I am new so please be gentle with me.
I am also not catholic so please be doubly gentle with me!
I am a member of the Church of England and I have been dating a catholic guy for just over two years.
To make matters more interesting he’s based in Canada am vased in the UK. However, we do manage to see each other every 6 weeks and I am now looking to move to Canada.
The title of my post could be misleading as my concerns cover more than pre-marriage intimacy, but I am looking for some guidance.
We are both in our mid twenties and whilst my boyfriend is a virgin I am not, having had a long term relationship where I enjoyed sex. This is the only sexual relationship I have had.
My boyfriend and I have moved so slowly, taking our time to know each other thoroughly before we moved our relationship to a sexually intimate one. He talked to his priest and took guidance and I was quite surprised by his response (he did not condone but understood). After much discussions we explored each other without penetration.
For me sexual intimacy is part of a relationship. It’s bound around trust and faith and honesty. Our intimacy has not been lust driven, but love driven by a desire to share ourselves and show each other how serious we are.
We are not promiscuous. We are good people. We are in love.
Marriage has not come easy. It is something we are having to fight for because of the Ocean that separates us. I have absolute faith that we will be married and together, but I need something from him and that need I have scares me.
He takes his vow not to engage in sex before marriage very seriously. I have somehow come to equate him breaking that vow as a demonstration of his commitment to me – this is NOT something he would do if he did not have faith in our relationship and his feelings for me.
He is the only practicing catholic in his peer group and his siblings both engage in pre-marital sex.
On my last visit to Canada I talked to his mom about this – not an easy thing to do! His mom and I are close and I attend church with them each time I visit. This prompted his mom to talk to him and she encouraged him not to feel guilt about his feelings, that he is a good person and will make the right decision.
We are due to be together next week. I will be flying to CA so we can celebrate our Christmas as we didn’t get to spend time together over the festive period, and he has told me he is ready to have sex with me.
I don’t know how I feel about this. I flit between being overjoyed to feeling guilt. I know deep down he believes he will go to hell for this but it feels like in order for us to move our relationship forward and to the point where I can give up my life in England to be with him we need this moment.
If two people are sure and committed to each other enough to have waited and considered, to overcome lust and distance, if God is allowing us this relationship and it feels right and wonderful and close and true. If our having sex is born out of love and trust and faith and commitment is it wrong?
I struggle to believe that God would see our relationship as wrong or as a sin. I really do, and to confess it as such would be a lie.