I am new to this, but i feel i need some guidance and i can’t seem to find it anywhere. I am a young wife and mother, just married a little over a year and am learnig how tough it is to be married. Just recently i was crushed to discover my husband has a problem with pornography. ive confronted him many times, but i feel he is still trapped and bonded by this sin. evvery day i feel worse about myself, helpless and disgusted. i still cant believe the stuff he’s looked at… my mind and spirit is not at rest …and im not sure what to do. if someone has some advice or some direction i can take, it would be very helpful . thank you
Welcome! And congratulations on your recent wedding. I’ll be praying for your situation.
Does your husband know that you know about his problem? You would follow different paths depending on whether he knows.
Does he know/understand how sinful and hurtful it is to you? Again, this would also indicate different courses of action with him.
When you say you are disturbed about what he is looking at - please do not share any details. But, if there is anything illegal in them, do be concerned and consult someone you trust on what to do.
As I understand it, pornography is either an addiction, or compulsion, depending on what medical group you ask. He will not overcome the problem without help, and you are by far in the best position to help.
www.dads.org has resources that can help your husband overcome his pornography addiction if he is willing to do so.
Pornography shows totally unrealistic situations. If you can manage to see the jocular side of it you might be able to tease him out of it. Certainly you’ll do a lot for your own mental health.
However I appreciate that it isn’t always easy. Don’t blame yourself if you can’t be strong. This might sound silly, but don’t try to compete with the pornography stars either.
Yes my husband knows that I know. About 5 months ago he confessed to his problem after i found some sites visited on our computer. we prayed for hours and felt so new and fresh, like a new beginning. but then recently i found out he’s been looking at porn for a while now. nothing illegal, just disturbing to me, making me feel completely unsatisfying to him. He DOES understand it is sinful and hurtful to me… and to him, i just still dont understnad WHY he is drawn to it. i wonder sometimes what else he hides from me. and a whole list of doubts come rushing to my mind. its such a madness, but i know it is wrong to doubt him. i love him so much and WANT to trust him so badly, but i dont want to get crushed again.
I went through this last year several times when I had just married my husband. Have you told him what that makes you feel? I told DH (dear husband) that it made me feel like I wasn’t enough for him. He promised it wouldn’t happen again but I caught it about 4 times last yr. Is there any way you can get a filter on the computer if he says it’s ok? DH had asked me to put a password on the computer so he wouldn’t be able to use it, or to just sit next to him when he was using it. I hated that so it only lasted a few wks.
If it’s an addiction, you may need couseling. Dh told me this was an addiction since he was 12 yrs old (thanks to his so-called buddies). He hasn’t seen any in a while, but I don’t know if he’s actually kicked the habit out the door.
You have to let your Dh know it hurts you as a woman, as his wife, and as a mother. It’s very disrespectful to you and to your children. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want your son/daughter to ever see those images…
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ll pray for you.
Thanks for sharing - it sounds like the only obstacle to overcome is the compulsion/additction, since he already knows cognitively that it is wrong.
Definitely check out dads.org/.
Some things you can do right now:
- Understand that he is NOT looking at the pornography because he feels there is anything lacking in you. The high from sneaking, and seeing things he is not supposed to see is what he is compelled to.
- Do not draw conclusions, or gain distrust in him because of this. It is most-likely an isolated event, which unfortunately is the single main “problem” of many godly men. He trusted you enough to not lie, and to share his problem with you - so consider yourself lucky.
- Move the computer to a location where it is clearly visible to each of you.
- Install parental control software (he’ll probably love doing that), so many of these sites are just not accessible.
- LIke a sponsor in AA, you need to hold him accountable - although you may want him to find a male friend to be “hard-lined” about it. He probably knows the “pattern” of when he is drawn in. Set up a communication system that both interrupts his schedule, and gets him thinking about you, rather than the porn.
- Understand that he will fall again, and let him know he can bring that struggle to you.
- Recognize that you are upset with the Devil’s control over this aspect of your husband’s life, and try to not be upset with your husband himself.
Monalisa, I don’t have any advice except for you to pray for your husband. Join us here on this thread to pray to Saint Monica for him. You and your husband are in my prayers. I understand how painful this is for you, all I can tell you is pray. God love you.
What Teme said.
Also, getting in the habit of saying the Rosary together is very helpful, even if you can not finish it in one sitting. Understand as a couple in Marriage that with each Hail Mary and Our Father, the Holy Spirit is showering you, your husband and child with graces to protect you all. A Rosary a Day Keeps the Devil Away.
Just to think about - does he regularly deny you or do you regularly deny him, intimacy? In a young marriage don’t underestimate the Unitive power of your intimacy.
A couple tips: Father Corapi’s website (www.fathercorapi.com) has some CDs about being a Slave to Sin, and CDs on Addiction. You might find yourself spending $10-$20, getting a great great great audio CD that might help your husband.
Secondly… Pornography often is a completely “second life” of a person who is addicted – almost to the point where maybe you husband is your husband for 23 hours and 30 mintues a day… but for a brief 30 minutes, he falls into his other mind, a mind more animalistic that triggers and fires like animal insticts do – and these do not opperate within reason. …What I’m saying here is, YOU and what you do for him, or how attracted he is to you, does not fall into the equation. I know it might sound hard to understand, but the wiring of a male’s mind addicted to pornography truly can take on “instances” of addiction. Porn may not even be a temptation during the day at work, or may not even be on his might during the day or while hes going to a movie, or talking with you… but suddenly when a condition/situation occurs, the instict clicks.
Maybe its removing the temptation— taking away the internet, or putting up blocks on the internet. Kind of like rehab, when no alcohol is allowed into the building.
You aren’t alone, and your husband is not someone who is falling victim to a rare addition-- its more common that many are comfortable thinking about. There are happy happy marriages all over the place, but occasionally while cleaning out the garage, a wife or kid finds dad’s playboy collection from the 70s or 80s… Well, the internet is not a ridiculous temptation. A man’s mind feeds off images, and the internet can upload images/videos at an alarming rate. Having access to internet porn, and trying or hoping for your husband to quit, is like hoping brakes work on a truck thats sliding down an icy hil. The intentions of the driver my truly be inline with wanting to stop… by in reality, it might be much harder.
Again, I dont’ know your husband, but just following #s… odds are it has ZERO to do with you, and it’s only the fact that he was exposed to it at one point, and like pavlov’s dogs, he’s forever salavated when the bell rings-- again, not your fault.
Good luck in your situation. Good luck to your husband. I’ve heard priests say that the holiest of men, the best of husbands still confess to the habitual sin of pornography.
Hopefully a steady diet of confession, prayer, and an environment to which porn isn’t quite as accessible… you’ll be able to defeat this situation!
Monalisa, I’m so sorry for your pain. Marriage ain’t easy.:o
In looking at pornography…your husband most likely doesn’t look at you like you don’t measure up…although, I can see your fear that you are being secretly compared. The reality of porn that many people don’t realize is that it not only objectifies women, as a whole, but it also tears down the very soul of the person doing it. If the devil came to us with a pitchfork in hand, and red horns–who would buy into that? But the porn industry has made oodles of money, in tempting men to sin. The sin of lust. The sin of objectifying women. The sin of looking at sex as a selfish act of gratification. In the course of all of this sinning going on, your husband loses his soul.
Perhaps the best route to take with your husband, beyond being angry for a time which is understandable…is to ask him how he feels about himself. Not women. Not you. Not sex. But, how does he view himself as a man. How does he see himself as a husband. I would suspect that he will be shocked with this line of questioning, but men who look at porn, have low self esteem. It has been studied over and over, and although, it can make a wife or gf feel low on their men’s list, it actually has been proven that most men who are addicted to porn, view themselves in a poor light. Get to the heart of that. **Our sins are not truly who we are, but rather are manifestations of our pain and fear. **
I wish I could provide some quick fix advice, but this one will take some time. As a wife, I would be very angry. But, in the midst of my anger…in the midst of your sadness and anger, you can help him, you know. You almost need to pull yourself out of this situation as his wife, and look at it with a fresh pair of eyes…as if you were objectively seeking to help a close friend. Truth is, other than God, our spouses are our closest friends…you can help him…God will give you the grace to do it. There are no white horses, as we are told as kids, thinking marriage ends up like a fairy tale. There are no fairy tales, and every marriage is tested to varying degrees. Every marriage. And God might have called you to work through…to ‘cure’ your husband of this addiction. God is amazing, and He will use us where we are. (and then maybe you can ride off into the sunset…never know):o
I will pray for you, monalisa.