Don't even know where to start. Some months ago I discovered my husband was emailing an old girlfriend on a sleezy online dating website. I was devastated to say the least. The emails were flirtatious and somewhat sexual. I confronted him of course, and he was very remorseful. Went on to explain that this woman meant nothing to him and so on. He agreed to counseling and have been going since.
As time has passed by I have come to realize who the real "mistress" is here. Porn. I will admit I knew he liked to watch it early in our relationship. I explained to him I did not like him to watch it and to stop. He agreed, but continued to do so over the years. I caught him watching many times and eventually just accepted it (what a mistake) as a guy thing. However, eventually our sex life would deteriorate (his disinterest) to nothing and then I find the e mails.
I now realize that his watching porn progressed until he eventually seeked out another woman. He promises he is not watching anymore, but how do I believe?
We are both catholic, unfortunately not as involved as we should have been. I see now that was an even greater mistake. I see this event as an opportunity for my faith to grow. I struggle each day, with God's help, not to obsess and try to control for those are my reactions. I try to let go and let God, to have faith that He is working in us both to heal and combat this evil.
My worry and question is how do I handle a situation in which my husband cannot or will not stop watching. Considering his past history that very well may happen. I will confess that what I would like to do is to take both of my little boys and leave him, for the thought of him continuing to watch feels me with dread and hurt. I know that I "accepted" this behavior from him since the beginning, but I was raised to just "take it" (father cheated on my mother most of their marriage and she never did anything about it and their marriage was bad). I never imagined this end result. As usual I second guessed myself and convinced myself I was exaggerating. Well, not anymore. God has given me strength to confront this evil, I do not want to use it wrongly and leave my husband for that is the temptation.
I am praying for patience and wisdom in handling this situation, but I truly do not know what to do if I discover my husband continuing to do this. He is a great man, who had a difficult childhood and because of this, I believe, he turned to porn in his early years.
Please pray and advise. I know divorce is not an option, but how do I handle the pain of his continued use?