It is the middle of the night and I can't get back to sleep, even after taking Ambien. My spouse, who has maintained one ongoing relationship with another man for three years now, left home to go to another city to see one male friend, stayed out until 2:30 in the morning with another this summer. Then, on a family camping trip with other families, I caught her in the arms of another man, a family friend, kissing at 1:30 a.m. by the deserted campfire.
I've avoided thoughts and actions toward divorce for years, struggling with my spouse's lies and anger, but I'm losing myself over these recent events. I can't sleep and I'm starting to fail at work. This last guy was "only a friend" and she "wasn't even really attracted to him" and she sorry and "was thinking of me the whole time." Yuck. They'd spent several days together a month previously.
Yes, we've been to multiple counselors through the years, even priests. I'm not searching for another spouse, and don't even know if annulment is a possibility. I just want to pick up my integrity and move on.
I had an encounter with God in the adoration chapel a month before this last event. Praying for the 10,000th time for guidance, I felt His presence. He was there, but he didn't tell me what to do. I felt, "I am with you always, regardless what may happen." Catching my spouse in the act later seems like the final sign. She hasn't seen anyone about this recent act and asked if I was going to move out . I had left last summer for several months. I told her this time I was going to divorce her.
I've prayed so long and have requested so many prayers for her conversion and for my perseverance. There have been times I've even told God I'm ready to go home, if that be His will (what a relief that would be). But he's left me here to continue on this journey. So, I do.
She wants to part on friendly terms and inexpensively, but won't give me the tax returns I need to put together the financials. We've told the kids we were divorcing, but she's doing stuff around the house every day and not really acting like our relationship is ending. I need to work toward wholeness again and knowing that I'm not just being used by a spouse who talks about God, but picks and chooses His rules to follow.
Prayers for a divorce seems like an oxymoronic topic n a Catholic forum, so please pray for my spouse, for me and for our children. Pray for His love to continue, despite lies and betrayal. Pray that forgiveness can be eventually had. And, pray always in thankfulness for His presence in my and your life.
Or, with me, pray for a miracle. All things are possible with Him.