Post abortive young woman starting over


#1

Long and short of it is, my conversion (which is always ongoing of course) came just under 3 years ago when I had an abortion and was totally devastated and driven to my knees because I didn't want to in the first place. I'm 22 now, and recently got involved with a Catholic gentleman where we both were looking for spouses and we were getting along so well and it seemed like this amazing, divine-order, perfect fit. When he heard I had an abortion he flat out said that he did not feel comfortable with someone who had an abortion carrying his child and that was pretty much the end of it. I am so hurt and distraught, because although I did a terrible thing, I am sorry for it and live with the pain every day and can't change it. I know I can't and don't want to make this man be with me if he doesn't want to, but gosh, can I have some assurance in knowing that's not a sound Catholic attitude on his part? My faith is number one and am as real and devoted as any could be. The abortion kills me everyday, and I did it under immense pressure and fear, and for someone to just say, "Sorry nope, you had an abortion, done." is so hurtful and makes me so sad. I understand it might be too much for some people but I guess I'm just looking for some kind words. I don't know. Anything anyone could add with regards to new points I haven't thought of or support would be of so much help and I would appreciate so much.


#2

Dear kah07,

I'm really sorry to hear what happened with this man. May God bless you with someone who will love and accept you. And may God grant you peace and healing.

You are super courageous in even coming forward with your story, and there is so much good you can do! Hearing about your conversion is so awesome.

If you ever want to talk to a friendly ear, you'd be welcome to send me a Private Message.

:hug1: :hug1: :hug1:

:blessyou:


#3

No doubt it was a shock to him.

However; you were absolutely right to be open and honest with him! If he cannot in return be Christian; forgiving and understanding then he isn't worth your time - that said; I am sure it might just be shock or surprise.

You made the right choice to Join the Church; you made the right Choice to be honest with your partner; you are clearly trying to turn away from sin, and although none of us are perfect; you are clearly trying.

His attitude is not a Catholic attitude. Even in the Lord's prayer it tells us to forgive the tresspasses of others; he should reflect on that.


#4

[quote="kah07, post:1, topic:209945"]
Long and short of it is, my conversion (which is always ongoing of course) came just under 3 years ago when I had an abortion and was totally devastated and driven to my knees because I didn't want to in the first place. I'm 22 now, and recently got involved with a Catholic gentleman where we both were looking for spouses and we were getting along so well and it seemed like this amazing, divine-order, perfect fit. When he heard I had an abortion he flat out said that he did not feel comfortable with someone who had an abortion carrying his child and that was pretty much the end of it. I am so hurt and distraught, because although I did a terrible thing, I am sorry for it and live with the pain every day and can't change it. I know I can't and don't want to make this man be with me if he doesn't want to, but gosh, can I have some assurance in knowing that's not a sound Catholic attitude on his part? My faith is number one and am as real and devoted as any could be. The abortion kills me everyday, and I did it under immense pressure and fear, and for someone to just say, "Sorry nope, you had an abortion, done." is so hurtful and makes me so sad. I understand it might be too much for some people but I guess I'm just looking for some kind words. I don't know. Anything anyone could add with regards to new points I haven't thought of or support would be of so much help and I would appreciate so much.

[/quote]

God bless you and your baby in heaven. I am very sorry that on top of the pain you already carry you're now carrying an additional and unwarranted hurt from somebody who couldn't see past one (repented and forgiven) mortal sin in your past to the person you truly are.

No, Catholic teaching is not "If you have had an abortion, no Catholic man will ever want you."

Suppose that this young man had once been pressured into drinking and driving, and crashed with the resultant death of a passenger. Suppose he lives with this pain every day, has made his peace with the victim's family, done whatever deemed legal restitution, and a couple of years later, meets a young woman and talks of marriage. Would he be hurt if she said, "Oh, I could never imagine marrying a man who killed somebody while driving drunk, I couldn't trust him not to do it again?" I think he would.
He might say, "Yes, I know it was a terrible thing, but I have paid the price, I have confessed, I have been forgiven. Why can't you forgive me if everybody else has?"

Unfortunately some people are not spiritually mature. Your young man may not have made his 'big mistake' yet. Rest assured that if he is like 99% of humanity --he will. If he is 'lucky' he'll make the mistake and not get 'caught' and not have it be a daily reminder. Maybe he'll have a sexual sin and justify it because "It was only once and nothing came from it'. . .as if that made it 'all right'. Maybe he'll be really good at justifying why HIS particular mortal sin isn't as bad as other people's mortal sin, and still feel free to go on judging.

Or maybe he'll be one of the people like you who *learn from their errors and become more Christ-like. *

Remember that St. Paul said that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. Just your recognizing that you were indeed weak, and your giving that weakness over to God and relying on Him instead, makes you strong in Him. Your sorrow and pain aren't empty -- you have learned from it how to be more caring, more responsible, and much less likely to be coerced into sin again.

I feel sorrier in a way for the young man for in dismissing you for such a reason he is the one who is the loser. You, on the other hand, are in a way better off without someone who would be so judgmental instead of being supporting and caring. If the young man is that judgmental about your past, any error you made in the future would probably be treated with the same kind of self-righteous dismissal.

I also encourage you, if you haven't done so already, to get in touch with the fine people at Rachel's Vineyard who can help so much with people who are dealing with post-abortive loss.

Again, God bless you. May He send you a young man who will go along with you as a helper and a friend in your journey with Christ on earth and may you find love and joy now and always.


#5

These responses of encouragement are so comforting and uplifting. I thank you so much for your support and prayers and well wishes. Thank you so much! It certainly softens the rejection sorrow and I could not be more appreciative and joyful that you would care enough to respond! Thank you and I'll pray for you all! May God Bless you, Mary guide you, and the Holy Angels protect you!


#6

Kah, how my heart breaks for you. I too had an abortion, many, many years ago when I was not a practicing Catholic and was with a horrible abusive individual. I know the pain that an abortion itself can cause a young woman, the guilt, the emotional and physical torment you go through. It's horrible and I cannot to this day believe I did it; I never believed in them. Hopefully you have had some counseling and have come to terms with the consequences so that you can find peace. Of course, turning to Christ, who is all loving was the right thing for you to do. Give your life to God and all things seem to fall into place.

Please know that the man you encountered had no right to judge you. None of us are without sin. There are many wonderful young men out there just waiting to meet you. Don't let this one guy ruin it for all those other great ones. Keep positive, keep looking and pray that God gives you the loving and kind partner that you deserve.

Be well and God bless you! ::o


#7

I am sorry for your pain. Have you looked into a post abortive retreat to get some healing for yourself? As to the young man, perhaps he was afraid that it could happen again and did not fully understand you are not the same individual you were in the past. Often as weak human beings we have a hard time looking past the mistakes of others and even ourselves.


#8

Dear Little sheep!
We are all sinners in our own ways! The important thing is to acknowledge our sins, be sorry and resolve with God's grace to NEVER do it again.

God loves us so much and if you as forgiveness, he will absolutely forgive you and you can go on with your life. Read the gospels and see how forgiving God is.

What your boyfriend did is not CATHOLIC approach but rather a pharisees'.It would be okey if he doesn't love you not because of your abortion because if God decide to count our sins, SURELY, no one will stand. NO ONE.Jesus said "forgive 7*70* this is the Catholic approach not shunning out the sinners.

I can feel you are truly sorry so go to confession and pray for him and for yourself. If you were meant to be together, he will come around. Otherwise God will send you another man. In the mean time say the rosaries, go to adoration and read the gospels.

Densy


#9

I understand the pain as I have experienced it since my abortion in 1996 when I was an Agnostic. I cannot write much about it right now because even though I have had a lot of healing through the Church it is still too overwhelming for me to discuss at times, especially right now since I am recently back in touch with the father of my child, whom I left right afterward. It has been 14 years and until he and I were back in touch I didn’t realize how much I was still holding onto him and her, my child. It opened a floodgate of feelings and pain and showed me that despite the healing I have had there is more to be done. I see now that I have been punishing myself for years by self-hatred for what I did. It crippled me and I feel as if my child is telling me that it’s okay to move on. I have known for a long time that she is with God. He lets me know and reminds me from time to time when the pain is too much or when I have to revert to denial in order to handle it, which is not healthy. I do offer my pain in reparation and for an end to abortion so that something of value might come of it. So that my child’s short life (8 weeks) will have had great purpose.

I didn’t want an abortion either. And, I have experienced judgement from other lay people as if we don’t suffer enough. In fact, I was just about to post a thread asking why some lay people condemn post abortive women if God does not. I understand to an extent, but the nerve of them, really. I am very sorry that you were rejected by this man due to having had an abortion that you would take back if you could and that you have since grieved. You need someone who will understand your grief and loss and support you toward healing, which I believe will be a lifelong process. I will remember you in my prayers for that and for your continued healing. Please pray those things for me as well. I have the understanding and support of my child’s father, but he is still far from the Church and I want someone to share my faith with. I pray for the conversion of his heart and I ask our child to as well because I know her forgiveness, love and intercession led me back to the Church. I will stop here since I didn’t mean for this to be so long. Feel free to pm me anytime. God Bless.


#10

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