Prayers please -- i just threw my husband out

#21

I will pray for you in this particularly difficult time.

Please do all of the following for both your sake and the sakes of your children - and even for your husband (whom you still owe your love - even if it must be tough love).

  1. Call a lawyer. Find out your rights. Consider a restraining order. Do this immediately, do not delay. Make sure your lawyer has 5+ years of experience in family law. You can call your local bar association to get names of attorneys who qualify.

  2. If you feel you or the children are in actual danger, don’t wait - call the police.

  3. Call your priest and schedule weekly visits for the next month. You will need spiritual counseling through all of this. I promise you. Don’t neglect this.

  4. If you can afford it, hire a reputable professional CATHOLIC counsellor. Consider this site: exceptionalmarriages.com/ Again, you and your children will need help. Call them even if you don’t think you can afford it - maybe they can help anyway.

  5. Above all, schedule time to pray before the Blessed Sacrament. Bring your children with you, particularly your teen children. Jesus will give you the grace to get through this.

When you pray before the Blessed Sacrament, I also recommend you pray earnestly for your husband, and your children should do likewise for their father. It’s possible that he is in greater danger than you if he is an unrepentant sinner.

  1. Frequent the sacraments - daily mass if you can make it, and weekly confession. You will need God’s graces.

My prayers and well wishes. God Bless.

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#22

praying for you and your family!!!

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#23

Rachel,

You know I've always been leary of how one could prove he was "looking at their butts" inappropriately. Parents are proud of their children and sometime a look of pride could be misconstrued. My fear is that most of the things you describe could be easily explained away in court... unless he has tried to physically touch them you probably have little legal stand to keep him out of their lives and thus consider that in what you do because if you truly believe he was looking to molest his own daughters you want to make sure you can keep him away.

My advice would be to make sure you have all your ducks in a row, talk to your daughters about this, find out if they feel (I believe you said in another post they did at one point) uncomfortable with their father is around etc... you might get some of this documented with them from a teen / adol Psychologist.

Seriously consider getting the locks changed and an alarm system as well.

You are in my prayers!

Joe

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#24

Rachel,
I am praying for you and your family. God Bless

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#25

My first question is, are you sure he honestly didn’t know anyone would be down there? Meaning… are you sure this isn’t one of many times he has snuck into your house and gone down to the basement and concealed himself there and watched your daughters or later come up into the rest of the house to watch people when they were asleep or didn’t know? Is there anywhere in that basement shower area where he could conceal himself and/or put a peephole to watch in the bathroom. Go over that bathroom carefully and make sure there are not any connecting holes to another space where someone can conceal themselves and watch.

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#26

I agree wtih everyone else - except one thing. You should probably let the psychologist find out how the girls feel - otherwise a good lawyer could always say that you lead them.

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#27

i know he has been sneaking in here while we are sleeping, to get something or use something left here, but the girls usually shower upstairs and it was only the broken upstairs water control (which he knew about!!!) that allowed him the opportunity to sneak in this time and attempt to go into the basement bath to see them where he used to shower. he is so into himself that he is trying to say that he truly had no thought of the possibility of anyone being down there, no thought that the lights being on meant anything other than that they were left on by accident, no thought that anyone would be down there using the toilet or shower other than possibly me, which he knows I certainly would be unhappy with him just walking in on me on the toilet. he is trying to look so lily white while being so murky grey-black. but he thinks from his own perspective only and could actually not understand why he shouldn't sneak, or peek, or announce himself, or think about possibilities rather than probabilities. Probably no one will wake up at the exact time you want to use the bathroom in the middle of the night -- does that mean that, if there are 4 members of the opposite gender living in the house with you that should not see you naked, then you should go ahead and walk down the hall to and from the bathroom naked, based on probabilities, or wear a robe, based on possibilities. His view is to just strut naked.

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#28

I could see where maybe walking around small children in certain states of undress might be questionable but to strut naked is just completely wrong!!!!!!! This man needs help.

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#29

He's snuck in before while everyone was sleeping and you didn't change the locks? ?

How do you know he hasn't touched any of the girls in their sleep?

Again... is there anyplace down there where he could have concealed himself and watched people?

How long has the shower been broken?

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#30

Praying for you Rachel.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.

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#31

just a week.
i'm a light sleeper and wake -- he stays downstairs to do stuff, or has gone to the attic and back, but the doors to the girls' room are very loud and there is no way they can be opened quietly or that I would sleep through that -- i wake every time they get up
he always has a 'good reason' to be here, just weird times

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#32

[quote="RachelKH, post:31, topic:175225"]
just a week.
i'm a light sleeper and wake -- he stays downstairs to do stuff, or has gone to the attic and back, but the doors to the girls' room are very loud and there is no way they can be opened quietly or that I would sleep through that -- i wake every time they get up
he always has a 'good reason' to be here, just weird times

[/quote]

You've got to take care of those "good reasons" once and for all. Get all of his stuff out of there. If he won't take it because he hasn't found a place to live, yet, put it in a storage locker, and then give him the key to it, so that he doesn't have to come to your place to get the key.

And definitely change the locks to the house.

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#33

i changed the locks and he cannot come in unannounced any more. i set up the rule that he can come by on sunday afternoons to drop off laundry and pick up clean laundry, mail, food, whatever, if he gives me a list first so i can put it all on the porch in the closet for him. he wants to still come play with the little girls (our 4 and 7 yo dds) but i am unsure – is this just so he can build up trust in them to later use to his advantage when they get curvy and he starts to view them as sex objects like our older dds? i don’t want to alienate them but just keep them safe. he is very lax about coming over when he says he will be here – like saying he will be here at 2pm and not showing up until 3pm, saying he will be here for half an hour, but staying for 2 hours, etc, even though he knows he is causing the teen dds to hideout in their rooms or go out for a walk in the cold or rain to avoid him. he just doesn’t seem to understand when he is being unfair or causing hardship for others. he seems to have no interest in building trust in him back up in me or our teen dds. i just don’t understand his view of things, that we are the bad, mean, uncaring people and he is the one doing no wrong.

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#34

DO NOT let him aroundANY of your children unsupervised! It's just not safe.

He sounds like a narcissist. Honestly, it also seems as tho he has abused yoru older two daughters-- if not phsyically, then by making them uncomfortable in their own homes because of his leering.

If you allow him around yoru younger two daughters unsupervised, you will have no recourse later when you go to court, to keep them from overnight visits with him. AND YOU DO NOT WANT OVERNIGHT VISITS WITH HIM!

In fact, you should definately get a restraining order NOW, or at the Very least consult an attorney, so that when your divorce goes through, he NOT able to PREY on your daughters!

Good for you for changing the locks. Make the rules firm, or he'll walk all over you.

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#35

[quote="RachelKH, post:33, topic:175225"]
i changed the locks and he cannot come in unannounced any more. i set up the rule that he can come by on sunday afternoons to drop off laundry and pick up clean laundry, mail, food, whatever, if he gives me a list first so i can put it all on the porch in the closet for him.

[/quote]

:confused:

You're still doing his laundry and buying his groceries? He's supposed to be gone - he should not have any reason to come over to your house.

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#36

[quote="jmcrae, post:20, topic:175225"]
Call a locksmith and have him change the locks. And make sure all of his stuff is out of the house, so that there is no reason for him to "have to" come back.

[/quote]

Careful with that. Not sure how your courts work in such cases, but arguing proving one's way out of liability if something were to get damaged or stolen could be hard. Speaking of legal stuff, speed matters, as does documenting things.

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#37

[quote="chevalier, post:36, topic:175225"]
Careful with that. Not sure how your courts work in such cases, but proving one's way out of liability if something were to get damaged or stolen could be hard.

[/quote]

If the total amount of the goods is worth less than $3,000.00, it can be put in storage indefinitely with no fear of liability. Anything worth $3,000.00 or more has to be handed over personally. Nothing should remain in the residence that belongs to the former tenant after his move-out date - everything should be either in a neutral storage area, or in the actual possession of the former tenant, after that date.

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#38

we are still married, started counseling, not yet seeking divorce, praying for a miracle, supervising every moment of contact with children, we are both happier with changing locks than me buying a gun. i do his laundry and prepare some meals for him to eat at work and he pays the bills. i know many will think i am crazy, but i really do pray for his turning from sin and narcissistic behavior and for us both to become loving good parents and spouses. color me naive, but i’m not blind any more. still hoping for big big big changes and unwilling to just write off everything.

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#39

I agree with your view.

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#40

Have a friend who is technical search the house, both physically and electronically, for web camera or wireless devices.

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