I want. I am stuck, suffering, heartbroken, alone, and afraid. That about covers it.
Grateful for your listening. Grateful for my faith in God and that I know the comfort of prayers. Please keep us in your hearts.