Pregnant again, and afraid to tell my family


#1

I have 4 children- the oldest is 8 the youngest just turned 1. I just took a home test and it was positive, I am pregnant again (despite exclusive breastfeeding, and not ever having a menstrual cycle, and almost never having relations with my spouse for fear of getting pregnant again).

My mom was already trying to make me stop- she even joked, repeatedly, with the doctor at my last delivery that she should just go ahead and tie my tubes and I wouldn’t even notice. :mad: She is constantly making me feel bad about having children, every time I get pregnant she is upset and sad. Yes I am sad too for the things I will miss out on- I already miss out on so much because of the babies, but I have to combat her negativity all the time. My in-laws aren’t as bad, but its there. They do not ever spend time with the kids, and instead spend all their free time with their daughter’s only child.

I know my husband will be happy, and worried and stressed (nothing new there) my sister- the only other Catholic in the family- will be over joyed and excited she just loves babies, but she had her tubes tied before she converted. I have not yet been confirmed, but I know what I know, and I can’t un-know it.

IDK what I am looking for here, I guess I just need someone to be happy for us, and maybe some advice on how to handle the onslaught of **** I am heading into.


#2

Congratulations!

Tell your mom that she can be happy for you and supportive. If she can't be then she needs to keep her comments to herself.

You are a mom...so obviously an adult, your mom is not supposed to treat you like a child.

Congratulations again!


#3

Terri,
I am so happy for you! A new life is so very, very, thrilling!

What sort of world do we live in where anyone would think of a baby as anything other than a miracle, especially when it is going to grace a lovely family such as yours?

If you feel that way yourself, that's what I would tell my family. And if they say anything else, well, that's just sad. Big families are awesome. I wish I had one.


#4

Terri,
CONGRATULATIONS on this wonderful blessing even if it feels like a mixed one! I know somewhat how you feel - I waited almost five months to tell family about my unexpected, fourth baby (I was waiting until I could say the words without crying :)) That child is a joy to me like I never expected and I know God has huge plans for him.

So who says you have to tell your mother right away? The size of your family is your business (and God’s and it sounds like this is something He wanted). Surround yourself with people who recognize the joys of bigger families and think that money isn’t everything. My Catholic friends who have recently become empty nesters tell me they wish they would have had more than two kids!

God has all of this under control. Ask Our Lady daily for the strength and support you need -tape the Memorare to your bathroom mirror if you don’t know it, and say it daily.

It is tough, but it is beautiful and important and what God made us for. God chose YOU to be the mother of this child beloved by Him. Keep your chin up! You will get lots of support from the forum, even if you don’t from your family. I will keep you in my prayers.:thumbsup:

Peace,
Kathy


#5

[quote="terri_fortner, post:1, topic:201465"]
I have 4 children- the oldest is 8 the youngest just turned 1. I just took a home test and it was positive, I am pregnant again (despite exclusive breastfeeding, and not ever having a menstrual cycle, and almost never having relations with my spouse for fear of getting pregnant again).

My mom was already trying to make me stop- she even joked, repeatedly, with the doctor at my last delivery that she should just go ahead and tie my tubes and I wouldn't even notice. :mad: She is constantly making me feel bad about having children, every time I get pregnant she is upset and sad. Yes I am sad too for the things I will miss out on- I already miss out on so much because of the babies, but I have to combat her negativity all the time. My in-laws aren't as bad, but its there. They do not ever spend time with the kids, and instead spend all their free time with their daughter's only child.

I know my husband will be happy, and worried and stressed (nothing new there) my sister- the only other Catholic in the family- will be over joyed and excited she just loves babies, but she had her tubes tied before she converted. I have not yet been confirmed, but I know what I know, and I can't un-know it.

IDK what I am looking for here, I guess I just need someone to be happy for us, and maybe some advice on how to handle the onslaught of **** I am heading into.

[/quote]

Congratulations! You know the truth, that having babies and raising a family is a great blessing. Some of your family members do not understand this truth so clearly, unfortunately, but you should never feel bad about living the truth. I recently received my CatholicCompany.com catalog and saw the most beautiful picture inside of Jesus leaning close to a new baby with such joy on his face, and the baby was so happy and reaching up for Jesus. That is a beautiful representation that expresses how much God loves every single new baby, far more than even the baby's own parents are capable of. Your instinct, and your husband's, is to be happy. Go with that and let your light shine for your family to wonder about. Tell your misguided family members to please keep their hurtful comments to themselves, as it is not their business to decide the size of your family anyway. And besides, with so many couples struggling with infertility and so many families struggling with discord, it is wonderful to be able to celebrate fertility and raise our children to love Jesus and each other.


#6

Congratulations! How exciting and such a blessing.

:smiley:

My mother-in-law was sad/disappointed when we announced our fourth. I have a feeling if God blesses us with a 5th, we just won’t tell her at all and let her figure it out as she sees my stomach grow, LOL.


#7

Congratulations, terri!! That's great news!
As PPs already said, you don't have to tell your mom right away - the baby's not going to be here for another 8 mos., so there's no need to tell before you have to. This will give you a few months to enjoy your pregnancy before getting comments that might be negative.
It's great that you have your sister to support you!! We really do not have anyone. When we got pregnant with our third, everyone reacted the same way your mother does. But what can you do? That's the way people are these days, and having a lot of kids is not considered to be a good or wise thing.
So just try to surround yourselves with people who support you. The most important thing you already have - a good husband who will be happy to become a father again, and that's all that matters!! Besides, you know what they say - no parents of large families ever way they wished they had less kids, but so often parents of only one or two kids, who deliberately avoided pregnancy, say they wish the had more!!
One more time, CONGRATULATIONS, and all the best!!


#8

I know how it feels, there are some family members I don't tell right away, either.
Here's a good article, maybe your mother could read it.
wnd.com/index.php?pageId=35062
Interesting how it points out that if you have five cars, you're treated like a great person; five kids, and you're treated like a leper.


#9

You are NOT alone. I am in a very, very similar position and it does feel very lonely. It also feels weird because if you act too happy, your mom will try to give you an unwanted "dose of reality." If you act too serious or sad, your mom will say "See? I told you this is too much to handle." At those times it is a lose-lose situation around my mother. I just try to remember that I'm not married to her. My husband and I are a team, everyone else's opinions are just extra noise sometimes.

But you will have an awesome family. Think of the trips to the beach (or hiking or wherever) when they are older and can handle themselves. You and your husband will sit back, arm in arm, and be pleased watching your happy, healthy children. Have faith that there will be a day when you get to take a deep breath, relax, and say, "Good job, dear. This was the best life we could have created for each other."

Congrats


#10

To terri, the original poster :clapping::dancing::extrahappy::bounce: CONGRATULATIONS!!! (sorry for yelling but I’m excited for you.) :smiley:

Oh! I want to MIL bash soooo much on this particular subject. I’m trying very hard to bite my tongue. Ouch. :stuck_out_tongue: It’s hard enough when it’s a MIL reacting poorly to news of a grandchild, but I can hardly begin to imagine how painful it must be for the original poster when it’s her own mother making those types of comments.

While you (the op) say she makes you feel bad about having more children, I suspect that secretly your openess to life makes her feel bad about her own reproductive choices. Deep inside she must know you’re doing the right thing. Each child that you bring into the world is her grandchild, and when she sees that child she looks face-to-face at a child that she didn’t want. I imagine that’s a bit painful for her. She bought into the whole notion of “family planning” through contraception and/or sterilization, and now she wants to “plan” her grandchildren too. Remember, the word control is in birth control. She’s trying to control something that is not hers to control. I suspect she’s probably done that for years, (perhaps before you ever came into existance,) and your pregnancies might prick her conscience.

(((hugs)))) and congratulations!


#11

Terri - congratulations to you and your husband! What a great gift you have been given. I'm sorry that your mother and others in your family aren't supportive. Know that we all love you here and that God, who gave you this blessing, loves you as well.


#12

Terri,

I wanted to add a little story that might be helpful for you. Recently, my in-laws were visiting from out of state. My father-in-law, who loves kids and family, was teasing me that after this baby (#3) we have to stop because he is running out of room on his silver dog-tag styled imprinted pendant with the names of his kids, kids-in-law, and grandkids. I said 'uh-uh, no can do! You'll just have to buy a second pendant now!'. And he laughed and said, 'oh, right! Since you're Catholics now you'll probably end up having 9 or 10 kids!' Our whole family laughed while I said 'I certainly hope not that many!' (seeing as I am already in my mid-30s). It was a light-hearted way for us to address the no-contraception topic that definitely sets us apart from the rest of our non-Catholic family. And since my SIL and her new husband are planning on only one child with no intention to allow for any more, it has actually been a welcome change for the in-laws to realize that we still intend to provide them with more grandbabies to fill their golden years. They've earned their wealth of grandkids, and I am glad to be a part of providing them with plenty of them!
So anyway, would gently mocking yourself as a Catholic to your mother help her to be more light-hearted about it and get in on the fun of surprise babies? Some people can be too serious for their own good and need help to see the bright side of situations that challenge us (but which also ultimately fulfill us, too).


#13

First of all, sincere congratulations! You are so fortunate to be able to have babies.
I wouldn’t allow my mother to make such comments and get away with it. Confrontations are no fun, but sometimes necessary. This is one such time. She has no right to make judgements on how large your family is. That is offensive.
If she only knew how people like us long for more grandchildren…Our oldest son and his wife are unable to carry a pregnancy to term. Our daughter-in-law has had multiple miscarriages, breaking all our hearts. We are all blessed that they were able to have even one son, our only grandson.
Our daughter has one child so far but hasn’t conceived again although she and her husband are open to life. We are blessed with a little granddaughter with her family.
We would love to have a couple of dozen grandchildren! I don’t know what your mom’s problem is.


#14

[quote="terri_fortner, post:1, topic:201465"]
I have 4 children- the oldest is 8 the youngest just turned 1. I just took a home test and it was positive, I am pregnant again (despite exclusive breastfeeding, and not ever having a menstrual cycle, and almost never having relations with my spouse for fear of getting pregnant again).

My mom was already trying to make me stop- she even joked, repeatedly, with the doctor at my last delivery that she should just go ahead and tie my tubes and I wouldn't even notice. :mad: She is constantly making me feel bad about having children, every time I get pregnant she is upset and sad. Yes I am sad too for the things I will miss out on- I already miss out on so much because of the babies, but I have to combat her negativity all the time. My in-laws aren't as bad, but its there. They do not ever spend time with the kids, and instead spend all their free time with their daughter's only child.

I know my husband will be happy, and worried and stressed (nothing new there) my sister- the only other Catholic in the family- will be over joyed and excited she just loves babies, but she had her tubes tied before she converted. I have not yet been confirmed, but I know what I know, and I can't un-know it.

IDK what I am looking for here, I guess I just need someone to be happy for us, and maybe some advice on how to handle the onslaught of **** I am heading into.

[/quote]

Terri,

Congratulations! A new life is always something to be celebrated. Don't let your family get to you. If they have a negative comment, tell them to keep it to themselves, because you are celebrating the new life and they are bringing you down. Life is a beautiful. Being co-creators with God is an incredible thing. I will pray for you, the new life growing inside of you and your husband. I will also pray for that the hearts of your family members will be softened and they will see the joy that new life brings to your family.

Being a man, I can understand the worry and stress that your husband will probably express. I think its completely natural. Guys, especially those who want to protect and provide for their family, worry about how they are going to provide. Even if you already have everything you want and need. I know that is true for me. Let you husband have some room to be worried for a bit and he will probably work through it and it will make him stronger.

I know there is a thought about there that if you a breastfeeding you cannot get pregnant, but as you know, that is not true. I would recommend Natural Family Planning (NFP). My wife and I do the Creighton model. You can call your local Catholic Church and they will be able to provide you with someone who teaches classes. The Church does not say that you and your husband have to abstain from relations with your husband. NFP is a completely natural way of working with you body the way God created it to avoid a pregnancy. The Church teaches that if you have a good reason to avoid a pregnancy that you can use NFP to avoid one. There are also a lot of health benefits from using NFP. You should also read Theology of the Body, by Christoper West.

creightonmodel.com/


#15

Well I think we will wait to tell the grandparents, but I told my sister when she called, and she promised not to tell mom and spoil it for me. I haven’t talked to my husband yet, I left him a voice-mail to call me when he gets a chance. My mom will figure it out soon enough and that will be a conversation I do not want to have with her for a 5th time. Maybe this time she will be happy and excited, unlike the last 4 times when she was just disappointed. My MIL will make snide remarks, but like I said before they aren’t really involved with these grand kids just the one their daughter had. They only had 2 children themselves, and they were well spaced (5 years). My husband was hoping I would go back to work some time in the near future- oops. I guess I need to find more ways to keep the budget under control. He earns enough money to support us, and we don’t have to get a new car just yet- it has one open seat left in the 3rd row of the explorer.

Oh so much to do so little time. I actually have thought I was pregnant for about 2 months now, but I was waiting to take a test until after some custody issues with my older children (who are from my previous marriage) just in case my ex’s lawyer asked about plans and future babies :wink:

Thanks everyone for the well wishes. Also gentle chiding on my faith is iffy- she is already looking down her nose at it, but he newest husband is a fallen Catholic who has no intentions of returning to the church and he thinks he knows everything about being Catholic- which he doesn’t- and he is just as bad has her.


#16

[quote="terri_fortner, post:15, topic:201465"]
... I haven't talked to my husband yet, I left him a voice-mail to call me when he gets a chance. ....

[/quote]

I missed in your original post that you hadn't told your husband yet. Are you planning on telling him over the phone? When he calls back, can you ask him to meet you for lunch or something to announce this news in a way that could be a bit more special for him? Or can you make a special dinner for tonight and tell him then.

Personally I strongly favor telling my husband such news in person. My husband's heard the news from me often enough that the last time he knew I was pregnant before I even took the test. He figured out I was pregnant before I did.


#17

Congratulations! God has blessed you with another child! Just offer your mom your love, support and try to remind her that you are living as your contience (and God) instructs! Getting married June 18th my self (just a little over a week from now), can't wait to start popping out the little ones.. Well for my wife to be to do so anyway ;)


#18

Well, my wife often remarked about how womens' mothers are oftern the ones most critical of having a large family, although she never had that problem with her mother.

Simple solution, don't tell them. Let them find out on their own or through whatever means. Tell only those who will share your joy. When your mother finds out and wants to know why you didn't tell her, be truthful and tell her because you knew she wouldn't approve or be happy for you. And that is not something you wanted to deal with.


#19

OP: I think you're crazy for being upset; I think you're tremendously, tremendously fortunate. God's blessed you greatly.

I think you yourself, inside, know those other folk's opinions are junk.:)


#20

I'm happy for you Terri!!!! Congratulations!! If you want children, you should have them. God Bless you!!!!!

But I don't understand the issue with your mom. Whether she's a practicing Catholic or not is irrelevent. She doesn't need to concern herself with your pregnancies :rolleyes:

If you family gives you grief, then don't tell them :P They'll find out soon enough. Cherish the time and your pregnacies with those who understand you. And when they find out and start whining and carrying on, you can use that as your defense for not botherinng them by telling them sooner :)


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