Pregnancy and in-laws


#1

I have a bit of a situation about which I would welcome advice (and prayers!).

I am five weeks pregnant with my second child. (Praise God!) Hubby and I are trusting the Lord with the timing and size our family, so we're overjoyed at this next little blessing. But things are a little complicated.

Hubby and I are currently living with his parents. We moved in around the time I got pregnant with Bean because I'd lost my teaching position and Hubby was unable to work for a time due to severe depression and anxiety. Hubby started a job while I was pregnant, and I was working part-time from home as a freelance writer. We've enjoyed living with his parents (for the most part) because of how close Bean is with his grandparents. Of course we've had some difficulties, but overall it's been a blessing.

I now have an excellent full-time writing job from home, and Hubby is excelling at his job and will likely be able to continue up the ladder. Prior to finding out about my pregnancy, we decided we would be moving into our own apartment in October of this year rather than December, which was our original plan. Not only that, but the added blessing of another baby won't change too much because I get paid per project. I can work ahead prior to taking maternity leave, and adjust my hours for the new baby when I go back to work.

Everything looks great, and I'm so excited about what's to come.

Hubby wants very much to share the joy of my pregnancy with his family. Not only because he's excited, but because should something happen, he knows their support would be very helpful. But I'm very nervous about telling them because I fear that they'll be more worried about our financial situation rather than being excited about the baby and being able to move out. I know their worries come because they love us, but sometimes the way they word things makes Hubby feel as if he can't or won't be able to succeed at something. It's heartbreaking for me.

They also told Hubby they didn't want us getting pregnant again while we were living here, and to make sure we were using protection. (We do not use contraception, but that's a whole separate discussion, I think.)

Also, Hubby doesn't want to keep it from them because he's afraid they'll think we were trying to hide it. He doesn't want them to be hurt or upset that we didn't tell them right away. He's always been very open with his parents, after all. However, I did tell him that many couples don't share the news--even with family--until a little later.

There is a bit part of me that wants to tell them, too. Even if they're concerned, they know how well my job is going, and that we're much, much better off financially than we were. (And well on our way to being out of debt except for my student loans! Hooray!) And they've always said that they will always support and love us, and they just want what's best for us. So maybe knowing how well things are going, they would be able to be excited for us more than worried.

If we tell them right away, we're going to try and tell them in a fun way to emphasize the excitement and joy of the situation rather than presenting it in a way that makes it seem we're worried. Because we're not. We know the Lord will take care of us.

The final piece of the puzzle, of course, is actually hiding it if we decide not to tell them until we move. I had terrible morning sickness with Bean that started around week 5 or 6, and that would be virtually impossible to hide from them since they both work from home, as well.

So what do you think? Should we tell now? Wait until we move out?


#2

I don’t think you have to hide it but I don’t think it’d be wrong if you didn’t divluge it either. I’d give it a bit so if it gets awkward you wouldn’t have long to bear. Also, since your in-laws advised you “not to get pregnant” I would say that it is not a good time to say. They shouldn’t be lords over your family.

If you do get morning-sick then tell them. But I would also NOT tell anyone else…even your parents…until you tell the in-laws. THAT would create drama.


#3

It’s great your in-laws have been so supportive of you and your family, but truly, how many children you have and when is none of their business. They can’t tell you what to do–you and your husband are adults just like them. Parents often think of their married children as still kids, but you and your husband have to show them you aren’t. If you decide to tell before you move (and that decision is entirely up to you, not them) then be firm, but kind. Don’t let them get started on the negativity or “browbeat” your husband. They probably don’t mean to do that, but since he has a problem with depression they probably believe he shouldn’t be pressured with more responsibility, not thinking that their negative comments only make things worse. If it were me and my hubby, I’d wait until I’d moved, if possible. You have to set boundaries with them. They are not your child’s parents, nor are you two babies. Do what you feel is best for you and your family. The sooner they realize you don’t need them to tell what to do the better.


#4

Thanks for the advice, purplesunshine.

I agree with you that they shouldn’t be the lords over our family, but Hubby does feel we should involve them more in our lives since they’ve helped us out so much in the past few years. It’s a bit of an issue between us, to be honest, but one we’re working out. It’s a lot better than it was before Bean was born.


#5

Thank you, Della. This helps a lot. This has been an issue between Hubby and me. He wants everyone to be happy, so he tries to make decisions to keep his parents happy since we’re living with them. Even though they have often said we’re our own family and have to do what we want, they sort of play into it, as well. I think they fell into the parent-child relationship when we moved in. It’s time for it to stop.

Thankfully, Hubby is better about standing up for our family and sticking by what’s best for him and us. Maybe this is an opportunity for us to do that again.


#6

I have horrible in-laws that never really liked to hear about pregnancy (whether or not we were under their roof or even in the same state).

So, maybe I’m not a good person to weigh in on this but…

I wouldn’t tell them. Save yourself the heartache. Only tell when you have to do so. Pregnancy is no time for added stress or drama :slight_smile:

Oh, and have a happy healthy nine months and, above all, CONGRATS!:thumbsup:


#7

[quote="wannabcathmom, post:6, topic:210075"]
Save yourself the heartache. Only tell when you have to do so. Pregnancy is no time for added stress or drama :)

Oh, and have a happy healthy nine months and, above all, CONGRATS!:thumbsup:

[/quote]

Thanks so much! I know it's the hormones, but your comment got me a little teary.

My in-laws love being grandparents, and they know we want a big family, but they would just be worried.


#8

I also lean towards not telling them just yet. IMHO it’s not ‘hiding’ really, because it’s not something they have a right to know right now.

You’re moving out in October, which is only what, 6-7 weeks away? That leaves you still in your first trimester when you move out. When you’re all moved out would be a good time to tell them. I personally have never made a pregnancy before my first trimester has been complete, so to me that almost seems like perfect timing, but then again that’s based on my own preference/experience.

OTOH, I can see how not telling them could be stressful if you feel you have to hide your MS and if it causes strain between you and DH.

I personally would go with whichever one causes you less stress and worry, because morally speaking you’re golden either way,


#9

[quote="shannyk, post:8, topic:210075"]
I personally would go with whichever one causes you less stress and worry, because morally speaking you're golden either way,

[/quote]

Thanks! I think this is how I feel, so now Hubby and I just have to weigh whether it would be more stressful to tell or more stressful to try and hide it.


#10

Hmmm tough choice… I understand since we’re close with our parents as well.
However, you possibly should view it from a medical standpoint (maybe to help save any emotional feelings you may be having about it)… for example, just prior to having my most recent baby I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks (not suggesting this will happen to you at all!), but we had told my MIL very early-on. She had already shared the news (excitedly!) with her girlfriends… and we had to go back and tell her it was not going to be. :frowning: It was hard on her to be excited and then let down as well…
Anyway… it may just be enough reasoning to hold off on the information from another perspective… at least you can use that excuse with them if asked? :blush:

ALL the best to you and congratualtions on your pregnancy! :slight_smile:


#11

Congratulations! If you decide not to tell them, it’s perfectly acceptable and moral. LOTS of people don’t even believe in sharing pregnancy news until the 12 week point. I probable wouldn’t tell them until I had moved out so they couldn’t give me any attitude. Of course, my in-laws are not happy about any pregnancy; my perspective is a little warped.


#12

Thanks, Emily and lovemyboys.

Hubby and I are going to talk about it tonight–we’re going out to dinner with his parents–and make a decision once and for all. I did tell Hubby that, ultimately, it’s up to him since they’re his parents, but of course, he’s taking my feelings into consideration since I’m home with them all day every day.


#13

You and your hubby have to decide when to tell your in-laws. It’s exciting news and they should be happy for you! Let them look forward to their new grandchild and share your happy news.
As a side note I have a little story to tell. My daughter called me one day and was crying. She told me that she had had a miscarriage. I didn’t even know she was pregnant so this was a complete shock. She and her husband have a beautiful little girl and really wanted this second child. Well, the doctor in the E.R. told her that she had lost the baby. When she went to her doctor he wasn’t so sure that she had lost the baby. Well, it seems that the E.R. doctor was wrong. A month ago my daughter gave birth to a beautiful little boy. My point is that it was so horrible to hear that she had lost a child we didn’t even know was expected. Now, of course, we have that darling baby to hold and love.
Try to find a good time to tell your in-laws so they can share in your happiness and plan in the birth of your second beautiful, precious child.
Good luck to all of you.:slight_smile:


#14

I would always err on the side of disclosure with truth being an absolute defense. It did occur to me though that if you decide to remain quiet about this is there any chance they find out through your pic in your signature through a common acquaintance viewing it online and passing it on? Just wondering. Good luck.


#15

Thank you very much for sharing that story, and for your advice. I know it’s partly the pregnancy hormones, but I’m pretty weepy right now. :o

Thank you again.


#16

Thank you for your advice. I’ve been very careful about when/where I’ve shared it online, so I can’t imagine how it would get back to them.


#17

Many people don’t share the news until after the 1st trimester anyway, and it sounds like telling them now would just cause unecessary drama. If I were you I would wait to tell them.


#18

Thanks for the advice, Charlotte.


#19

I would tell them. You are blessed to have a wonderful relationship with them and should keep it that way. You are certainly not obliged to nor do they have a "right" to know, but not telling them could dampen your joy and put you in a position of making up excuses (i.e. lying) for not having a glass of wine on occasion (if that is something you normally do).

You are wise letting your husband make the final decision since they are his parents.


#20

Thanks for the advice, lutherlic.

In the way of an update, Hubby did decide to tell them. I’m glad we did, too. They’re very excited for us. Of course they’re concerned because we’re just getting back on our feet, but they’re ecstatic. (I think the grandparents were more worried than his parents, but his grandparents are negative people.)

Now that we’ve told them, I feel much better, and Hubby said he feels like he can be excited about the pregnancy instead of nervous about telling his parents. He made the right decision.

But I do want to thank everyone who gave me advice on this issue. I was leaning toward not telling them through most of the thread, but again: left it up to Hubby to decide.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.