Please some advise or encouragement


#1

Please help me?
I married my wife 10 years ago, she was a non-practicing protestant and I was a non-practicing catholic, but I still held strong views in my faith. Within 3 years we had 2 children, at which point my wife began having an affair, I knew about it but she didnt know I knew and I began having an affair on her for about 1 month before my concience got the better of me. I thought she had quit also, still never telling her I knew or that I had done the same to try and get even.

She got me involved in swinging for about 1 year, but I could never do anything because it bothered me so bad. I told her how much it bothered me so we quit. Shortly after that I found out that she had been cheating on me for a long time and with many different people. I called her on it. There were also many other things going on we had 1 more child during this time. She would leave them alone while I was at work and she would chat on computers with people all day till I got home. She never cleaned or cooked and she always found a way to blame me for things, everything.

Anyway long story short she said she would change, I didnt want a divorce. She took RCIA classes and we both began attending mass for a while. We had another child and things seemed to be doing better. It wasnt long though before she stopped doing any house work and again I did it all except for rare occations when she would do certain things.

2 years ago we had our 5th child and I had a massive reversion to my faith. My only desire now is to serve God in the best way I can. At first she was ok with it, but then after about 4 months she began to ridicule me about my desire to learn and study the faith I had neglected for so long. I tried to get her to go to confession because she had not been since RCIA so I took her. When we got there she told me she had never confessed anything to the priest about what she and I had done and this would be the first time. I told her not to worry since I had done that and that the priest was very kind and gentle with me and welcomed me back with an offer of any help he could offer. She came out mad and dissappointed, she said this priest was mean to her. I find that hard to believe but I said ok, I didnt want to argue.

Now in the last year our 6th child has been in the hospital a lot and so has she. I have spent a lot of time off work and running back and forth between hosp. and home. Things are getting better as far as health goes though. Last night I overheard her telling her dad she couldnt wait to get out of this family, she meant mine. My parents and sibs are very devout and love to joke and have fun, for some reason she has always hated them, even though it was they who had helped us. I asked her why she said that and I told her not to lie to me. She said she has been thinking for a while about divorcing me, because she said I dont show her enough attention.

Now, I do all the laundry and cleaning of the house. I stay up late and get up with the kids at night so she doesnt have to. She may cook 2 times an week at most, the others I do. She told me we dont talk enough but every time I try to give her my opinion she jumps on me, so now I say whatever you want to do, as politely as I can, and I mean it. I told her that I didnt want a divorce. She said we can give it a try and I responded with I dont want tries I want our love to be the bond and that we should tell each other what we feel. When I asked her when she had planned on divorcing me she said when the kids were older.

What do I do. I really have had it and if it wasnt for the children Id be gone and become a monk or something, seriously. I feel so alone and the only thing that helps is knowing that God loves me more than any love I could receive on this earth. If we get a divorce the children wont have me around to pray with them every night or do catachism classes. They are all very religious now, and it tears me up to think of them loosing that growing up in a house where their mother doesnt even believe anymore. I am willing to suffer this all for Jesus, and for the sake of my children. She gets so mad at them and yells at them for no reason, yea its tough some times, but she says some pretty mean things to them. She would never let me have them, she has told me that before and they do love her though. I pray for her all the time and I know it has to work, it did for St. Monica.

I guess I need some encouragement. oh, and I will not go to counceling, we tried that once and she lied so bad that I was told I am the problem and she just sort of laughed under her breath. It did more harm to me than help.

We are also having financial problems with all the medical bills to boot. I do all the bills too.

Any advice or encouragment would be nice.


#2

I don’t have time to make the long post that I would love to in this case, so I hope the abbrviated version will be OK.

Will your wife go to counseling with you? If she isn’t willing to go to counseling, then I think she needs to leave or you need to leave with the kids. Flat out. That’s what my priest just told me. I am not in your exact same situation, but there are marriage situations, like yours and like mine, that are detrimental to the children and to the spouses as well. I know it is a bitter pill to swallow, and I am still trying to figure out HOW to do it, but I know that I need to. My priest told me not to wait any longer than June. He thought it was important to have a time limit on waiting for a miracle.

Your wife is neglecting your children. You can not leave and leave her with them. Their future is at stake and you need to take action. Your wife is making your life a living hell. Don’t just take it as it’s God’s will or that you will be a saint in your suffering. My priest told me: “You are full of grace, but Jesus wants you to be happy.” He does want you to be happy, and He wants your children to be happy too.

Maybe your wife needs to hit bottom to realize how bad things are and that this is no life. You have to be willing to put an end to this, or there never will be an end to it. I know it is hard, but I know you can do it. I know somehow I will figure out how to do it too. God won’t let any of us down. On that we can all count. He will give us what we need to accomplish His will in our own lives.


#3

I read your post again and see that I missed the part where you discussed counseling. Going to counseling and lying is completely pointless, I agree. It probably would be beneficial to you to go to individual counseling though, so you could get a better understanding about how you and your children are being abused and what you can do about it.


#4

Before you end your marriage, try to see if your wife is having problems either with post-partum depression or mental illness. She sounds depressed. If you leave her, or visa versa, she will undoubtably fare worse since she is clearly “dead in the water.” Since she is the mother of your six children, you owe it to them, in the least, to help determine what is going on with your wife. And if your wife is mentally ill, she needs more than simple counseling, she needs a thorough medical and psychiatric evaluation to diagnose her problems.

I would also talk to her father asap. Perhaps he could shed some light on her strange behavior and support you as you try to save your marriage. Your father-in-law might back you up if he considers the toll a divorce would take on his six precious grandchildren.

However, if your wife refuses to seek help or follow a treatment plan or is dead set on divorce, then I would keep a log of everything that is going on in your home, both now and in the past. Start looking for an attorney.

You know, when you got married, your wife married a non-practicing Catholic. You have changed, she has not. That is difficult for her. You are not the same man she married.Raising six children is simply overwhelming. Get your wife help, real help. Do the 'Simple Suppers," hire a maid, get help from family and friends to take care of the little ones while your wife pulls herself together. Take some of the load off your shoulders as well, so you can attend to her. Show her that you are for her, even when she feels like abandoning you. Things must be very bad for her to want to raise her children alone. Try to help her. Counseling is imperative.


#5

Others have advised counseling, etc. and I won’t discourage you from trying whatever you think might save your marriage. But, if you do get divorced sue for custody of the children. They need you more than they need her, so if you really love them you take them and leave “Ms. Love 'em and leave 'em” to her own devices. :wink:


#6

Hi tdandh26,

My sympathy is with you as you deal with this very difficult situation…

I’m not married but for what it’s worth, here are my few thoughts on your situation.

  1. You mention that your wife says that you don’t talk to her as much as she would like and also that you don’t show her as much affection as she would like. To me, these do not sound like the words of a woman who really deep down wants a divorce. They sound more like the words of a woman who is completely overwhelmed with her life, who says that she wants an “out” but who deep down really wants more love. Granted, I know it is not that straightforward, your wife seems to have serious issues that none of us are probably qualified to comment on (a priest and/or medical professional probably need to have input there).

However, can I suggest that you read the book “The Five Love Languages”? It seems to apply to your particular situation. You feel that in doing all that housework and bill-paying and working, you are expressing your love for her, and you are, but the way she needs love to be expressed to her is not so much through Acts of Service as through affection and quality time spent together.

Although I can see how difficult it would be for you to be more affectionate given how your wife has behaved and is behaving, if you can find it in yourself to rise to the level of heroism and for say 2 months do everything in your power to be more affectionate and to spend more time with her, it might, just might turn things around. At least you have nothing to lose by it.

  1. I would also second the advice for individual counselling for yourself and I would encourage you to lean on friends and family at this time so that you can get out and take some time to yourself or with friends. You are carrying a huge burden that is probably sapping a lot of your spiritual and mental energy.

  2. I think it was a good sign that your wife did go to confession albeit that she was upset by whatever happened in her conversation with the priest. But if she wasn’t sorry for what she had done and had no intention of repenting or putting things straight, she would not have gone in the first place. It takes great courage to go back to confession after leading a lifestyle as she did and she could easily have avoided the big step of going to confession. I’m sure she also received a lot of grace through doing this.

I really think that your wife has major issues and I can see how you would feel that you are at bursting point and can’t take anymore. You should not have to do all that you are doing at home. However, the one glimmer of light that I see is that your wife has told you the problem “from her side”. She would like more affection and more quality time. I suggest heroically trying to do this, at least give it a try. And pray, pray, pray. As we will do for you.


#7

I hope I’m not pulling at strings with this, but after reading your post, I see a lot of what I used to be in your wife. I ended up being diagnosed for bipolar disorder, a condition that can be both predicatable and unpredictable. She distances herself from the children, doesn’t participate in the daily maintenance of the household, has taken advantage of you in a sense, knowing that everything will be taken care of by you and she won’t have to worry about anything. It’s a dentrimental way to live in a marraige.

I also noticed the sexual promiscuity in her behavior. Classically, bipolars do have a tendency to be more sexually promiscuous, but that doesn’t apply to all bipolars. I’m wondering if you’ve noticed any sort of depression in her…sleeping a lot, irritability, etc. You may want find out how she’s feeling inside, if she has any hope in her life, and approach the subject of getting a medical psychiatric evaluation.

Like a previous poster said, she may have to hit rock-bottom before she realizes what happening in her life. But I would try any thing I can to find the root cause of why she behaves this way before that happens.

My prayers are with you.


#8

[quote=Tonks40] I’m wondering if you’ve noticed any sort of depression in her…sleeping a lot, irritability, etc.
[/quote]

She is always tired, even though she sleeps all night. She is extremely irritable too and she seems depressed always.

As someone else said I should get out a little. I would love to but every time I do anything, which I havent done in almost 4 months, she says how I get to do all these things and why didnt I call her while I was out. But she goes out to dinner with her father at least once a week and she never calls me. I dont ask her to because I think thats part of getting away for a bit. The more I think about it the more I think she is just selfish to the core. Nothing is good enough. I cleaned the house top to bottom today scubbed the floors did all the laundry and dishes, gave all the kids baths and the first thing she notices is that her key isnt where it was supposed to be and gets real mad. Then she finds it under a plate where she had put it and goes on to tell me why I should have been more concerned over the seemingly lost key. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :frowning:


#9

I should also mention now, that since I have read that some of you have said you will pray for me I have felt like my anxiety has gone. Thank you all so very much. God Bless. Please dont stop please, I havent felt this good in months.


#10

[quote=tdandh26]I should also mention now, that since I have read that some of you have said you will pray for me I have felt like my anxiety has gone. Thank you all so very much. God Bless. Please dont stop please, I havent felt this good in months.
[/quote]

I will remember you in my rosary tonight.
:slight_smile:


#11

God bless you, will be praying for you also.
Don’t give up on your marriage yet, there is always time for that. Are the children really being neglected? Does she listen to them and give them the affection and attention they need? That would be a crucial question for me.
She sounds like she has mental and/or emotional problems.
Please find a good Catholic counsellor for yourself.


#12

To the OP, it seems to me that you should lean on your family of origin for more help. Can your mother make meals for you and the children? Can someone pay for a housekeeper? There are practical ways to ameiliorate, that is, change for the better, this situation by taking the housework/meal prep off of your shoulders. Can one of your siblings keep the children for a few hours on the weekend? Does your own family know that you are dealing with incredible turmoil and you need their help? tdandh26, have you talked to your family about this huge problem?


#13

I will pray for you. I have some of the same problems in myself.

(Tendancy to let the house slide, need tons of affection from dh even if he has worked himself to the bone, some problems with depression)

I don’t have any brilliant advice, (I have NEVER done anything in the least way to be unfaithful) But I do know that having kids can be totally overwhelming for some women.

Your story touched me. There is one thing I can do for you though, I will offer up my own houskeeping for your marriage and family. (This will have the double benifit for providing me with a fantastic motivation to keep up my house.;)) I will, right now, offer this intention for the rest of my life. Even if, someday, I forget I have done so, be assured that the Lord will not forget, and so, I will be praying for your family (hopefully) for many decades.

God bless you, and hang in there.
There is no greater gift you can give your children than to love their mother. :slight_smile:


#14

It certainly seems that your wife needs to be diagnosed by a competent mental health professional before you can do anything. Whatever her problem is it needs to be addressed before she can work with you on fixing the marriage. A friend of mine had a husband who was depressed but would not admit it or see a therapist so she made some appointments for marriage counseling even though she knew that wasn’t the problem. She got her husband to go (she went with him of course) and within 3 appointments he was able to see his depression and then was able to let himself get help. I know it seems sneaky but your situation seems desperate. And I know you stated you won’t go back to counseling with her because she lied. Is there anyone else she would go to counseling with and tell the truth? Maybe her Dad? I just don’t know how you would get her there but maybe you could give it some thought. You mentioned she was in the hospital. Could you mention to her MD that you think she should have a psychiatric evaluation? Maybe he could screen her in the office without her knowing you put him up to it. Maybe she’ll take offers of help from other people since she won’t take it from you.

I admire the fact that you are trying to stay in the marriage right now because you want to protect your children from the ugliness and uncertainty of divorce even though you want out. I’ll pray for strength for you, that your wife will be open to receiving help and that your children will not be harmed anymore by living in this situation.

You might want to check out a site called Marriage Builders and also Retrouvaille. There are threads here about Retrouvaille that you can check out. They teach spouses a different way to communicate with each other.

Six children in ten years and an unstable marriage is an awful lot to handle. Please explain it to your family and ask them to help you. I think counseling for yourself would be a good idea too if you could manage it. You definately need support in this situation. I’ll be praying for you.


#15

I just read Siena’s post and wanted to say I thought it was beautiful and very thoughtful.


#16

[quote=Siena]I will pray for you. I have some of the same problems in myself.

(Tendancy to let the house slide, need tons of affection from dh even if he has worked himself to the bone, some problems with depression)

I don’t have any brilliant advice, (I have NEVER done anything in the least way to be unfaithful) But I do know that having kids can be totally overwhelming for some women.

Your story touched me. There is one thing I can do for you though, I will offer up my own houskeeping for your marriage and family. (This will have the double benifit for providing me with a fantastic motivation to keep up my house.;)) I will, right now, offer this intention for the rest of my life. Even if, someday, I forget I have done so, be assured that the Lord will not forget, and so, I will be praying for your family (hopefully) for many decades.

God bless you, and hang in there.
There is no greater gift you can give your children than to love their mother. :slight_smile:
[/quote]

Thank you so very much, I know that all of your prayers are helping me. I have felt strenghtened truely. I even woke up this morning with a strong feeling of comfort that everything will be ok. I think God is answering your prayers thank you soo much. She actually has been very nice today, and I went out of my way to bring her coffee home and buy her a candy bar. I know this doesnt sound like much but it made her happy. I think that a lot of it is me. I guess I am learning that my own pride may be a problem too. I think that rather than finding her faults I need to see my lack of doing the little things as a problem. I have done this today and my anger has turned into a humbling experience for myself as I can see I have faults too.

When I woke up this morning a thought took over my mind that seemed almost to speak to me and said “why do you look at the splinter in your wifes eye when you cannot even see the plank in your own.” God is good, and if I focus on my imperfections hers dont seem so bad. Im learning about humility and maybe that is why God is allowing this to happen.

Thank you all so very much, God Bless You all. :heart:


#17

It is nice to be able to get some things off your chest. Prayers are amazingly comforting too. I am glad you are feeling better.


#18

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