By Phil Maggitti
VATICAN CITY - Newly elected pope, Benedict XVI, expressed “grave doubts” about Paris Hilton’s moral fiber in his first encyclical, Osethay Igbay Ollywoodhay Utslays, published yesterday by Papal Press (255 pages, $25 euro).
Writing in Pig Latin, a little used apostolic dialect, Pope Benedict, who is LXXVIII, tore into Hilton, calling her an “alsefay iendfray” (false friend) for dumping her “Simple Life” co-star Nicole Richie, who still had two years remaining on her contract.
A contract is sacred and binding and not to be taken lightly," wrote Benedict XVI. “God does not smile on those who ignore contractual obligations in order to advance their own frivolous agendae.”
Hinting that he knew the “ealray easonray” (real reason) for the split between Hilton and Richie, the pontiff warned that he might not choose to remain “ilentsay” forever.
Although Paris Hilton could not be reached for comment, her publicist—and a motel heiress in her own right—Fiona Redroof, issued the following statement today: “Paris deeply regrets that the pope’s best friend just died, but she thinks it’s time she stopped apologizing for the Sidekick hacking affair. After all, how difficult is it to change your phone number?”
Papal scholars attach great significance to the pope’s selection of Osethay Igbay Ollywoodhay Utslays (Those Big Hollywood Sluts) as the topic of his first encyclical.
вЂњInstead of using the occasion to thank his sponsors, family, friends, fellow cardinals, and ‘Supreme Being,’ as pope’s usually do, Benedict is telling people that he intends to be more liberal and accommodating than the last guy (Pope John Paul II), whose butt was so tight you could sharpen a pencil in it."
This according to colorful and outspoken Cardinal Marcello Bellanotte, who sees Osethay Igbay Ollywoodhay Utslays as a sign that Benedict XVI is reaching out to “average people everywhere” and showing that he shares their concerns.
Other "igbay utslays "whom the new pope criticized included Mariah Carey for “amelay ehaviorbay” (truly lame-*** public behavior), Lindsay Lohan for “akefay ittiestay” (baring false breasts against her neighbors), and Jennifer Lopez for “uttbay ombasticbay” (carrying a congealed deadly weapon).
In related news, Fox announced that it will continue “our tradition” of pairing Hilton with the daughters of washed-up singers by signing Kimberly Stewart to play the role of Hilton’s hired friend in “Simple Life.”
Yes, this is a joke*