Prayers/Advice on Engagement


#1

The message below is a re-posted message from another forum. I was told that I might be better off posting my own thread on this because the one I responded to was so old that I might not get the response I would had I posted a separate thread...so here goes...

I am in the very same situation you are. My fiance lives with me, but for now he is staying with family. I feel I made the mistake of having him move in with me. The worst thing is that when he moved in, we didn't discuss him contributing to the household. Because of that, he over indulged and now has to file for bankruptcy because he owes a huge amount of money in credit cards. I feel part of it was because I was trying to help him after his divorce b/c he had to pay quite a bit of child support and alimony and I felt if I also demanded money from him that it would only add to his stress.

An additional complication is that he was in the military and experienced some trauma that led to PTSD. Add the complexities that PTSD brings to someone's psyche let alone to a relationship and I am in the middle of a monsoon of labile emotions.

We too share the same religious and political values. We used to get along fine, however, like you, we argue daily,misunderstand each other, and I too, find him needy and dependent. In some ways, I think I somehow enabled this to happen. I am like you in that I just don't enjoy spending time with him because we either argue or he tries to make me feel guilty.

I can honestly say that spiritual devotion has only INCREASED since we got together. I know that God is putting a block between our relationship for a reason. Perhaps its to give my fiance space to deal with his PTSD. Whatever the reason, I know that I have to listen to God, who is telling me to distance myself from him for clarity's sake.

Another interesting thing is that I have a friend in Christ who is somewhat involved with my fiance's brother. She too feels a "block" from the Lord with him. When we talk about our lives and she mentions something about my fiance's brother, I can see the same issues with my fiance. So we both feel that God is putting this block in both of these relationships. We have both been praying for each other and raising up our respective "loves" to God's will.

I can totally relate to you when you say that you clearly receive a message through prayer that the best thing is to put a little space between you, but after talking you feel better. As hard as it's been, I have stuck to the arrangement despite all of his attempts to guilt his way back into the house. It's not easy when he stands there and says he doesn't want to impose on his family and he really feels homeless now.

The thing that makes it hard for me is that he has been the only person who I feel truly loves me for who I am. I feel as though this PTSD thing has finally bubbled to the surface and it's creating all kinds of issues that are affecting his personality. However, how much am I supposed to endure to the detriment of my own psyche? He already had gone through suffering a severe injury that I stayed home from work for a month nursing. I have supported him financially, emotionally and even spiritually for almost 5 years which has only gotten worse each year, not better. I too feel that his love for me makes it hard to do something that I know will break his heart. He has started medication and counseling for the PTSD and I actually went to one of his visits. His therapist echoed almost everything I have told him about PTSD and how it affects relationships. Interestingly, she too feels there is some unhealed hurt in his family! She also thought that separation was a good idea.

I may be crazy, but I still committed to trying to make this work. I realize that I have made some mistakes along the way in this relationship, but just succumbed to the flesh and my own rationalizations instead of relying on God and His will for my life. Right now, that is what I am concentrating on most. Knowing that my fiance is getting the help he needs is a relief for me, but he is still so emotionally labile that I cannot be around him because he tries to drag me down into it.

I have gone the route of counseling myself and have gotten to a place where I can look at my own faults and expose them no matter how ugly. I have done that with him, however, he cannot do that with me. He struggles with being embarrassed and feels defeated no matter how much I've tried to help lift him up. I know he needs God, not me.

In prayer I am still getting the same word to remain separated. At this point, I feel as you do. I do love him as a friend and as a human being, but as for right now, it doesn't feel like that committed type love you should be feeling for a fiance. I do hope at some point that those feelings will come back. I will be heartbroken if they don't, but I also know that our relationship will not be right unless these things are dealt with and only if God blesses it.

I will pray for you and your situation...please pray for me.


#2

I believe you already know what you are supposed to do, in your faith, for your own mental health, for your future… when two individuals come together they inevitably bring their own issues to the relationship, but when one is so burdened it can make it impossible to move forward together.

Praying that you will have the strength and courage to follow what you already know to be the right course. Blessings


#3

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