Please pray for this situation with my sister and her family


#1

Hello everyone. This is a bit of a long story, but I will do my best to keep it brief.

First let me begin by saying that I am 17 years old, and my sister is 41. There is such an age difference, because my father had her from a previous marriage, and then once he married my mother, they did not have me for another fourteen years.

My sister and I have not always had the best of relationships. I suppose the age difference made it hard, but for some reason, I always felt that my sister was jealous of me. I remember being quite young (3, maybe) and glancing over at my sister who was staring at me with a look of such hatred. There were times when she would yell at me for no particular reason - I was not a bad kid, and I would never have done anything to hurt my sister. One time (and this is hard to forget), I remember my sister taking me and my niece (I have three nieces) out for a ride in a wagon when we were fairly young. About halfway around the block, my sister turned around and started screaming at me. I was scared to death and did not know what I did wrong. My sister has always hit me really hard on occasions, at first it seemed playful, but I could tell that she had such anger for me when I looked at her.

Well, regardless of all of this, I still wanted a relationship with her. But she never seemed to have time for me; her friends were always more important. Now, I know she had kids, so I understood how busy she was. But little to no contact with me, I personally think is really sad. So, in the summer of 2008, I wrote to her telling her about all of these feelings. I put it in the nicest way possible, while still addressing this sadness that I feel. She never wrote back to me, so my mom called her after two weeks asking why she was making me wait and she coldly responded "My non-response is my response." I was devastated and swore I would never talk to her again. But a week later, my niece called (she was 11 at the time) and said something to me that led myself and my parents to believe that my sister's husband was physically abusing my sister and that stress makes things worse for her. Well, I felt terrible about this and so I promptly called my sister up and apologized for my letter, even though I felt like there was nothing to apologize about.

Another year went by, and my sister and her family were sent to Japan (her husband is in the airforce). Contact with my nieces, who I am very close with, was slowly being cut off and I didn't know why. Other similar problems with my sister arose (too much to mention on here) and I had had it. I really lost my temper, which I probably should not have done. So I wrote another letter, and was honestly, pretty harsh. I addressed the whole conversation with my niece, and basically cut it off with her. I never heard back, and I went a whole year with no contact at all with any of them.

It killed me to not talk to my nieces, but for a while I felt like it was better for my health to not have anything to do with my sister, since she caused me so much grief. But after a year had passed, not receiving emails or phone calls from my beloved nieces began to absolutely kill me. I cried all of the time and could not sleep. It was horrible. So I wrote to my sister asking for contact with them again, but she wrote back and said that I was vicious and "spewed lies" and basically told me what a horrible sister I was. She said that no one would be allowed to talk to me until I apologized.

Well, I could not bring myself to apologize, but by the grace of God, since fall of last year, I have been in contact with them. I just started slowly talking to my sister through IM and eventually, my nieces began showing at least a little bit of interest in me. It is still tough; there are times when my sister is very cold, and when my nieces seem like they hate me and do not want to talk to me. I have three nieces and only one really contacts me.

This is very difficult. I know I have not been perfect in all of this and that I have made rash decisions, but there has been so much pain for me since I was little with my sister. Another thing that I might add, is that my sister has sadly left the Catholic Church. It is very difficult that I cannot even have that to share with her. Her husband (who is an awful person - he was physically violent with my father on one occasion) is a Protestant minister and has spread lies about Catholics to his daughters, which caused other problems for me in the past. My sister hates the fact that we are Catholic and she makes remarks every once in a while, which is very painful.

I ask for prayer for all of this. It is still so hard, even though I have gotten a decent relationship back with them. It is still very much lacking; and I still struggle with anger and depression about it. Please pray that if my sister cannot change, that I can change in order to accept the fact that it will never be perfect with her. I want to be able to love them without having anger or sadness in the back of my mind. Please pray. :(

I am so sorry that this turned out so long. There was just so much to address. Any advice if you have time would be wonderful. Thank you, and God bless.


#2

I'm so sorry for your situation. You are in my prayers.

While it sounds like you didn't always do everything "right" with your sister, I hope you can recall that she, unlike you, has been the adult the entire time this has been going on. As an adult woman myself, your sister's being in her mid 20s to early 30s and treating you in such a vile way when you were a small child is disgusting. No normal, decent human being would do that. I don't care what "excuse" she has because, frankly, there is none. Further, the fact she insists on playing games when you try to initiate contact is childish beyond belief.

Personally? I would walk away. Why? She sounds like a cruel, hurtful person who will only wound you more. If you miss your nieces, then I would send birthday cards or notes every now and again. I would not continue contacting your sister.

Unfortunately, we can't pick our families. If it makes you feel any better, my mother was absolutely ridiculous to my family for five years before she passed away. She was particularly cruel to my son. It got to the point where, as his mother, I had to keep him away from her to avoid her further damaging him. My son, while by no means perfect, is a sweet, sensitive child. My mother definitely left her mark. When she died? He didn't shed a single tear. Pretty telling, I'd say.

Pray for your sister, but protect yourself.

God Bless :)


#3

[quote="allthatisgold93, post:1, topic:253600"]
Hello everyone. This is a bit of a long story, but I will do my best to keep it brief.

First let me begin by saying that I am 17 years old, and my sister is 41. There is such an age difference, because my father had her from a previous marriage, and then once he married my mother, they did not have me for another fourteen years.

My sister and I have not always had the best of relationships. I suppose the age difference made it hard, but for some reason, I always felt that my sister was jealous of me. I remember being quite young (3, maybe) and glancing over at my sister who was staring at me with a look of such hatred. There were times when she would yell at me for no particular reason - I was not a bad kid, and I would never have done anything to hurt my sister. One time (and this is hard to forget), I remember my sister taking me and my niece (I have three nieces) out for a ride in a wagon when we were fairly young. About halfway around the block, my sister turned around and started screaming at me. I was scared to death and did not know what I did wrong. My sister has always hit me really hard on occasions, at first it seemed playful, but I could tell that she had such anger for me when I looked at her.

Well, regardless of all of this, I still wanted a relationship with her. But she never seemed to have time for me; her friends were always more important. Now, I know she had kids, so I understood how busy she was. But little to no contact with me, I personally think is really sad. So, in the summer of 2008, I wrote to her telling her about all of these feelings. I put it in the nicest way possible, while still addressing this sadness that I feel. She never wrote back to me, so my mom called her after two weeks asking why she was making me wait and she coldly responded "My non-response is my response." I was devastated and swore I would never talk to her again. But a week later, my niece called (she was 11 at the time) and said something to me that led myself and my parents to believe that my sister's husband was physically abusing my sister and that stress makes things worse for her. Well, I felt terrible about this and so I promptly called my sister up and apologized for my letter, even though I felt like there was nothing to apologize about.

Another year went by, and my sister and her family were sent to Japan (her husband is in the airforce). Contact with my nieces, who I am very close with, was slowly being cut off and I didn't know why. Other similar problems with my sister arose (too much to mention on here) and I had had it. I really lost my temper, which I probably should not have done. So I wrote another letter, and was honestly, pretty harsh. I addressed the whole conversation with my niece, and basically cut it off with her. I never heard back, and I went a whole year with no contact at all with any of them.

It killed me to not talk to my nieces, but for a while I felt like it was better for my health to not have anything to do with my sister, since she caused me so much grief. But after a year had passed, not receiving emails or phone calls from my beloved nieces began to absolutely kill me. I cried all of the time and could not sleep. It was horrible. So I wrote to my sister asking for contact with them again, but she wrote back and said that I was vicious and "spewed lies" and basically told me what a horrible sister I was. She said that no one would be allowed to talk to me until I apologized.

Well, I could not bring myself to apologize, but by the grace of God, since fall of last year, I have been in contact with them. I just started slowly talking to my sister through IM and eventually, my nieces began showing at least a little bit of interest in me. It is still tough; there are times when my sister is very cold, and when my nieces seem like they hate me and do not want to talk to me. I have three nieces and only one really contacts me.

This is very difficult. I know I have not been perfect in all of this and that I have made rash decisions, but there has been so much pain for me since I was little with my sister. Another thing that I might add, is that my sister has sadly left the Catholic Church. It is very difficult that I cannot even have that to share with her. Her husband (who is an awful person - he was physically violent with my father on one occasion) is a Protestant minister and has spread lies about Catholics to his daughters, which caused other problems for me in the past. My sister hates the fact that we are Catholic and she makes remarks every once in a while, which is very painful.

I ask for prayer for all of this. It is still so hard, even though I have gotten a decent relationship back with them. It is still very much lacking; and I still struggle with anger and depression about it. Please pray that if my sister cannot change, that I can change in order to accept the fact that it will never be perfect with her. I want to be able to love them without having anger or sadness in the back of my mind. Please pray. :(

I am so sorry that this turned out so long. There was just so much to address. Any advice if you have time would be wonderful. Thank you, and God bless.

[/quote]

You are wonderful woman, who I would love to have as a sister...
God Bless


#4

I am sorry for the painful time you have been through with your sister.

You have done your best, and in my opinion you can just pray for her and her family and just back away from trying to have a good relationship with her, as she is just causing you more pain.


#5

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story, I will keep you in my prayers. When I read the words that you wrote it seemed that you are in so very, very much pain. I beleive that when we have problems in relationships it can be painful, but when we have problems especially with parents, siblings, children or spouses (those closest to us) it can cause pain that cuts very deep and is difficult to get beyond.

First of all I want you to know that your age difference with your sibling (in my opinion) has very little to do with your troubles. Certainly age can have an impact on what we have in common, but it has little to do with kindness and love. I personally know of siblings that are close in age and are not speaking. I also know siblings with decades separating them and they have a joyful relationship.

Secondly when I read your post I sensed that you might be pushing too hard for a relationship with her. It obviously bothers you when you have NO contact, but even when you do have contact the relationship is “lacking” for you. You have called, written her letters expressing your feelings, apologized, written her more letters…I think it is time to give yourself some peace.

Dear one you are 17 years old. Certainly you have school, friends, lessons, hobbies, sports or other things that need your attention! Also, if you have not considered this: talk to your parents about letting you volunteer, perhaps with the elderly in your area. You are literally pouring out your heart and soul to a woman who, for whatever reason, is not interested at this time. Take your capacity for warmth and love and use it! Instead of trying to give your love to a sister who won’t receive it…give your love to an elderly person who is aching to be loved! Give your love to friends! Show your love to your parents! Show your love to those around you, you will not be disappointed.

Let your sister go. This will not be easy. Also try and not talk about her to friends or your mom or whomever you have been “leaning on.” This only fuels things and makes you feel worse so try and stop talking about her.

You don’t have to shut the doore completely, just quietly back away, for your own peace of mind. Occassionally send a card, expect nothing in return. Keep things casual, talk about the weather, talk about cooking, casual conversation. This is OKAY. As far as your nieces, unfortunately you have to let them go too as best as you can. Occassionally send an email if you want to keep the door open, but expect nothing in return. Don’t send anymore letters pouring out your feelings. Keep things simple, why? This will keep the door open for a future relationship, but will keep things calm and unemotional for now. This will be healthy.

Turn to Christ. Jesus knows the pain you are feeling. Think of Jesus when the friends that he loved ran away from him. Put on the mind of Christ as he looked at Peter who pretended he didn’t even know him! Think of how Jesus felt when he offered love to those when he preached and they just walked away as they werent’ interested.

Having a relationship like this with your sister is a heavy cross to bear. You do not want this cross, Jesus didn’t want his cross either. Try and think of Christ always. When you find yourself obsessing over your sister simply say “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” over and over he will help you find the peace that you seek. Hope this helps a little.


#6

First, what happened to your father's first marriage, death of his wife or divorce?
If it was a divorce this could explain alot about your sisters behavior.


#7

I'm so sorry for all you've had to go through with your sister. You are obviously a very loving person to still want contact despite her behavior towards you.

I am the youngest of 6 and I am 12-22 yrs younger than all of them. The older ones, who are now in their 40s(I am 25), have little contact with me. One I know for sure doesn't like me and is jealous. She has made up lies about me to spread around the family and such and I don't know why. It's very hard. I have little to no contact with her, and she lives 5 minutes away! I think she doesn't like me because she thinks I've been spoiled or that our mother likes me more than her or something, I don't know. It is very hard being so young with such older sisters. It's hard to feel like I belong or have anything to talk to them about. So, I can somewhat relate.

I hope her heart is softened and things get better between the two of you with time. If she continues to be rude though don't let her hurt you. You've done all you can and shown her love. If she chooses to ignore you and throw away having a great relationship with you than that is her loss.


#8

You've gotten some great feedback. While it may be painful to let someone go that you really care about, that is sometimes the only healthy option (emotionally, spiritually).

Pray for your sister. It's all you can do for her in this case, and it's a great way to continue to express you love for her.

-ahs


#9

[quote="ahs, post:8, topic:253600"]

Pray for your sister. It's all you can do for her in this case, and it's a great way to continue to express you love for her.

-ahs

[/quote]

I have to agree there that's what I'd do.

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago with one my my cousins. I did something that I'm not too proud of that really upset him and he sent me one of the most cruel nasty messages I've ever got. Never wanted to talk to me ever again.

I replied of course and apologized that he felt the way he did that I didn't mean to hurt him. He felt that I did what I did to gain attention. I told him that I wasn't going to apologize for that because it wasn't my intention to gain attention. I told him that I wasn't going to force him to talk to me if he didn't want to but that I love him very much and always have and will and that if he ever changed his mind I'd be right here with open arms. Over the next 8 months I sent 2 other messages at different times. Very short, just saying that I love you and hope your studies are going well. I'd pray continuously. Then about a month before my wedding he sent me a message saying that he'd like an invite that he wanted to see me.

Pray until something happens ;)


#10

i will pray for you


#11

Thank you all, so very much for all of your very kind and thoughtful replies. They meant a lot and helped more than you will realize. My sister has actually written to me since I posted on this forum, and she has been quite pleasant. I will take your advice and protect myself the best I can, as I know how she can be, but I do feel so much happier now and like I can accept how she is.

Thanks so much again and God bless,

allthatisgold93


#12

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