Pray that I be delievered of porn addiction


#1

I’m 19 years old, and have struggled with an addiction to porn and sex since around 9 or 10. This is my story:

I want to say it started back in 1997. I liked to watch professional wrestling at that time, and part of the “entertainment” aspect of it was the girls that would appear on the show at times, sometimes rather scantily clad shall we say. As a result of seeing that, I began to masturbate to pictures I would see in magazines of these women (as ads for videos of women fighting erotically, in various forms), often times looking through magazines just to do that very thing. As time went on it from just wrestling women, to SI swimsuit issues as well as tabloids. Anything I could get my hands on so long as I could find women I could masturbate to, or at the very least sexy stories. It later extended to masturbating to thoughts alone at night while lying in bed. Most times the women fighting ads or catfight ads I saw in the magazines, were the fuel for this particular fire. Many times over, I’d ejaculate all over my pajamas as well as the sheets in doing this. Amazingly though, by the grace of God for sure, this isn’t an issue anymore for me, and hasn’t been for several years now.

At the time I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing, though obviously now I knew better. I was very reclusive while doing this as you can imagine, always taking the magazines into my room and closing the door behind me, being careful to not have anyone catch me in the act. In effect I was cutting myself off from the rest of the world. I was in a world no one else knew about but me.

Eventually I began to realize what I was doing, and tried to quit but never really could. I’d make vows that with X birthday I would turn over a new leaf, but could never make good on that.

Then along came the internet, my dad got it first, a little thing called Web TV. Web TV was something very inferior by today’s standards, but it gave internet access and with that, access to pornography. One night I was alone at my dad’s house and I started looking around at some wrestling diva sites, and masturbating to them, not thinking much of it at the time. It was just another way to appease my lust. Then later on that night, I was lying in bed and something got me thinking: “Gee I wonder what it would be like to see these girls without their clothes on”. The devil had planted a seed right then, that would change my life forever.

In the spring of 2001, my dad (who I did not live with BTW) gave me a Web TV of my own, it was my first internet access I had for myself. I put it in my room, and soon after began seeking the seed that the devil had planted in me, searching high and low for porn in it’s various forms. I was particularly thrilled by the prospect of two women fighting, or what is called a catfight, I would often masturbate to video descriptions of that very thing. Again I saw nothing wrong with this at the time, seemed harmless to me.

Then that fall things began to change. My dad asked me if I wanted to join the Catholic Church. I was baptised Lutheran, though I really didn’t go to church much, unless my dad took me to a Catholic Mass. Without even giving it a second thought, I agreed and began taking catachesim classes. It was the best thing I could have done. Through those classes, my eyes were opened to the sins I was committing. But even seeing that, I could not stop and the addiction to porn grew ever bigger, particularly once I got an actual computer in September 2003.

(to be continued)


#2

It wasn’t too long after that, that I finally needed to tell someone about my problem. I was in a speech class, and we were to pick a subject to talk about that had impacted our lives or something to that effect. Well one of the subjects that caught my eye was pornography. I saw it and felt a need to speak out about it. I asked my teacher about it, and she didn’t think it was a good idea, as she felt other people would pick on me. Looking back I regret not doing the speech, but I don’t regret telling the teacher. It was the first step towards getting help, she had me talk to my counselor about it, and for a while I would see him from time to time and he would do what he could to help me through this battle.

Then it happened, one day in the dead of winter, my counselor called home wondering how I was doing or something like that I don’t remember exactly. But my grandma and mom both wondered why he had called, I couldn’t tell them why, I wouldn’t. Finally I had no choice and I explained to them what was happening. They didn’t understand it, and couldn’t believe it. It was one of the worst feelings I’ve ever had in my life. I ran to a neighbor who had also been trying to help me with this problem, and I told him what had happened. He suggested maybe I call my dad and tell him too (if I recall my grandma had threatened to do that herself). I thought about it, but did not do so, and my grandma did not say a word to my dad, nor did my mom. For a while this fixed things, my grandma was always monitoring the PC, making sure the door was open and such. But with time, that seemed to have been forgotten, and I was right back where I started.

In the meantime, I was also getting interested in girls, in terms of dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. I liked several people, though things never really went very far. Often times, I liked the girl in a way that she didn’t like me back. Finally in November 2005, I met a girl named Laura at college. She was a friend of a friend, and we really hit it off. It wasn’t long before we were dating. At the same time, I still had the porn issue to resolve, which I did tell her about and she was quite understanding about it. Even as we were going out though, I could not shake the problem, no matter how hard I tried. As it turned out though, what I thought was love at first, really wasn’t. I realized that the crowd she was hanging with I didn’t like, and I thought it was effecting her in a negative way, though she didn’t seem to think so, much less care. Plus I felt I couldn’t be myself around them, so I decided to break things off after about 3 months time, and porn became my solace once more. I would try, but I would still fall time and again.

It was at this time, that I decided to tell someone in my family about this. I just couldn’t hide it anymore. Late one night while up north, I told my Uncle about what I had been dealing with, and ever since he has always been there to help me and talk to me when I need it. It felt like this huge weight had been lifted off to some degree, now that someone in my family knew. That was a big burden for a long time. Even with his help, the issue still persisted however. I continued to struggle to be free.


#3

In August 2005, life again took an odd turn for me. I was at a graduation party, and I was talking to this one dad about the priesthood (as that was something I was thinking about at the time), and he advised me to talk to his daughter Mary who was going to be a nun. So I did, and we hit it off almost immediately. We talked the whole rest of the night I was there, about all sorts of things. It was bizarre how it came about too, she wasn’t even supposed to be at this party, she was supposed to babysit, but it got cancelled. And I would have never met her had I not spoken to her dad.

As we were talking I began thinking: “You know, I could see myself dating her if she wasn’t going to be a nun”, and I said as such. Oddly enough she had been thinking the same thing, so for a time we went back and forth that summer trying to figure things out as to what it all meant. She decided the convent was where she was going to go, and that was that for a while, though we’d still keep in touch through email from time to time.

About 7 months later this past March, I got a surprise when she emailed me saying she had changed her mind and she wasn’t going into the convent this summer after all as she had originally planned. We began to talk more and more at this point, for a period of about 2 weeks, as we both tried to determine where this was going if it was to go anywhere. We would talk for hours at a time, by phone and through email, and we got pretty close rather quickly. Everything we wanted in a mate we each seemed to possess, we knew where we stood on the big issues (life, abortion, etc), we didn’t have to worry about one pressuring the other, we got along really well, etc. The only thing that stood in the way of this, was the pornography (which I had told her about before).

Oddly enough during this 2 week period, I was suddenly able to abstain from the stuff, whereas before I couldn’t go more then a day or two. Then one day, I fell again, told her about it, and it put everything into question. What might have been a potential relationship, suddenly became nothing more then a permanent friendship as she put it. I was crushed by this, mad at myself more then anything. I had what seemed like the perfect woman for me, and I had thrown it away for a fleeting moment of pleasure. I felt absolutely terrible, like I had just lost my wife. I had a really hard time forgiving myself for that, and I still to this day wonder what may have been. Maybe things will change again, if I can overcome this addiction someday, I don’t know, but for now it’s a friendship only.

I decided to tell my dad and other grandparents about this finally not too long ago as I just couldn’t hide it from them anymore, and they along with other people I know have been trying to help me through this problem, which as I have shown has had a major impact on my life. I almost forgot to mention this part, but it has impacted my schoolwork also. There have been times where I’d look at porn when I should have been doing homework, the allure was too tough to overcome. My grades have suffered somewhat, due to this, as porn became my life and everything else became secondary.


#4

I have a warped view of girls to some degree now also, where I only see them for their bodies at times and not much more. This is particularly a problem at college, as there are a lot of attractive girls there, and I tend to be looking at them in ways I know I shouldn’t be at times, or having impure thoughts about them, etc. Doesn’t help though that girls dress as they do today though, not leaving much to the imagination. If they only knew how that effects guys like myself and others.

Not only that but I’ve have had issues with anger more while at home, particularly when looking at porn. Like if I’m called out of the room to do this thing or that thing, I get upset, because I am having my porn time so to speak interrupted. I don’t like this side of myself.

I am working on fighting this, I signed up for the Setting Captives Free Way of Purity program recently, and am accountable on a fairly consistent basis at another forum. Also, I am not watching sports on TV anymore for the moment, lest I tempt myself into sin there. Same goes with Lions football games on radio (heard an ad that tempted me tonight). So I am battling this all I can (got a filter on the PC also), but it is tough. I’ve made it through the last two days without completely falling, but each day has had some stumbling along the way. So pray that God would continue to work on me, and give me the strength I need to break free of this once and for all.


#5

Hey mate thnks for your honesty:thumbsup:

its a shame about the girl but you did the right thing by being honest with her because any relationship based on lies would not be a healthy one. I have struggled with addiction ( not porn ) and after seeking help i am now in recovery for 8 years and i do not miss the hollow feeling that addiction gave me for a second. I would reccommend several things: try and find a twelve step fellowship like SLAA and just keep on being honest about your struggles. If you slip up once or twice ( and most people do ) just keep trying. Addiction is a disease so dont be hard on yourself. You can take great pride in the fact that you are seeking out help and most important of all look to God to fill that empty void we find inside us when we put down our unhealthy behaviour. Freedom from addiction is given to us on a daily basis and is a gift we need to nurture in order to keep it.

i wish you all the best:)


#6

First off, can I just say that you are an incredible writer? I can tell that you are very intelligent. I’m kind of a stickler for grammar, sentence structure, and punctuation. You are top notch, sir.

Anyway, back to the subject: As the last poster said, I have struggled with addiction - to meth, in my case (clean for 10 years now). Meth causes a person to have perverted sexual thoughts and a strong sex drive. I sinned a lot with this side effect of the drug.

I used a 12-step program to stop my addictive behaviors, but have since left due to conflicts with my religion and faith.

I would offer some practical advice:

Identify the triggers that lead you to porn. Once you have identified those, have a backup activity. For instance, if you find yourself having lustful thoughts after seeing something on TV, immediately get up and go on a bike ride (or something like that). Don’t explain why you are going, just go. Get yourself out of that situation, and out of your own head. Repeat this kind of program with your other triggers.

Find something that will occupy yourself that will change your thought pattern. In reading your post, I would recommend writing a book, in your case (did I mention you are a great writer?)

This is about all I have to offer in regards to practical advice, but I would like to add one more thing:

I would suggest that you read some books about Mary, Fatima, or some of the female Saints in the Old and New Testament.

I say this, because it is important for you to have a view of women based in Truth. It’s, obviously, not your fault that your view of women is off kilter. We all see popular media, the latest fashion trends, and just normal guy talk skewing the true image of women today.

Women are moms, sisters, and daughters. They bear children. They are beautiful in every way.

When you see a picture or image of a woman displayed in a way that is unbecoming, ask yourself how it makes those who love her feel. Girls that are in the porn industry, strip clubs, or who practice promiscuity are in such danger. Most are being used as meat and are discarded once used up. It is terrible. What’s worse, is that most of them have trouble changing their lives, because they live in guilt; at least those who get the opportunity to get out. These are troubled souls - we need to protect them, at the very least, by not participating.

When you see those things, GET ANGRY. See these things for what they really are, and be not a part of it. You are a man. It is your duty to protect and keep your sisters in Christ.

You are a good person. You are just losing your way from time to time. The best cure for this is truth. Surround yourself in it. Sacred Scripture, the Mass, spiritual reading, THIS SITE, but most of all, the Sacraments will lead you away.

I pray for you, brother. You are a courageous man, and I know you can rise above this.:thumbsup: God Bless you.


#7

I am praying for you.


#8

I hope that all goes well with your struggle with your addiction. I think that you are doing the right thing. Keep being honest with yourself and family. As far as girls go, also be honest especially if you are going to be in a relationship with. If she can accept you, she has to accept that part of your life. You are on the road for recovery, and there will be bumps in the road but you have to keep trying.

I will pray for you… :crossrc:

God Bless,

Gladys

:harp:


#9

I’ll be praying for you. :crossrc:


#10

ajk-

I’ll be praying for you too. I heard a friend discussing the issue of men and the viewing/seeing women not dressed modestly, and his comment was that you can’t ever get that out of your head. It’s like trying to unring a bell. So if you do notice your triggers, pray to Mary the Holy Mother of God. If you see something that you “know” is not appropriate, and I’m sure you know, turn away, close your eyes, say a prayer and think that at some point you will meet a nice, sweet, beautiful girl, and you want to be ready to go to her in the way that God intended for a pure relationship.

btw - You must be very vigilent now. So many times I have seen people, when moving closer to God, the devil comes after them even stronger. Working at their weaknesses. He knows your weakness…and he wants you with him, not with God in heaven.

St. Michael, I ask that you watch over this young man, and help him to fight off the unpure urges caused by the angel of darkness. Keep these images from his eyes. Call on the power of God to drive the evel one away from this young man, and help him to keep his soul safe from harm. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.


#11

I’ve prayed for you, and sympathize with you strongly because I’m kinda going through the same thing. Go to Confession whenever you fall into sin and during the week when you’re not in church pray the Rosary, as much as you can. Our Lady at Fatima and Lourdes really suggested that it should be prayed every day, I can see why, whenever I pray the Rosary I seem to have a shield around me preventing me from falling into any kind of sin. Trust me, whenever I’ve prayed the Rosary, I don’t sin. But if I get lazy, more than likely, there I’ll be again, in the Confession line…

Entrust yourself to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, it would be the way that will lead you to God.


#12

Just so you guys are aware, I’m not currently Catholic. In fact I only came here initially to ask the question about sports torrents. I felt compelled to post this though not too long after that. I was Catholic from 2002 up till recently, but left the church a few weeks ago. I don’t know what I’m going to do now, not going to church currently. Still debating where to go.

Incidentally, I’m into my 4th day since a complete fall. So I’m starting to get there day by day, as I try and renew my mind and get all that junk out of it.

I appreciate the thoughts and prayers greatly.


#13

Hi,
I have a suggestion or two. Go over to the website ( www.trueknights.org ) I think this may be a huge help to you. Its for men struggling with this very issue. They also have a discussion forum that you can join, and no one will know who you are. Keep praying and have faith, God will deliver you from this.


#14

I already do get some accountability at a different forum actually, post there on a daily basis just about. Thanks anyhow though.


#15

Have you left the Church completely? If so, why?


#16

The Lorica (Breastplate) of St. Patrick
–translation from Gaelic by Cecilea Frances Alexander, 1989

I bind unto myself today
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same
The Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this today to me forever
By power of faith, Christ’s incarnation;
His baptism in Jordan river,
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spic-ed tomb,
His riding up the heavenly way,
His coming at the day of doom
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
Of the great love of cherubim;
The sweet ‘Well done’ in judgment hour,
The service of the seraphim,
Confessors’ faith, Apostles’ word,
The Patriarchs’ prayers, the prophets’ scrolls,
All good deeds done unto the Lord
And purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
The virtues of the star lit heaven,
The glorious sun’s life giving ray,
The whiteness of the moon at even,
The flashing of the lightning free,
The whirling wind’s tempestuous shocks,
The stable earth, the deep salt sea
Around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, His might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need.
The wisdom of my God to teach,
His hand to guide, His shield to ward;
The word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

Against the demon snares of sin,
The vice that gives temptation force,
The natural lusts that war within,
The hostile men that mar my course;
Or few or many, far or nigh,
In every place and in all hours,
Against their fierce hostility
I bind to me these holy powers.

Against all Satan’s spells and wiles,
Against false words of heresy,
Against the knowledge that defiles,
Against the heart’s idolatry,
Against the wizard’s evil craft,
Against the death wound and the burning,
The choking wave, the poisoned shaft,
Protect me, Christ, till Thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the Name,
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.
By Whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
Salvation is of Christ the Lord.


#17

Pretty much, it started when I began reading things online about the Church being the whore of Babylon and this and that. It confused me a bit, and over time I started to believe these things, it seemed to make sense. Then I started to read things about a Black Pope, and the Pope’s title being the mark of the beast, and all these different things. It eventually got to the point where I just didn’t feel right in the Church after reading or hearing about some of these things.


#18

I have been there (hating or suspecting the pope). But I now understood most things about the beast, and what they say about the popes. Once Pope John Paul II came as close as 3 meters to bless me with other kids but I kept a distance. I will never forget that, and I regret very much that he died before I could get a close blessing from him.
Feel free to PM about those ideas about the Church and the papacy.

About porn, I would actually suggest reading some of the JPII writtings. I have listed them somewhere on this forum I don’t know if you7 saw them! Google 'Love and Responsability". You can also try to read Theology of the Body. It is wonderful in order to understand everything about our sexuality, the purpose of life, love, family, etc.

I will pray for you


#19

aj - Didn’t they ever tell you to only believe half of what you read? I’m thinking that we should believe even less with the pervasiveness and “anonimity” of the internet. These things you;ve been reading are the works of the devil and cannot be trusted my friend. Jesus stretched out His arms and died for us so that we may have life. Faith is believing even when common sense tells you different, and especially when our so called intelligence tells us not to. We need to think less and believe more my friend.

God’s peace be with you this day and always. Amen. :signofcross:


#20

I can attest to this. WOW! can I.

I used to have the same issues as ajk. I even went 6 months without falling. I was doing great. Then, one Sunday I went to Mass, and there was an infant baptism that day. NEVER have I ever been so filled with the experience and understand of LOVE, and God’s Love for us…2 hours later - WHAM! I felt horrible afterward.

I know what it’s like to go through what you’re going through. I went through it too. Luckily, I haven’t fallen like that in close to 8 years. I got married nearly 8 years ago, and I was trapped by this even up to and into the first month of my marriage. Finally, I thought “what am I doing?”. I’m certain that, to some degree, my problem was one of insecurity with myself, and the feeling that I could never be loved. Once, I realized that I WAS loved, it was over. Now, I’ll be honest, there are times that I find myself drifting to certain images online that I have to stop and say “what are you doing? cut it out”, and I usually do before I get myself in trouble. Sometimes, I look too long…but most of the time a thought to “google” something in particular will come to my head, and I know it’s wrong, and just don’t do it, as difficult as it may be.

I’ll pray for you, ajk, because I know how difficult it can be. The big thing to learn from all of this, is that you are LOVED. Once you know that, and you desire to not hurt LOVE, then you can move on.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.