First off I’m not Catholic, I’m not a Christian by any definition I suppose except that I was baptized when I was 12 in a Freewill Baptist church and gave up religion soon after.
I will say that by many diverse & really unwanted paths I have ended up studying the Catholic faith: reading books, radio & EWTN when it was available.
Off and on over the past 5 years I have attempted to pray the Rosary and other formalized prayers & attended Mass occasionally in order to try and make a faith inside of me or make me feel something I’m not sure I really believe, mainly that Jesus is God or that even there is anything more than what our senses perceive, i.e. I’ve lived a pretty much modern atheistic life of relativism and nihilism (if truth be told) more than anything, chasing money and pleasures of the world.
Over the past year I pretty much gave up on all this Christian stuff. All of it.
However over the past few weeks I’ve had an annoying desire to pray the Rosary when I’m walking and over Thanksgiving I had a discussion with my brother-in-law involving Minneapolis where I used to live and later that night as I slept I dreamt of Minneapolis and in the dream my goal was to get to a Catholic church and pray the Rosary. For a day or two afterward it haunted me.
A few days ago I stumbled across Savior.org and their perpetual online Eucharistic adoration site. Last night I sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament presented on my computer screen and prayed and experienced such a sense of peace that my rational mind wants to blame on chemicals in my brain…my wanting to feel something.
But I admit that I believe that it’s more than that. That what I experienced (and am reliving now as I type thinking about it) was more than chemical reactions in a brain that wanted a mystical experience. I’m at a loss really except that today I had a desire to just simply stop in the middle of my day and tell Jesus “Hi” and that I prayed the Jesus Prayer just because it came to me as I was driving down the road.
I will admit that my family, while Christian, does not think highly of Catholicism (well my father at least…my mother just wants me to believe in Jesus and I don’t think really cares what the denomination is…) so I can’t or don’t feel like I can talk about it with them.
So I’m here just to unload myself and ask for prayers…to ask whatever God wants for me will be made apparent to me if he wants anything at all.