So DH really ticked me off - again - surprise, surprise. I know I have a problem w/ anger management and in the heat of the moment I can do some pretty childish nonsense to get vengeance.
So, this a.m., instead of sitting down in prayer like I normally do - giving God the first ‘fruits’ of my day - when I discovered that DH didn’t do what he said he would, I went off.
I know Scripture talks about ‘your Father who sees what you do in private . . .’ So I refused to pray this morning. I did say blessings over my children like I do every morning and grace before meals as usual, but I didn’t read our Lenten passage for the day like I have been, or my DMC like I normally do on the way to work.
I just think to myself ‘why does God want to hear from me, the jerk I’ve been/I’m being?’ I just feel like a fraud praying to him before I’ve had a chance to repent. I know, logically speaking, that it’s precisely when we don’t ‘feel’ like praying that we ought to - that God can sanctify it as a sacrifice.
I know I need to go to confession, I planned on it before all this anyway, but I also find it difficult to be truly sorry for something I know I will likely do again. We did have a peaceful resolve to an issue yesterday that could have been a nasty argument, but we both kept our cool. Baby steps, right?
Do any of you out there struggle with this and could you offer some insight or words of encouragement? Prayers would be good too - just for God to grant the grace to desire to keep my temper in check.