I’ve been there. I’ve been there recently. There are just times when the good in life doesn’t feel like it’s worth the bad. These are also the times when we feel most abandoned by God, and that’s the pain that’s worst of all.
On the issue of death, I know this isn’t the sunny-rainbow-smiles outlook that everyone expects depressed people should hear, but I just began to wonder what dying would actually accomplish. When you get so low that you can’t imagine heaven and you’re already bored with hell, death doesn’t really seem to have much to offer you. Then, if you have people in your life who would suffer because of your death, that’s something to consider, too. I’m pretty sure my siblings would eventually get over losing me, but it would destroy my parents. I also imagine my pets knowing that I’m not there to provide them with love anymore, but not really understanding why. Right now, I have to go on living in order to make this world a little more bearable for those I’d leave behind. I don’t know what I’ll do when they’re gone, but for right now I’m obliged to live.
As for crying in church, I don’t know how active you are in the Mass, but I’ve found that reciting the prayers and singing the songs can help to break the negative ruminations that bring me to tears. Praying before the Mass is hard, and occasionally a Bible passage (like the lilies of the field, or the exhortation to “ask and you shall receive”) will also cause me pain because it just feels like God is talking to everyone in the church but me. Still, there are lots of parts of the Mass that can help to get me out of my head.
I also find the psalms to be helpful. There really is a psalm for every occasion, and if you read through enough of them, you’ll find one that really speaks to how you’re feeling. Whereas most of the Bible is about God’s message to us, the Psalms are essentially letters from humanity to God, and the ones which put grievances before God offer a good general road map for working through emotions and pain and bringing it back to love.