I am an engaged grad student (male) temporarily living with another guy from school. He is not Catholic, but we generally get along despite our differences.
Anyway, to cut to the chase, today I found pornography in his room when I was borrowing his radio. It wasn’t hidden. It was actually stacked beside the radio. Well, I threw it out with the trash…literally!
I wasn’t snooping around for it. I am even willing to give him the few DVDs that I own in order to make-up for the monetary loss (which was actually lost when the smut was purchased). The bottom line is: I didn’t want that stuff in our apartment and I’m not certain that he would have thrown it away on his own accord had we spoken about it, so I took matters into my own hands.I’m not looking for a pat on the back…just advice. He will eventually notice it isn’t there or I’ll just bring it up. Either way it will get addressed.

Thanks and God bless


What you did was wrong despite the seemingly good intention that prompted you to do it. You owe your roommate an immediate apology, reimbursement and a promise not to disturb ANY of his belongings in the future.


I understand the WHY of throwing it out–but it’s not your property, and this isn’t a marriage. I would talk to him about it, but if he refuses to stop buying this material and leaving it out where you can see it–then you might need to look elsewhere to live. I think it’s admirable of you to throw it away–let’s hope he agrees, and you won’t have to look for another roommate or another place to live!!:slight_smile:


Yeah, I see your point. However, I can’t help but feel like an enabler in my own home!


Yeah, you are right. I will speak to him about it. Thank you.


I understand why you did it. Maybe, just maybe, he will see the Light. Never know–he might kick the habit because of your encouragement. Let us know how your talk goes, k?:slight_smile:


Dude, you can’t throw out his property:rotfl:


:smiley: that’s one way of putting it, I guess.


If it was in a **common **space, then you would have every right to adress it-- ask him to keep in his room and let him know you do not want it in the common space. If he then *continued *to leave it in the common space, I think throwing it away would be appropriate. But, not without even talking to him about it.

If it was in his private room already, wow-- you were out of bounds completely.

Too bad you didn’t discuss house rules before moving in together.


He is an adult and does have the right to buy what ever he wants in his apartment.

While I hate porn, and it did ruin my marriage, he pays rent same as you, no? Sounds like he kept it in his room - where you really do not belong, and it is his.

You owe him an apology - but a heart to heart would be good also.

I do understand where you are coming from,however.


is he living in your home? you were entirely within your rights, just as if he had brought in pot

are you living in his home? you went out of bounds, should have asked him to keep it out of sight in the common rooms you both use, and explained why

are you both paying rent?
lay down ground rules for common areas, what can be stored there, used there, done there, and what stays in private areas.
do you really want to live with somebody like this?


Thank you guys for all the encouragement and sincere, straight forward advice. I brought it up as soon as I returned home. He figured it out already because I left him a note informing him that I used the radio and didn’t think about how I was disarming his alarm that is programmed into the radio. I didn’t want him to oversleep tomorrow. Anyway, he noticed the movies weren’t there and figured Mr. Zealous had done something with them. I brought it up, gave him a sincere apology, told him to think about how much I owe him monetarily, told him that the incident would not be brought up to those that know us, I wouldn’t go back into his room without him knowing, and that I would basically stay out of his private life.
He is more introverted than me…more docile. He’s an inward thinker, so I know his wheels are spinning about the whole moral side to this issue…no need to cause him more embarrassment than I have so far. If he ever wants to talk about it, I’m game.
It is funny though because we actually got into a conversation about pornography this weekend and I passed-on what a priest once told me about the actual chemical change that occurs as a result of watching it and how it can wharp the sexual desires of a human to the point that he/she can’t even be arroused by another human. He thought that it made sense. This was before I even knew he had that in his room. I guess I should’ve let things be today, especially being that our conversation the other day may have planted a seed. Once again, I over-do it. Lord, please help me!


I think it is great that you were honest with him and offered to pay for it…and talked to him as a friend. All in all I am sure that he is at least reconsidering his interest.


I am not going to be as harsh as some here. I can see some real value in what you did, especially since you are going to compensate him. Though I would suggest that, as you already said, you not do it again.

The fact that you had a conversation about this a few days ago makes it even more interesting.

Perhaps one less soul in the devil’s grip? :hmmm:


Yeah, not to beat the dead horsey, but I really shouldn’t have acted the way I did today…ESPECIALLY since we had that conversation the other day. Oh well, we both learned something today I think. Nice touch with the Father Corapi quote though! Listening to him will convince you that you can run through a brick wall!


I didn’t know porn can literally ‘change’ someone’s thinking…wow, that is wild. Thank you for sharing the update!


Yeah, I believe scientifically that it is along the same lines as what you eat. For example, if you eat too much candy and sweets, then you will acquire an appetite that will tolerate nothing short of the confections that it is used to…another reason why good eating habits in children are so important. I believe you can sort of program your child’s appetite for later to a certain extent.
What’s cool about the porn issue (wow that’s contradictory) is that I saw the same message on a case of C.S.I. The detective was trying to figure out whether or not a young man killed a girl that he was obsessed with. The killer didn’t sexually assault the victim though! The detective was almost sure that a certain young man did it, and also found out that he was addicted to porn. The detective told this same message to the boy’s girlfriend. The girlfriend said that he wasn’t attracted to her anymore and couldn’t be intimate without the porn on…same message the priest said…that’s crazy! I was actually impressed with network T.V. for once.


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