While it isn’t physical pain I feel it is still a pain that can hurt.
I’m 37 and going through yet another difficult time with a woman. She’s a close friend of mine who has somehow gotten past all of the defenses I put up to protect myself from wanting to date or be in a relationship. I never intended nor wanted these feelings to come up again as it had been nearly 5 years since I last had a relationship. I’ve never really had much success in dating. I wanted to be clear and away from it all and just focus on life itself. The past year we have become rather close and chummy with each other and helped each other through some very difficult times. The last couple of months I have felt these feelings grow and have fought to keep them hidden from not only her but myself as well. Well, I slipped up and told her how I felt about her. She said she loves me as a friend but never looked at nor wanted me for anything other then friendship. The past month I have felt lower then low. I’ve felt as though I had maybe been given a blessing from God because this woman had gotten through some very tough defenses. Now I see it simply as yet another way to feel pain, misery and sadness.
I simply don’t want to feel anything along the lines of love for her or any woman. I understand that’s not normal but after nearly 2 decades of trying and failing I can’t go on anymore. Please pray that my troubled mind can be set at peace and that I no longer have these feelings or desires that lead me down a path I’ve already been down and failed in before