Pope Benedict XVI Attacks Paris Hilton


#1

By Phil Maggitti
VATICAN CITY - Newly elected pope, Benedict XVI, expressed “grave doubts” about Paris Hilton’s moral fiber in his first encyclical, Osethay Igbay Ollywoodhay Utslays, published yesterday by Papal Press (255 pages, $25 euro).

Writing in Pig Latin, a little used apostolic dialect, Pope Benedict, who is LXXVIII, tore into Hilton, calling her an “alsefay iendfray” (false friend) for dumping her “Simple Life” co-star Nicole Richie, who still had two years remaining on her contract.

A contract is sacred and binding and not to be taken lightly," wrote Benedict XVI. “God does not smile on those who ignore contractual obligations in order to advance their own frivolous agendae.”

Hinting that he knew the “ealray easonray” (real reason) for the split between Hilton and Richie, the pontiff warned that he might not choose to remain “ilentsay” forever.

Although Paris Hilton could not be reached for comment, her publicist—and a motel heiress in her own right—Fiona Redroof, issued the following statement today: “Paris deeply regrets that the pope’s best friend just died, but she thinks it’s time she stopped apologizing for the Sidekick hacking affair. After all, how difficult is it to change your phone number?”

Papal scholars attach great significance to the pope’s selection of Osethay Igbay Ollywoodhay Utslays (Those Big Hollywood Sluts) as the topic of his first encyclical.

“Instead of using the occasion to thank his sponsors, family, friends, fellow cardinals, and ‘Supreme Being,’ as pope’s usually do, Benedict is telling people that he intends to be more liberal and accommodating than the last guy (Pope John Paul II), whose butt was so tight you could sharpen a pencil in it."

This according to colorful and outspoken Cardinal Marcello Bellanotte, who sees Osethay Igbay Ollywoodhay Utslays as a sign that Benedict XVI is reaching out to “average people everywhere” and showing that he shares their concerns.

Other "igbay utslays "whom the new pope criticized included Mariah Carey for “amelay ehaviorbay” (truly lame-*** public behavior), Lindsay Lohan for “akefay ittiestay” (baring false breasts against her neighbors), and Jennifer Lopez for “uttbay ombasticbay” (carrying a congealed deadly weapon).

In related news, Fox announced that it will continue “our tradition” of pairing Hilton with the daughters of washed-up singers by signing Kimberly Stewart to play the role of Hilton’s hired friend in “Simple Life.”

Yes, this is a joke*


#2

that the most moronic think i have ever heard, the pope will never lower himself to the level of PARIS HILTON (my personal view is that she is a BMW with the engine of a scooter: GREAT BODY, WORTHLESS BRAIN)

AND YES I KNOW ITS A JOKE, BUT YOU WASTED 3.3 MIN OF MY LIFE, AND I WANT THEM BACK SO…PRAY FOR ME AND MY FAMILY 3.5 MIN


#3

Get Thee Sense Satan…


#4

[quote=RyanL]By Phil Maggitti
VATICAN CITY - Newly elected pope, Benedict XVI, expressed “grave doubts” about Paris Hilton’s moral fiber in his first encyclical, Osethay Igbay Ollywoodhay Utslays, published yesterday by Papal Press (255 pages, $25 euro).

Writing in Pig Latin, a little used apostolic dialect, Pope Benedict, who is LXXVIII, tore into Hilton, calling her an “alsefay iendfray” (false friend) for dumping her “Simple Life” co-star Nicole Richie, who still had two years remaining on her contract.

A contract is sacred and binding and not to be taken lightly," wrote Benedict XVI. “God does not smile on those who ignore contractual obligations in order to advance their own frivolous agendae.”

Hinting that he knew the “ealray easonray” (real reason) for the split between Hilton and Richie, the pontiff warned that he might not choose to remain “ilentsay” forever.

Although Paris Hilton could not be reached for comment, her publicist—and a motel heiress in her own right—Fiona Redroof, issued the following statement today: “Paris deeply regrets that the pope’s best friend just died, but she thinks it’s time she stopped apologizing for the Sidekick hacking affair. After all, how difficult is it to change your phone number?”

Papal scholars attach great significance to the pope’s selection of Osethay Igbay Ollywoodhay Utslays (Those Big Hollywood Sluts) as the topic of his first encyclical.

“Instead of using the occasion to thank his sponsors, family, friends, fellow cardinals, and ‘Supreme Being,’ as pope’s usually do, Benedict is telling people that he intends to be more liberal and accommodating than the last guy (Pope John Paul II), whose butt was so tight you could sharpen a pencil in it."

This according to colorful and outspoken Cardinal Marcello Bellanotte, who sees Osethay Igbay Ollywoodhay Utslays as a sign that Benedict XVI is reaching out to “average people everywhere” and showing that he shares their concerns.

Other "igbay utslays "whom the new pope criticized included Mariah Carey for “amelay ehaviorbay” (truly lame-*** public behavior), Lindsay Lohan for “akefay ittiestay” (baring false breasts against her neighbors), and Jennifer Lopez for “uttbay ombasticbay” (carrying a congealed deadly weapon).

In related news, Fox announced that it will continue “our tradition” of pairing Hilton with the daughters of washed-up singers by signing Kimberly Stewart to play the role of Hilton’s hired friend in “Simple Life.”
[/quote]

:ehh:

[quote=RyanL]Yes, this is a joke*
[/quote]

:hmmm: just a tad tastless.


#5

:hmmm: just a tad tastless.
[/quote]

“she” is more than a tad tasteless…:yup: , as is the joke


#6

[quote=miguel delgado]that the most moronic think i have ever heard, the pope will never lower himself to the level of PARIS HILTON (my personal view is that she is a BMW with the engine of a scooter: GREAT BODY, WORTHLESS BRAIN)

[/quote]

BMW! :rotfl:

At first I was thinking it was some piece that the Hilton crew might have “leaked” to the liberal press. :bigyikes:

Then farther down it got too ridiculous so I realized it was Not Intended To Be Convincingly Real.

How much would someone like her pay, I wondered, to actually have the Vatican release such a statement? Her sales would multiply worldwide overnight! :twocents:

AND YES I KNOW ITS A JOKE, BUT YOU WASTED 3.3 MIN OF MY LIFE, AND I WANT THEM BACK SO…PRAY FOR ME AND MY FAMILY 3.5 MIN

I’ll pray for you and your family for 3.5 minutes, and raise you another 3.5. If you need a coat, I’ll offer some gloves too.

But of course, your faith is probably stronger than mine so you won’t waste your time checking this thread to find out that we are praying for you. :wink:

Alan


#7

[quote=RyanL]Yes, this is a joke*
[/quote]

Well that was obvious from the third paragraph:

[quote=RyanL]A contract is sacred and binding and not to be taken lightly," wrote Benedict XVI. “God does not smile on those who ignore contractual obligations in order to advance their own frivolous agendae.”
[/quote]

“*agendae” is false Latin. :stuck_out_tongue:
(agenda is already plural – “things to be done” – a singular “thing to be done” is an agendum)

tee


#8

**I thought it was true.:eek: Don’t scare me like that! I was even about to go and read the encyclical at the Vatican’s website. **


#9

Very bad joke. Not even the kind where you chuckle, but feel guilty for it.

I didn’t enjoy it on any level, sinful or not sinful.

And it’s not particularly insulting to His Holiness, because it’s too ridiculous. But the joke is still vulgar.


#10

Oh, my goodness!!! :o


#11

In the doc’s office the other day I read an article a couple years old about Jessica Simpson.

I don’t keep up on stars, so I have no idea if she’s still this way, but the article said she supposedly honored her family’s custom of virginity and is happily married and monogamous. I don’t remember what religion she was.

It was refreshing that one of these “look alikes” even though they do make pretty “sexy” photo models, at least promotes chastity.

Or at least she did a couple years ago.

Alan


#12

I apologize if anyone was offended…I posted the article because I thought it was funny. I came across it while looking for the Holy Father’s new encyclical (anyone know when it should come out?). This was simply the first link on my google search…thought a little levity would be a change…

God Bless,
RyanL


#13

[quote=Thomas More]Very bad joke. Not even the kind where you chuckle, but feel guilty for it.

I didn’t enjoy it on any level, sinful or not sinful.

And it’s not particularly insulting to His Holiness, because it’s too ridiculous. But the joke is still vulgar.
[/quote]

Oh come on it was just a little funny! :wink:


#14

[quote=RyanL]I apologize if anyone was offended…I posted the article because I thought it was funny. I came across it while looking for the Holy Father’s new encyclical (anyone know when it should come out?). This was simply the first link on my google search…thought a little levity would be a change…

God Bless,
RyanL
[/quote]

I thought it was pretty good, actually…


#15

So- as a Catholic loyal to the Pope, should I be trying to “save” the woman or the hotel?


#16

Way to go RyanL. I actually did think it was funny.


#17

[quote=RyanL]I apologize if anyone was offended…I posted the article because I thought it was funny. I came across it while looking for the Holy Father’s new encyclical (anyone know when it should come out?). This was simply the first link on my google search…thought a little levity would be a change…

God Bless,
RyanL
[/quote]

Apparently there is Too Much Gravity for there to be any levity about this. :tsktsk:

You see, I was hoping to see a knock-down drag out fight between the pope and a pop icon. Kind of like spiritual mud wrestling. Then I get here and find it’s a joke. Gosh, I came in all like thinking this would be a good ol’ showdown as if at High Noon. The new sheriff’s a callin’ her out! :smiley:

I think that’s the real reason some of us are disappointed. We thought we were going to get some “real” action. We really didn’t expect the Holy Father to stoop to this level, but still wouldn’t it be fun to see our leader go after this woman we’ve discussed at length on this forum and decided that she’s No Good. It’s just a matter of teasing us. About the same time we realize for certain it’s a joke, we feel a little let down. :confused:

Either that, or maybe there is another answer to why there is no levity. There may actually be gravity at all. There is a theory about the physical universe that there really is no gravity.

Of course when I say “we” I’m only talking about me, myself, and I, plus whatever personalities don’t happen to be showing right now. Nobody else on this forum, of course, would have been so childish to have felt let down to find this much-needed action against Cultural America wasn’t Actually Being Taken.

It’s hard to say which way to have gone. If you had not specifically said it was a joke, then people would have been able to bask in the idea that our Holy Father is living up to his reputation as a no-nonsense Real Man for maybe just a couple minutes longer, even though it defies all logic.

The problem, I think, is it looked almost semi-realistic at the beginning. Your disclaimer maybe should have been at the beginning: “caution: do not get your hopes up that the following farce may actually be real. If you take life ‘seriously’ then read at your own risk for you will be tempted but not satisfied.”

Either that or maybe one of those big grins at the beginning of the thread. That way people know right away to look for reasons to be offended by the joke the first time through instead of having to go through the second time – knowing it is a farce – looking for juicy details to get us Most Highly Offended even though it takes twice as long as just saying, “oh this is an attempt at humor and I wanted to see a fight, not a joke.”

Thanks for the attempt at levity. It worked on me.

But then again, there can only be levity if there is gravity, and apparently there is none. The world just, well, you know. We must stay coolly intellectual at all times unless we’re specifically posting in a thread where we have gone astray from the topic. This is how people will know that Catholics are truly the ones they want to emulate – we comport ourselves as if religion is all about being “stiff” and “serious” like a royal guard or something.

If anybody is offended, then I also apologize. I’m sorry they are so sensitive; maybe with some Spiritual Direction they can learn to get along with others better without thinking that THEY are somehow conspiring against us. Then again it’s for Their Spiritual Benefit that these tests come about so it’s a good thing we caught them early while some still have life let to potentially enjoy. Of course all those threads about being paranoid and stuff is all supposed to be a joke, right? Right? :eek: Oops I just realized I am posting without the colander on my head.

Alan


#18

[quote=MrS]“she” is more than a tad tasteless…:yup: , as is the joke
[/quote]

That’s why I thought it was funny. I have no taste. :nerd:

Apparently God must not either, for he loves me. :love:

I figure I’m in good company. :thumbsup:

Alan


#19

It was tasteless but funny. It’s possible to be both (witness Monty Python). Lighten up, people, or folks will want to use your backsides to sharpen their pencils!


#20

[quote=AlanFromWichita]That’s why I thought it was funny. I have no taste.

Apparently God must not either,** for he loves me. **

I figure I’m in good company.

Alan
[/quote]

And He love Paris too (some love Paris in the springtime :whacky: ).

However… as much as He may love Paris, we know it chose NOT to stay at the Hilton 2000 years ago.:bowdown2:


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