[quote="Justicia_et_Pax, post:1, topic:274119"]
My dear brothers and sisters in Christ,
I approach this Lent with much trepidation and a somewhat heavy heart (though I try to be optimistic). I have long struggled with Catholic guilt during Lent. Three Lents ago, in 2009, this Catholic guilt manifested itself into a "voice". What the voice was or where it was coming from was unclear; all I knew was that the voice seemed different to my thoughts.
I have heard voices since I was five, so I thought little of it. Certainly I did not think it merited medical attention. A tutor at university begged me to see a doctor and so I did. After years of differing diagnoses and various trials of medication, I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder :(
Two Lents ago, in Lent 2010, I was in a major psychotic episode. I had to be pulled from all my classes and my functionality was very low. Aforementioned university tutor was directing some medieval Passion plays and, even though I knew it could/would trigger the Catholic guilt, I got involved. It was, in short, a horrific time of my life (yet blessed in many ways, too), culminating in a suicide attempt on Palm Sunday :(
Last Lent, Lent 2011, my body and mind went through what's known as the "anniversary effect". The previous year's psychotic episode basically replayed itself due to unresolved issues and feelings, and general trauma. This again culminated in a suicide attempt.
Fortunately during both attempts, my guardian angel intervened. It is by the grace of God that I am still here. I am, however, quite afraid of reexperiencing this trauma again this Lent, 2012. I do not want to ever be in a position again where I am so out of my mind that I try to take my own life, especially during such an important liturgical season.
I'm on meds, pray when I can, am seeing a hospital chaplain and a separate confessor, and received the Sacrament of the Sick on the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes. I am quite prepared for whatever comes my way... but please, dear brothers and sisters, please pray for me :crossrc:
Sorry for the longwinded explanation. If you have managed to read all this, God bless you and your loved ones and keep you happy, safe and healthy in mind, body and spirit. Amen :signofcross:
God bless you Justicia........you are in my prayers. I have enjoyed corresponding with you in the forums.you are an amazing person through your words and spirit.Remember I had lots of guilt too.You have asked and he has forgiven.I know what you are saying though..your condition triggers guilt.But keep our Lord in your heart and know this...he loves you unconditionally and has a purpose for you on this Earth.If you were to commit sucide you would not be able to carry out the wonderful plan he has instore for you.He has one for all of us.I suffer from depression..I know it can be hard dearheart.But I have talked to you on the forums and you have touched my heart with your words and have given me strenghth in my downtrodden times.For that I am grateful.God bless you...we just have to hand things to him in prayer.He does listen...Love and Blessings...Kelly:)