My husband and I have been married for twelve years and we have six children. We have always had a good intimate relationship and experience the marital act whenever we can, (given that we have six small kids and are currently trying to avoid pregnancy,) about three or four times a week three weeks a month. We never argue, maybe once a year or less. We have what I have always thought of as a really great marriage, in other words.
My husband usually awakens before I do. The other day I woke up earlier than usual and he was not in the dining room or kitchen, so I went to his home office to say good morning. I opened the door and could see a nude woman moving on the computer screen as my husband scrambled to cover himself. I said "What are you doing?!" and he said, in a small voice, "looking at porn." I closed the door and walked off in shock. I came back a minute later and we had the first of a few conversations about it.
He says he has done it maybe two or three times and that he knows it is wrong, and he is very sorry. I am so incredibly hurt and I feel so betrayed. He was doing it while I am fertile, he says, and that's the only times. He told me he was thinking of me, not the women on the screen. I find all of this difficult to believe.
The worst part is the feeling of being hit out of the blue. I am absolutely available to my husband in an intimate way whenever i can be, I am attractive, and I am fit. I am not shrewish. I swear, I thought we had everything right!
I love him so much, and our life, and our family together. How can I trust him again? The rollercoaster of emotion is awful. I think I am kind of past it and then I'm not.
I know many non Catholics might thing this is not a big deal and I should just be uncaring. But to me it is like he committed adultery. I know the pain of adultery must be lke this but so much worse, I don't mean to liken my pain to that of a betrayed spouse, but it is that way in kind.
I don't even know why I posted, or what I'm looking for here. I'm just so hurt. I hope this is not too explicit a topic for this forum but I was unsure of where to go.