Thank Zooey, Barbara, Mylo, and everyone else. I went to a psychiatrist yesterday because things were getting too intense in my mind. On Monday I spoke to the nun at church. I keep hearing the same thing. But all agree that if I prayed hard 6 years ago, and I still believe in that prayer, that it is my choice to believe, but I need to heal myself. I need to find who I am. I need to let out the poison and pain and anger I stored inside. I need to let go of it all.
The psychiatrist gave me some medicine to take in the morning and at night. I’ve started taking it but I don’t know if it is working. I don’t even feel sleepy. I hope the anti-depressants work. At least I started eating since yesterday. Thank you for the prayers. Please don’t forget me. I wake up with a feeling of anxiety and I go to sleep crying. Always praying to the Lord for forgiveness of my weakness. I told him 6 years ago that I couldn’t handle this. And I am trying everything to handle it well this time. Doing things I never would do. But when I come home, I just want to end it all. Time heals wounds but I cannot forgive myself for a lot of things. the psychiatrist will help me with that. Please pray that I get better. It’s sooooo hard to bear. I feel like I lost my husband, not to death, but to the devil. My heart is so sorrowful.
I feel so much shame and everything reminds me of him. And when the memories take me back to a nice place in my mind, I am reminded of his cheating and the awful tone of voice of the girl threatening me. And then of his mother judging me and telling me, “It was not meant to be.” How does she know? I think it is something she made happen. But who am I to say anything. I must follow the Lord and do as He wishes. My heart is torn to shreads now, and I am not feeling so thankful. But after a while I will thank Him. Even if I still feel my loss. He is so merciful. How can I not thank Him for all he has done for me? I love you Lord. Please protect me. Make my heart stop bleeding. I don’t care for happiness, just do not let me fall into despair because I cannot praise you. If I am too happy I might forget you. Please just let me be at a point where I can truly thank you for everything and where I can do your work honestly without faking a smile like I must do everyday.
Bless you all for praying for me. I pray that nobody knows this kind of pain. So try to be wise like King Solomon. It will prevent all of you from disasters. And pray the rosary, it will give you much strength an maybe help some wretched soul like mine one day. I shall continue to pray for all of you. Your kindness does not go unseen. I feel great comfort from you. As I said before…all of you give me strength. Thank you all.