Possible Infertility and Dating


#1

:confused: I’ve been mulling this in my mind:

A little background: I have endometriosis, which could potentially cause infertility – about a 1 in 3 – chance. Being someone that’s discerning what God wants me to do with my life, I’ve come upon a conundrum. If I am called to marriage, how should this be presented to a spouse? I’d feel like I’d be lying if I didn’t say something about it. I know that infertility is not an impediment to marriage.

My question is this:

Ladies: if you’ve or someone you know has gone through this, what did you do?
Gents: how and when would you like to know about this?

Thanks so much in advance!


#2

Good question. Probably not immediately, but not after too long either. It’s a degree of intimacy, and probably doesn’t belong out there on the first date. There are plenty of other things that you can get to know about each other, before moving to this deeper level. Of course, it all depends on what kind of emotional intimacy is being created, or how quickly you are getting to know each other.

Pray and seek God’s timing. The Lord will provide.


#3

My advice from experience is to tell him the truth (not on the first date - but when it looks like the relationship has potential for marriage. I waited for him to start talking about the future, marriage, children, etc. first.)

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and when my spouse and I were seriously dating, I told him about it and that it can cause infertility. He said if that happens, we will adopt.

Fast-forward 8 years later - we are adopting our first child, who will be born next week! :tada:


#4

Like Becky, I have PCOS. Mine is pretty severe, I never have any menstrual cycles and never ovulate on my own. When I was dating my now husband, it waited until things were looking like it had a potential for marriage before it was brought up. It was never an issue to DH because he knew that if we were meant to have children, then it would happen, one way or another.

Well, turned out he was right. After almost giving up on fertility treatments, I conceived my little bean I’m carrying now. By all rights and odds, I shouldn’t have conceived, but with God nothing is impossible.

I wouldn’t sweat about it. If things look serious and he truly loves you for you and is about following God’s Will in his life, he shouldn’t have an issue with it. It is a cross to bear, yes, but that shouldn’t stop him to go where his heart belongs.


#5

Infertility is not an impediment to marriage, nor to marital relations. And you can adopt children.


#6

I went through the same thing! I had endometriosis really badly (had 3 surgeries to clean me out) prior to my marriage. I was very honest to my (now) husband about it when we were dating. However, it wasn’t necessarily something I mentioned on the 1st date. I worried over it a lot too. I also have a strong family history of breast & ovarian cancer (its caught up w/ me already), so I was up-front w/ him about that as well.

Basically what I did was date & get comfortable w/ my guy w/o telling him about it. I did very early on imply that I was definitely going to want children (that was a make or break issue - openness to children). Once we got a bit further along (in the ‘If we get married…’ stage), I laid out some of my physical issues (endometriosis) and how that may affect our physical relationship & children. I didn’t get to wait to tell him about my family history of breast/ovarian cancer b/c when we met my mom was undergoing treatment for hereditary breast cancer. I cried on his shoulder & talked it all out w/ him. We had been dating for a couple months (we were sort of getting comfortable w/ the ‘If we get married…’ stage) already. It also helped me that my aunt & uncle had an adopted son, so when comments were made about how perfect he was for them, I could make comments like “If I can’t have children I’ll try to adopt some…”

I guess my best advice would be do what feels comfortable for you. For instance, if its obvious that you’re suffering w/ endo pain & he asks about it - tell him whatever you want to tell him. If you’re like I was & really good at hiding it, wait until you’re sure he’s ‘the one’ before you waste your breath & worry over his reaction. If you’re just really comfortable, tell him whenever you feel like it. Its all personal preference. Again, I wouldn’t spring it on someone the first date or anything, but if children are a make or break (whether natural or adopted) issue for you - you need to get it out in the open ASAP. Good luck! :thumbsup:


#7

That’s what adoption is for!!! :thumbsup:


#8

I have had three very serious relationships in my life, one turned into my husband. These turned into serious relationships in part because we talked about children right away, maybe a month after we started dating. We didn’t want to get too far into the relationship only to find out differing opinions about children if the time came for engagement. Now, I don’t know anything about endometriosis but if I had, that discussion would have been the perfect time to bring it up.


#9

Hi i have grade 4 endometriosis. I have 1 child who will be nine this year. i found out i had endo when he was age 6. We never use any form of contraception but i never fall pregnant. it is terrible pain and without my medication (northisterone) i menistrate all the time it just doesnt stop the last time that happened i bled for 3 months at the end of which i was in hospital inemic and ill and i slept 2 days. Anyway my other half and i already have a child together so we are lucky but we wanted a bigger family so the dissapointment is raw. But like others have said you could adopt. When you are not bleeding your body is getting a rest from your endo so why not ask your doctor about northisterone i take 5mg 3 times per day. in doing this you may slow the damage the endo will cause. My womb is half the size of a normal one one of my fallopian tubes is closed up the other shaped like a snake and adhesions all around the outside of the womb and my overies have cysts alot which are painfull they come hand in hand with endo. When i menistrate i have to crawl on my hands and knees to the toilet the pain is so severe i pray to god to help me and cry like a child.So dont wait find out now how to slow this down. As with endo i had a child so you might be able to aswell. goodluck. i just said a prayer for you. god bless.


#10

First: The disclaimer. I am somewhat old fashioned and consider dating beyond the third date to be courting.

I would want to know prior to the beginning of the courting period.
If you tell someone on the first date “Oh, by the bye, I may not be able to get pregnant”

You are putting the Christian man in a situation where he may turn away and not get the chance to truly know you and therefore may be cheated of you, his one true love.

You would also be putting the non-Christian man in a possible near occasion of sin as he may think this means you are ready to have sex at that point.

You must both be open to life. My wife is unable to conceive so we adopted. That is open to life!!!

You are a child of God, beautiful and loved. Not a baby making machine. Being infertile does not mean you are placed in the scratch and dent sale.

Pax,

Bryan


#11

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