Prayers...possibly unfaithful wife


#1

Hello all —

I am writing today hoping for prayers and advice. I wrote on the forums a few months ago, and things have gotten worse since then. Even if no one posts back, my mind and heart and so overwhelmed, I need to just vent (though responses are always welcome :slight_smile: ).

So here is the (short version of) story. My wife and I are within the first few years of marriage. We are deeply in love with one another and our marriage bonds are strong. When we met, she was a convert and a strongly devout woman. I myself was a “re-vert,” having come back to the Church after a decade away. We connected personally and spiritually and have had a strong bond ever since.

The problem that has come up is thus. She has had an attraction to women for a long time (about 13 years) and thinks that she is bisexual. She told me about this before we got married, but assured me it would never be an issue. And to be honest, I believed her and judged her based on her merits. Throughout our friendship and then engagement period, this problem never reared its head. Indeed, within our first year or so of marriage, it was fine. But then the temptations came on her part. She would view pornography and things like this, but never sought out someone.

Recently, she told me that she has posted in different websites as a bisexual looking for a woman. To be sure, she says she is married and doesn’t want to leave me in these posts. Nonetheless, this sort of thing is a moral no-no and while secular men jump at these things, it frightens me. Moreover, I myself struggled with temptation over the years.

What makes matters worse is that she is out of town for the week and I discovered (admittedly through snooping) that she posted on a website saying she wants to “get together” sometime during this week. It frightens me that she might actually go through with this.

Any advice or help? Even if not, prayers are welcome. I do not believe in divorce, but this whole thing is destroying my psyche and is weighing heavily on my dissertation (I am a Ph.D. student). I love her deeply, and would forgive her, but I would not be able to just forget. I am just so confused.

Prayers!!

~ Loving Husband


#2

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been almost exactly where you are only 6 months ago. The only thing is that I didn’t know that she was doing this. I found out after her behavior had changed pretty drastically.

This may sound like odd advice, but I say confront her about it. This may make things worse but turn a light on the darkness. You will face fury from her because you looked at her e-mail but you may also save her from an act she was about to commit. It will be tough, really tough. But prayer will get you through it. And I and others will be here to help.

The bottom line is that sin grows in dark, damp environments. Shine light on it early before it grows out of control. If you do nothing, it will eat at you because you will feel powerless, very angry and hurt. Not exposing my wife was one of my biggest regrets. I should’ve just been honest and said based on your behavior I don’t trust you… I looked on your e-mail and this is what I found.

You have a long road ahead of you. Counseling can help you two put things back together.

Best of luck. PM me if you want more details or have other questions.


#3

I am also a bisexual woman. Temptation has been very hard throughout my life.
Confront her and lay down the law: you will not tolerate unfaithful behavior. Let her know that very clearly. It may help. However, don’t reject her as a person, just acting-out behavior.
My husband has been an enormous help to me and I am sure you will be to your wife.


#4

I don’t understand how you can say you are “deeply in love” and then deliberately do something you know will hurt the other person??:confused:

Kathy


#5

I’d talk to a priest and a lawyer before doing anything.


#6

Dang, she posted on a website she was going to be out of town, and available for a hook up? Is she outta town on business, is that just what she told ya? The first thing I do is get to the bottom of whats goin on, and lay it all out you know about the post on the website.

If possible check her credit card statements for anything suspicious on the dates in question. LIke a meal for “one” at Applebee’s the goes for 50 dollars, or anything else that tips she wasn’t alone.

Given her background for being kinda sneaky, I’d put her in the “trust but verify” mode till things got better.

I can only imagine how tough it might be to be with a lady you don’t fully trust, but there it is.

If you do find out she did something, I don’t know enough to give advice, because I asked myself what I would do, and I keep getting I dunno.

I’ll remember you in my prayers tonight. Keep us posted bro.


#7

I just read a recent study on sexual response in hetrosexual women. What they found was that physical bodies, sight, didn’t “arouse” women (this was a double-bind study) but rather sensuality and that could be male/male, male/female, female/female or alone.

If this was the results for the “average” hetrosexual woman then a person who suffers from SSA has even more to contend with. (Note before anyone jumps to derail this thread the study is NOT saying that Hetrosexual women are aroused by SSA. What it was saying was that the emotional was more important that the sight or physical, at least initially. I believe most of us with a clue already knew this though right :))

Don’t give up hope on her, keep praying and deal with this issue face to face… alone together and/or with a counselor or Priest.

Cheating is cheating, no matter what. Clinton found that out the hard way :slight_smile:

If you guys haven’t talked about this then she probably dosen’t know how to talk to you about it or is scared that you will leave her. She probably loves you but needs something more, talk about that.

What is it that attracts her to other women? it’s probably not their boides (you can’t change that anyway) but something. Figure out how you guys can fill that gap together in a faithful, frutfull marital embrace.

Pray pray pray and talk talk talk… honestly between each other and to God.

You guys are in my prayers!
Joe


#8

Hi everyone,

I thank you all so much for your words of advice, comfort, and prayerful reminders. This whole situation is so difficult, such a mess. I feel like I brought this on my self. Honestly, though us Catholics do not put credence in secular notions of “luck,” I certainly have an “unlucky” record — of the four females I have dated/courted in my life, two became lesbian, one became a nun, and now my wife. Geesh!

In terms of confrontation, I have confronted my wife about the issue. Unfortunately, there are only two modes in this department. If I allow her to go through all of this nonsense, then she will keep me in the loop. If I don’t allow her to, she will do it anyway, except this time behind my back. This is just so hard! What is worse is that our diocese is very liberal and, well, many priests here have no problem with that kind of behavior. It is so frustrating!!!

Domine Iesus, miserere mei! Sancta Mater Dei, ora pro nobis!

  • Loving Husband

#9

Wow, so she basically just said that she will cheat no matter what. That is extremely selfish behavior and VERY grave for a marriage. I don’t want to hurt your feelings more but it doesn’t look good. I would pray for her, let her know via text message that you are praying for her to make the right decision and honor the covenant of your marriage. Let her know you are here to help her. You will be there through her struggle but cheating is not the answer.

In the end though, you can’t live in a holy marriage like this. Seek counsel–spiritual first, cross the legal bridge if it comes to that.


#10

your wife’s given you binary options and both end with: ADULTERY.

two points of action ASAP:

spiritual: storm the gates of heaven for her conversion. Mass as often as possible, decades and decades of rosary etc. all the time every day.

financial: cancel cards, secure accounts. if she’s not so inclined to clean you out, a sinister lover can spot her from a mile away and manipulate her.

you’re not unlucky, but there IS a pattern here. better get to the bottom of why you attract disordered women. try counseling.


#11

I allow her to go through all of this nonsense, then she will keep me in the loop

Well dang, ain’t that nice of her.:mad:

Unfortunately, there are only two modes in this department. I

No, there is 3, which is you making the announcement you’re outta there! And don’t want any part of this dog and pony show, and will take your chances with the tribunal.

This is just so hard! What is worse is that our diocese is very liberal and, well, many priests here have no problem with that kind of behavior.

What kind of diocese are you in bro, where the priests tending the flock are telling the sheep its ok to have homosexual partners while in a marriage no less? :confused: I’m thinkin those boys left the reservation a loooooong time ago. It doesn’t sound like anybody in the whole diocese has a backbone.


#12

I’d put a keylogger on her computer, a GPS in her car and a digital voice recorder in her car. I would also check her cell phone or bill very carefully.

Some may call this snooping, I’d call it loving. Your wife is about to (or may already have) step into a dark and ugly life of sin. As her husband it is your duty to do everything in your power to help her.

Good luck and God bless.


#13

I am so sorry to hear what is happening. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You deserve a faithful wife. I can’t add to any of the advice other than I agree with confronting her (in a loving manor) and explaining how hurtful her actions are. Be honest and Bold, through love. You are in my prayers.

May the Blessed Mother pray for us all.


#14

Your spouse is committing adultery and it looks like she isn’t going to stop. I would seek a legal separation. You do not want someone who cares so little for your desires and your marriage vows having the ability to ruin your finances as well. I would also think you may have strong grounds for an annulment if this seems to have been your wife’s plan all along. Also, find a good priest and meet with him. You’re gonna need some good Catholic support.


#15

'Just wanted to say that I am so sorry and I will pray. You aren’t powerless here. I think your mistake has been to act like you are.


#16

The folks at Courage may be able to provide advice www.couragerc.net


#17

Deo Gratias!

Thank you all for your words, prayers, and advice. Matters have taken a most blessed turn for the better. My wife called off plans she had, called me first thing today, and said she wants to go to counseling. It turns out (not surprisingly) that this matter is connected to sexual abuse that she herself was on the receiving end of years ago. She finally broke down, told me, told her mother, and is willing to go to counseling. Though anything can happen around the corner, this is truly a blessed development.

Rejoice in the Lord!


#18

I’m happy to hear that.


#19

I’m happy she has decided to seek help. I’m terribly saddened to hear of the sexual abuse. I’m also the husband of a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I know the road you both face and I can tell you from experience that you BOTH can come out of this stronger than you went in!

Fell free to PM me.


#20

Prayer for strength and endurance through the process of recovery for your dear wife. Remember to be patient and understanding. When I started to work through mine my wife was delicate, patient and understanding. I can’t tell you how much that support meant to me. But remember things like this take time. Its amazing how God uses time as a tool to heal our hurts.

May the Blessed Mother pray for us all.


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